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Friday, October 14, 2011

Whale Does Stand-up Comedy. Trashes Evolution.

Blake Blubber smashes evolution.
At comedy clubs, you see all kinds of acts. There are men and women who stand straight and still at the microphone and just tell jokes or stories. There are acts with guitars, and there are acts with props. But this is the first time we've ever seen a case where a Whale Does Stand-up Comedy and then trashes evolution.

Without further adieu, let's take you to a well-known comedy club in a city not far from you.

Seated just left of the stage and waiting for our umbrella drinks we hear...

[Over the PA system: OK, ladies and gentlemen. Coming to the stage is one of the biggest acts in the business. He's performed all over the seven seas and is a whaling survivor, let's give a big Funny Bone welcome to Blake Blubber....]

Cheers.... applause

Hey folks, great to be here. I just swam in from Chilé and boy are my flutes tired.


You're looking at me like I just got off the boat... Whoah... that was my great-great-grandfather's trick... Moby Dick.

Giggles, smirks

You wanna know why I hate airline food?


You gotta wait for a plane to crash before you can eat.


Hey folks, these are the jokes. ...

In my introduction, they mentioned that I am a whaling survivor. Yes... I had a big problem with having something long and hard shoved into my ass. I'd probably think differently if I had spent time in prison.

I bet Shamu did time. Yeah, I bet he did.

Nervous laughter

If I gotta start explaining these jokes, it's gonna be a long night.


Now that I've got your attention, I have to get something off my chest. ... A stingray... HA!

I fell on the poor bastard last night.

Big laugh and a smattering of applause.

Let's dive into what I came to rant about. What's the difference between a liberal and an evolutionist?

NOTHING. Neither one is right.

Laughs, a few boos

I was at the natural history museum the other day, looking at a plaster replica of my uncle.


Here, to help you get a better picture of my uncle I'll do a quick impression of him... Ooooooooweeeeeooo Eeeeeeeowwwwweeee.

Giggles, chuckles

I'm telling you it sounds just like him. That is a whale of an impression of my uncle.


Ha, ha Get it... whale of an impression.... Man, you folks are dense.

Anyway... it says at the natural history museum that a couple million years ago my ancestors evolved into land creatures and became bears. Oh really? What a pile of baleen that is. You ever seen a bear with a blowhole? Where the hell did it go?


Land creatures? You got to be kidding me. Do the bears shit in the woods?

NO... they do it at LAMBEAU FIELD.

Big laughs and applause

It's great to be here in Green Bay. Go Packers.

Howls, cheers.

Why the hell would we want to leave the sea and live on land? We didn't have a choice? Our DNA forced us to head to the land? Oh, yes, Mr. Darwin, we'll do whatever BS you can cook up.


Oh, wait, it gets better. After another million years or so, we whale-bears decided that the land was not where we belonged and we evolved to go back to the sea. And I thought I was the one with the blowhole.


And how did we get our blowholes back? A hyena kicked our asses all the way up to the middle of our backs?

Lots of laughs. People doubling over.

And where did our fur go? Super Cuts?


And let's talk about ears? LOOK AT ME! DO YOU SEE ANY FURY EARS? Well, I don't have any ears or a freakin' nose either. Damn. DNA is just like Pixar. Put a dick on a duck, if you wish.

Laughs, smattering of applause

No ears, no nose - then, suddenly - over a couple million years, we needed them... add a little fur and we're right there shittin' on Lambeau Field.

Roaring laughter

God, I love Green Bay.

Applause, cheers

So, according to the highly evolved free thinkers, us whale-bears had to lose our noses and ears, ditch the fur, claws and sharp teeth, get our asses moved to the middle of our backs and learn how to breath through 'em, give up salmon and start sucking down tons of krill, grow some baleen over our mouths, grow flutes out of asses, lose our arms and legs and put on more weight than Oprah in her seventh season... damn... this DNA sounds more like DN - AA.

I've seen crab fisherman walk a straighter line after a taping of Deadliest Catch.

Laughter and applause

So, now we are the whale-bear-whales. Is evolution that fucked up? Can't make up its mind? Land? Sea? Land? Sea? Land? Sea? Thank God the evolutionists didn't turn us into birds at some point like they did the reptiles.

Yeah, right. Here comes some dumbass lizard climbing a tree, "Look at me, look at me, I can fly...." SPLAT... NOW I understand survival of the fittest. But why the hell did lizards want to fly in the first place? Airline miles?


Evolutionists determined that we lived on land because we have a couple bones near the back of our body. They call these VES-TI-GEE-AL limbs. Big ass word for a dumbass conclusion. What are these evolutionists doing, smoking weed and playing connect the dots?


And then they mock people who believe in a God by saying, "What's God spelled backwards? Huh, huh,,,, dog... you get it?" Yeah, turn around and let me put a flute in your ass and then we'll wait a couple million years and I can bite your head off and stuff it in a tree where I keep my honey-flavored krill.


You don't have to believe in a God, but don't think someone is a moron because they do. "You can't prove it. You're an idiot." Well Darwin, why don't you take another bong hit and play that connect that dots game again. You're making the Warren Report look brilliant.

Confused laughs

You're all looking at me like a Frisbee just whizzed over the top of your heads.

See, there was this bullet that acted a lot like DNA. It had a mind of its own. It defied physics and science... oh.. never mind.

Chuckles... [Old people applaud]

All I know is, nature is so complex and ordered, it can't all be from sheer chance. Science has NEVER produced one single positive mutation in a lab. NOT ONE. Yet we're supposed to believe that everything around us came from a trillion quadrillion mutations that all fell into place just perfectly. And they laugh when I talk about a God. ... Oh that's right. It's a dog... ha, ha, ha...

You know what you get when you make God go backwards? Nothing.


Well, my time is just about up. If there is anything you learned today, it would beeeeeee....

Do the bears shit in the woods?


Where do they shit?


God, you people are smart. Go Packers!!! Thank you, Good Night !!!!!!



And there you have it, the first case of a whale doing stand-up comedy, and he trashes evolution.


Blake Blubber is a creation of Roger Blazic the 

Keyboard Comic

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