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Sunday, October 30, 2011

Ten Reasons I Could Never Be A Waiter

I don't think I can do this.
As I gradually build my Internet-based business, I've entertained working at a lot of different places to create more immediate cash flow. Jobs on my feet are out, since I have neuropathy, which is a burning, tingling sensation in my feet. But, if we threw that condition aside, the doors are open to just about anything. Since I spend a lot of time in restaurants and coffee shops, I thought about going into the service industry. And then I slapped myself about forty times and came to grips with reality. Here are ten reasons I could never be a waiter.

#1 - I have ADD - I can't focus. The first time I came across a table where the kid was yelling, "Do you have root beer? Do you have root beer?" and the father is asking, "How much cheese be on this here cheeseburger?" and the mother is aksing to have a double order of onion rings and triple ranch dressing on her salad, because she's "watching her weight",  I think I'd go in the back, deep fry my shoe and bring them that to them with ketchup.

#2 - People - I love people. I like to chat with them, make them laugh, write stories to them, serve them at my home (when I had a home) or just watch them. But I don't like listening to their crap. Once a whiny tone came out of a customer, I'd drop a string of F-bombs on their burgers and fries and stick my name tag up someone's ass. (How do you log into Monster.com?)

#3 - No Patience - I like to keep moving along. All I'd need is some old guy to be looking at every page of the menu, over and over while I'm standing there, and I think I'd snatch the menu from him and say, "You got high blood pressure?" If he says, "No" - "Then you're getting eggs, sausage, chicken fried steak and gravy, with fries. I'll be back to refill your coffee."

#4 - People - I would refuse to serve the morbidly obese, "Sorry, you're just too damn fat to be ordering ANYTHING. You need to do 20 laps around the restaurant before you even get to look at the menu. And then I won't bring ya shit. And if you don't like it... see #2."

#5 - No Tolerance For Stupidity - It drives me nuts when people have no clue as to where they are and what could possibly be on the menu. Let's say I worked at Denny's and someone asked for an Asian Chicken Salad or a Shrimp Stir-fry. And I tell them, "Sorry, sir, we don't have those items." And when he says, "Why not?" He gets a pair of chopsticks in the heart and we call 9-1-1. It's Denny's. What the hell do you think they serve?

#6 - People - These people have small kids. Small kids that make HUGE messes. I know I never would have let my daughter do what I've seen some kids do in restaurants and then just LEAVE. I know you're out in public, and people are supposed to clean up after you, but bringing your garbage spewing kid and your own knuckle heads to where I work is not going to be well received. Beware if there are chopsticks in the vicinity.

There would be heads busted before I got fired.

#7 - I'm Clumsy - I'm not really clumsy, but it's part of having ADD. I bang into stuff and have no idea that I've cut myself or bruised myself. Sometimes, I whack into a door frame so hard, I actually fall back - never realizing that I was off target. Knowing that... imagine me carrying a tray full of soup bowls and spaghetti. This is a call to Stanley Steamer waiting to happen. There might be several dry-cleaning bills involved, too.

#8 - People - These people are rude and want everything in a hurry. "Your nasty ass and snippy attitude don't create an emergency on my end, so go .... yourself." Chopsticks, please.

#9 - I'm Addicted To Food - I have to admit it, I have an addiction - food. Unfortunately, there are no FA groups for me to find a cure. Every since I can remember, I could not live without food. That's a huge reason why I learned to cook so well. I love food and I love good food. But I also like crap. I know I'd be stealing fries and onion rings off of all the orders, "Yes, sir, you only get one onion ring with that order. You have to order the family size, which is not on the menu. It's the same price. I'll get one for you. It has seven, no, six onion rings in the order."

#10 - People - After being around the service industry for years, when I worked as a comic, there is nothing I hate more than people who stiff the waiter or waitress on the tip. The first time someone stiffed me on a tip, I'd follow them out to the parking lot, "Hey fat ass... did you see that food walk itself to your table? NO! I BROUGHT IT. And I put up with all your bad jokes, your fat ass girlfriend with the annoying, ear-busting laugh and your dumbass buddy who kept spilling his drink." That's when I ditch the chopsticks and whip out two steak knives. "You see these? Well, they're headed for your tires unless you cough up a damn good tip. I'm talking 20% or MORE, you cheap bastards." I'd get MY money.

So, do you think I'd have a shot at employee of the month?

I told you and I even gave you ten reasons I could never be a waiter. Check, please. And how do you login to Monster.com?

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