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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

How Speed Limits Work. Some People Don't Get It.

These speed limits are only suggestions.
Through the course of my life, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time behind the wheel of some type of vehicle. I've had small cars, tiny cars, mid-sized sedans, big land yachts, sports cars, SUV's and a pickup truck. I've had front wheel drive, rear wheel drive, and 4-wheel drive. With all the vehicles, I've amassed enough windshield time to circumnavigate the globe about 24 times. The circumference of the earth is 24,859.82 miles. Over the miles I have seen my share of stupid driving. But one thing that really annoys me is how fast or slow people drive. That is why I have to explain How Speed Limits Work. Some people don't get it.

First off, the posted speed limit is a friendly suggestion. It gives you an idea of what might be acceptable. However, that is not the speed you drive. You drive with the general flow of traffic. There is nothing worse than a pack of cars cruising along at 65 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and we all have to slam on our brakes because there is a self-righteous moron doing 53.

Or, road conditions are poor, the weather is hammering us as we drive and we're forced to crawl at 35 in a 55 mph zone. Then, here comes Mr. NASCAR. He's driving about 65 mph on the berm, splashing enough crap in the air to blind everyone in four lanes. Usually, about five miles down the road you see Mr. NASCAR in the ditch. Serves the bastard right.

Most people stick pretty close to the speed limit because they are afraid they'll get a ticket. It is a known fact that most troopers will allow up to five miles over the limit before they start flashing their lights and chasing you down. The only time that rule does not apply is in small towns. If it says 25, you drive 24 or less. Small town cops are notorious for being real pricks about their precious speed limits and love to nail out-of-town drivers for the smallest infraction.

School zones. Don't mess around. Do the posted limit or less. Kids do the most idiot things around schools and you don't want one as a hood ornament.

On the Interstate, anything goes. When I was a road comic, I was driving 50,000 miles a year. I had to get to far away places in the least amount of time. I had a radar detector and a CB radio. I always used the truckers as my guide. If they were flying, I flew with them. When they get a ticket, it's a huge fine. So, they aren't going to go wild unless they are sure the coast is clear.

I once crossed Illinois nestled in a pack of about 35 tractor trailers that were all doing 85.

Merging onto a highway is another place to find the accelerator-impaired. "It's the LONG SKINNY ONE ON THE RIGHT ASSHOLE !!!" Don't put your turn signal on and try merging into 60 mph traffic going 40. And look in your damn mirror. If someone is coming in the right lane and they look like they are slowing down, you punch it. Don't try to drive like the Green Police are sitting in your back seat and you're worried about your miles per gallon. Drive like you don't want an AMT scraping you off the pavement.

Another thing I hate are the people who brake for air. There is nothing in front of them, but they feel like they have to hit the brakes. Maybe it is because they're going 56 in a 55 zone and they just don't want to get caught. Well, dumbass, we all just slammed on our brakes because we thought you saw a dog or a bear or a ladder or a big piece of tire from a truck (truckers call them alligators). Once I see some dummy brake for air more than once, I know I have to hit the gas and get around them.

Then, there are the fools who are coming up real fast on your left and as soon as they get next to you, they slow down and drive the same speed you are driving. What is their deal? I hate having someone right next to me. There is no place to go if you have to swerve. Either pass me or drop back.

Any given day of the week, you can find a whole pack of idiots. Simultaneous stupidity. They're all driving right at the speed limit and seem quite content to do so. It only takes about four or five of these nimrods to clog up a completely empty highway. This is where you have to make a move and it involves slamming your gas pedal to the floor and getting around the herd of people who have no place to go.

I don't mind driving, but I like to get places. I tend to drive fast. That is why I loved Las Vegas. No matter how fast you were going, someone was always passing you. And unless you are smoking crack, waving an AK-47 out the window and have a hooker strapped to your hood, the cops don't stop you.

So, if you don't want to get run over, read this again, and then you'll know how speed limits work. Because some people don't get it.

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  1. High speed is dangerous for life. Everyone must be careful while driving.

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  2. You're retarded, and by the way... You ARE the Mr. Nascar you mentioned. Gratz.

  3. This is quite stupid. Yes, the speed limits are suggestions, and studies have shown that most people don't follow them/they don't reduce accidents. However, cops are a biggest pricks on earth and there is ALWAYS the risk that you will get pulled over.

    Drive however you like? You WILL get pulled over some day and and get 5 points on your license. It's a stupid idea. ALL THREE of my closest friends have gotten speeding tickets for driving on the highway slightly too fast.


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