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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Damn Canadian Gas Station That Came To Ohio

Damn Canadian gas station in Ohio.
With our global economy and multiculturalism run amok, we are constantly being exposed to different countries and different cultures. Even some from not so far away. One of these multicultural experiences has been driving me nuts. I'm talking about the damn Canadian gas station that came to Ohio.

I'm not quite sure why they decided to come to Ohio, but Speed ay set up shop here a while back and we're all a little confused. It's one thing to come into a market that is different than your own, but you'd think they'd try to adapt a bit. Not Speed ay. It's run by a bunch of hard line Canucks and they've got maple syrup running through their veins. I don't know how long this can last.

My friend and I went in there the other day. Both guys behind the counter had on flannel shirts and wool caps. It was 75 degrees outside.

The store was really different inside. I'd never seen an entire aisle of beef jerky before. In fact, there was every kind of jerky you could imagine. Elk jerky, moose jerky, turkey jerky, Puffin jerky. It was scary.

Usually at a gas station/convenience store, there is a large supply of snacks, a few convenience food items, lots of beverages, magazines, candy, cigarettes and styrofoam coolers. At Speed ay, they had a whole section of camo clothing and camping gear. And this was the first time I'd ever seen a crossbow at a gas station. Not just any crossbow. It had a GPS, MP3 player and was compatible with an iPhone or iPad - had it's own app called, Oh Deer.

Instead of a cough and cold section, they had a seven foot high shelving unit with generic prescriptions on it. Anything you wanted was there. At the end of the shelving unit was a doctor, I guess, "Hey boys. You need a pill or two, ay?"

Thinking I was joking, "You got some speed, ay?"

"Not funny moose breath. I should kick yer A, ay."

"Please don't beat up my alcoholics, ay."

"You talkin' bout AA, ay?"

"Why, you got a Trip Tik, ay?"

"You two beavers are gnawing on the wrong log, ay."

"Ay and double ay."

"You're gonna pull that triple-A trick on me again, ay?"

"Nope. Can't do the same joke twice, ay. Do you guys have any chocolate cupcakes?"

"No, but we got hockey pucks, two for one. Poor man's jerky, ay."

"You just chew on hockey pucks?"

"You betcha. Keeps our teeth strong, ay. Beats whale blubber."

"Why all the hockey gear at a gas station?"

"What are you, some kind of communist, ay? Hockey is our life. We play year round."

"Ay, isn't that hard to do in the summer?"

"Damn sparks from the skates are annoying, but we still manage to get some fights in, ay."

That's when the guys in flannel behind the counter started to crack open a couple of fresh beers. Both of them were staring at us and then piped up in unison, "You dudes want gas, ay?"

For a second, we had to decide if we really did want gas. It seemed odd that they would ask that question at a gas station. "Gas, sure, Okay, ay."

"No pills today, ay?"

"Sorry, no pills, ay."

"Well we hate to tell yooo this but ya can't be a buyin' gas here today, ay."

"No way, ay."

"Waaaaaaay, ay.

"No. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay, ay."

"Oh yeah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, ay."


"Yooo ain't wearin' no flannel. We can't sell it to ya. Company policy, ay."

"But you were going sell us pills, ay?"

"Yooo Americans buy those all the time from us. We don't care. But if you want gas, gotta have flannel, ay."

"Forget the gas."

"Ya want a frozen cod?"


"On special this week. Every six pack of Molson you buy, you get a frozen cod, ay"

"Can I swap the cod for some of your jerky?"

"Where the hell do you think you are, Alaska, ay? We don't do that kinda crap here, ay. I think it's time you smart asses left, ay."

"We're outta here... FREAKS!!!! ... MAPLE SUCKERS..."

"YER MOTHER WAS A MOOSE, AY... GET OUTTA SPEED AY AND DON'T COME BACK, unless you need pills, ay, ay, ay."

I don't think I'll be back to the damn Canadian gas station that came to Ohio, unless I need pills, ay.

Related article:
Friday, July 1, 2011 is Happy Canada Day - But WTF is it? Aye?

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  1.'s Eh...not ay....get it right if you're gonna mock us!!!

  2. Sorry, Natalie. I had to run with what the world gave me. The SPEED AY was what was there. So, I took literary license and made it all ay. OK, eh? or is it aye?


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