GHETTO Toilet Paper - an ALL MY DONUTS film

Don't get caught without alternatives when the paper runs out.

Basic needs can become an issue in the Ghetto. What most people take for granted, those of us in the hood have to really think about and plan ahead. But we're not real good at planning ahead, that's why we live in the Ghetto. Here's one of those things that we have to deal with: GHETTO Toilet Paper - an ALL MY DONUTS film.

Ten Reasons I Could Never Be A Waiter

I don't think I can do this.

As I gradually build my Internet-based business, I've entertained working at a lot of different places to create more immediate cash flow. Jobs on my feet are out, since I have neuropathy, which is a burning, tingling sensation in my feet. But, if we threw that condition aside, the doors are open to just about anything. Since I spend a lot of time in restaurants and coffee shops, I thought about going into the service industry. And then I slapped myself about forty times and came to grips with reality. Here are ten reasons I could never be a waiter.

Today, It's Your Turn To Talk, I'm Too Tired

It's not a big question, but it's important to you.

Oh, it's been hectic on this side of the keyboard. I got into a new project, which could actually produce some substantial income, if it pans out. I'm doing Internet marketing for a Las Vegas VIP Services company. The first steps were to get all the infrastructure in place. Then, I told one of the company partners, "I'm only going to do what I do every day, just more of it." So, with marketing three blogs, a website and managing three Twitter accounts, I'm a bit pooped. Today, it's your turn to talk, I'm too tired.

This Halloween It Really Is Trick Or Tweet

"1348 Seneca is passing out crap."

Ah... Halloween, the night that every dentist loves. I know the cavities I have were probably the direct result of a week of sugar-filled debauchery back in the 1960's in the wake of an all hallows eve. Times have changed, a lot. Technology has invaded this holiday and this Halloween it really is Trick or Tweet.

Do you remember doing that, slurring the words... Twick or Tweet?

There Is A God - And I'm Out Of Time

There IS a God. He tweeted me.

Today, I have to write very fast. I've been working on a new project at Denny's for 29.5 hours - and I have to leave to pick up something at my house and go to a meeting. Then I can come home and sleep. But, I have good news: There is a God.

Being on the Internet, there are small milestones you try to achieve - getting as many page views as possible, building your subscriber list, increasing your Facebook friends and getting as many followers as possible on Twitter.

FullyFollow.me - One-Click Friend, LIKE, Connect, Follow

Click picture to connect with me.

When you're running around the social media track, hopping from site to site, filling out profiles, updating statuses, sharing, stealing, deleting, blocking - whatever you do - you hope that people will click on that magic button that connects you with them. Now, one site can allow someone interested in seeing more of you on the net a chance to connect quickly and easily. FullyFollow.me offers one-click friend, LIKE, connect and follow.

Four major connecting points are accessible on one screen. FullyFollow.me is so simple. You connect your Facebook account, your Facebook Fan Page, your Twitter account and your LinkedIN account. If someone clicks on your FullyFollow.me link, with one click, they are connected to you four ways.

How Speed Limits Work. Some People Don't Get It.

These speed limits are only suggestions.

Through the course of my life, I have spent an extraordinary amount of time behind the wheel of some type of vehicle. I've had small cars, tiny cars, mid-sized sedans, big land yachts, sports cars, SUV's and a pickup truck. I've had front wheel drive, rear wheel drive, and 4-wheel drive. With all the vehicles, I've amassed enough windshield time to circumnavigate the globe about 24 times. The circumference of the earth is 24,859.82 miles. Over the miles I have seen my share of stupid driving. But one thing that really annoys me is how fast or slow people drive. That is why I have to explain How Speed Limits Work. Some people don't get it.

Dancing With The Stars - Week 6 Recap - Monday, October 24, 2011

Derek Hough and Ricki Lake on DWTS.

After a one week slip, Ricki Lake charged to the top of the leader board on Week 6 of Dancing With The Stars, Monday, October 24, 2011. J.R. Martinez stayed right with her and danced to tie for the top spot in the chase for the Mirror Ball Trophy.

Glitz and glam from the Great White Way graced the dance floor on Broadway Show Tunes week; Week 6, just past the half way point in the Dancing With The Stars competition. With only seven couples left in the contest, everyone had to improve their performances. Fan voting can only take you so far and this is where the serious competitors will step up.

THE PROFESSOR - Donut Philosophy - an ALL MY DONUTS film

THE PROFESSOR spouts Donut Philosophy.

There was a day when the great sages of my youth spouted world-changing platitudes after some sort of mind-altering activity. It all made sense. We CAN change the world with a potato peeler and a coconut. Nowadays, age is the mind-altering factor. Either old age or just too much information accumulated over a lifetime. Here, THE PROFESSOR presents Donut Philosophy in an ALL MY DONUTS film.

Where Could Your Blog Take You? And How?

Where are you headed with your blog?

Blogging usually starts as a journey fueled by passion. You have something to say and a blog seemed like a great platform to voice your thoughts. As long as you maintain your passion, find new ideas and improve your technique, you will keep going. But the road does not have to be an endless string of text filled posts without compensation. There is a promised land. By doing a few things properly and consistently, you could be in for more than you bargained for, and that is a good thing. Where could your blog take you? And how?

First, you have to produce good content. Content that people want to read or see. Your content could be writing, it could be videos, photo journals, great graphic designs, anything you want - but it has to be great.

Next, be a social maven. Facebook and Twitter are the two places to concentrate on in the beginning. You can add other social sites as you progress. Be active. Produce status updates on Facebook. Tweet on Twitter. Share your blog posts on both. Share pictures. Comment on other Facebook updates. Like updates. Retweet tweets you like on Twitter.

Once you've established a routine on Facebook and Twitter and you've started to build friends and followers, set up a Facebook Fan Page. Get the LIKE button widget on your site. Get a Twitter button on your site, too.

Learning to become an Internet marketer is well worth your time. There are thousands of people that would love to know how to be proficient at it. Use your blog as a learning tool. Seek out new gadgets, widgets and tools. Bookmark them and collect them. I guarantee you someone is looking for what you just found or what you just learned. That is worth something.

Now that you've been producing content, you've learned how to be a better Internet marketer and your following is growing, you want to look for other venues for your writing or content. If you produce funny videos, look into Funny or Die. Funny content, try Cracked.com. There are a number of other sites that will pay you for content. You just have to keep looking for them.

Sites like Helium, HubSpot, Squidoo, SharedContent, Associated Content, etc. all offer revenue sharing. But your content is buried on their site and if anyone finds it and clicks on the ads, you get half of what the ad click was worth - which could be pennies. These sites may buy you a coffee over the course of a year, but you won't be making a living.

There are three venues you can take your work.

You can write for a site for free. If they have lots of traffic or big name recognition, this can be used as a "resume" item for your next gig. I picked up a gig from writing my America's Got Talent show recaps and reviews. AGTNews.com asked if they could use my content. There is no compensation, but my articles show up on AGTNews.com - the number one TV show of the summer.

Take on work that pays a commission or may be for low pay. I just landed a deal doing Internet marketing for a company. It's straight commission, but it gives me a chance to prove what I know about Internet markeitng. I'm doing exactly what I do every day, just more of it.

The next step is once you've proven your success somewhere, you can demand a price. "Look what I did here. If you want that, it will cost you _______."

You can do the basics on your blog to monetize it: Google AdSense, AmazonAssociates, eBay, Affiliate Programs, etc. I haven't had a lot of luck with those. I make some money, but I can see where huge traffic is the key to making money with those. In the meantime, I'm trying to get lined up with sites that pay real money for content, doing the Internet marketing and working on taking content and turning it into an eBook that I can sell. I'm also looking into teaching blog classes or Internet marketing classes via Skype or another webcam platform like UStream.tv.

On the Internet, it is not like having a job and getting a paycheck. You have to create multiple revenue streams. You make some money from your ads, you might be able to sell ads on your site, you write for someone else. you sell your Internet expertise to someone, you can teach people via webcam, produce an eBook, create and sell merchandise. There are no limits to how you can generate money, but you have to get one in place, make it stick, then move to the next revenue stream.

No two people will follow the same path. It all depends on the skills they have developed and how aggressive they are at selling those skills or the content they produce.

One thing I've learned is: Just be there. Produce content. Be active in social media. Share. Comment. Like. You will never know when and how things will develop. You can pursue opportunities, however, by just being out there, things will eventually come your way. The more you do, the more you'll start to see: Where could your blog take you? And how?

Related articles:
How To Start A Blog | 10 Lessons On Starting A Blog For Profit

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No Picture = No Friend, No Follow. GET A PICTURE!

No Picture = No Friend, No Follow.

With 800 million Facebook users around the world, millions of Twitter tweeters, 50 million Google+'ers and several million more links on LinkedIN, there is no shortage of people to find as friends or to follow. In the online world, I'm rather free-form. I let people do what they want. But I have one hard and fast rule: No Picture = No Friend, No Follow. GET A PICTURE!

There is nothing worse than leaving the default picture on your profile. After your name, the picture should be the second thing you do when filling out your profile. Honestly, whether you like Bare Naked Ladies or bare naked ladies, makes no difference to me. I don't care about your favorite movie or what book you read over the summer. If you like to skateboard in your underwear, you can keep that info to yourself. But I demand a name and a picture.

The online world is 2-D. You only have a name and a picture. Even if the picture is not of you, it still says something. When a person uses a picture of someone famous, like Robert DeNiro, I don't know what the message is there. Or when a guy uses a picture of a woman, that's a red flag. The other info, your name, well, you have what you have, unless you have a fake name.

Beyond name and picture, there are three things that people judge you on: What you say, what you share and what you produce.

The average online socialite usually only says things and shares things - usually things they borrowed or found. A small group of people produce something, like photography, graphic designs, writing, blog posts, videos, music. If people like what you say, share or produce, people will flock to you.

But having no picture is like surrounding yourself with barbed wire. No one wants to touch you. You're like one giant lingering fart on the Internet. You can clear a room by just showing up with your faceless face.

Profiles without faces are associated with spammers, porn peddlers, or hit and run artists. That's not a group you want to be in.

So tell your grandmother, your aunt or your best friend who still is faceless to put SOMETHING in the picture area. It can be a stop sign for all I care, but put something. Otherwise my rule kicks in: No picture = No Friend, No Follow. GET A PICTURE!

Related articles:

How To Build Your Brand On The Internet And Social Networks
Why It Is Important To Craft And Build Your Personal Brand
Where Will It Stop With Hyphenated Last Names?

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Moammar Gadhafi Is Dead. Obama: Libya In Good Hands

Gadhafi during happier times. And alive.

Reports began surfacing in the early morning hours on October 20th, 2011 that something was up with Moammar Gadhafi. With news stations stumbling over themselves to break the story, wild and varied reports came in from all over the planet. Then, the president spoke. "Moammar Gadhafi is dead. Libya is in good hands."

There is nothing more ridiculous in our modern age of news reporting than when sources try to break a story. This can only be topped by a bunch of bloated holiday shoppers storming the doors at Wal-Mart on Black Friday. In either case, someone gets crushed.

Reports came in that Gadhafi was found spray painting graffiti in a sewage pipe. Then he was shot in one leg. No, he was shot in both legs. The group that found him and shot him or found him shot was taking him to the hospital. Now, the story changed to just one shot in the leg, but he was being paraded around down a street, where he may have been shot again, in the other leg. Reports arose that he was dead - no cause of death. But another report said he was shot in the head. Not knowing how he died, another service said his body was being dragged through the streets. I'm still doubting the report that an apple was shoved in his mouth and he was put on a spit and served with traditional Middle Eastern mint jelly.

What we can deduce from all of this is that Moammar Gadhafi was brutally killed. His crispy corpse was taken to the authorities where he will be tried and probably sentenced to death, again. Or they may cut off his head and feature it on a Saturday morning kid's show on Al Jazeera.

This method of justice is very different than what we have in America, but president Obama said, "Libya is in good hands."

What better hands to be in than to shoot, torture, kill and drag a body through the streets. Those are the kind of sensible people we hope take over the helm in Libya. They're fast, efficient and saved the government a lengthy criminal trial. Now, all that needs to be done is auction off Gadhafi's extensive wardrobe of fabric wraps, sunglasses and cool little caps.

For years, we support these dictators, change our mind and hope they get ousted; and then welcome in a raucous band of rebels in hopes that they'll make things right. With all these unknowns, we can only take solace in the fact that Gadhafi was not buried at sea.

We've seen a lot of change in the Middle East, but will it be change for the better? Are the new guards better or worse than the previous regime? If the Muslim Brotherhood gets their foot in the door, you can bet against improvement. Only time will tell if the Middle East will find true democracy and freedom for its people. For now, Moammar Gadhafi is dead and Obama says, "Libya is in good hands."

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Happy Birthday To My Favorite Person In The World

My favorite person in the world.

Eleven years ago you came into my life. It was the happiest day of my life. Each year that has passed, you've given me more to love, more to be proud of, more to hope for. So, today I want to wish a Happy Birthday to my favorite person in the world - you, my daughter.

I'm sorry I had to go away, honey. I don't want to be where I am. I'm spending every minute I can working on building my Internet business so that I can return to you. Just getting a job here will never work. It will pay bills, but it won't lead me home to you.

It's so hard being away from the person I used to laugh with all the time. It's hard trying to explain how and why I wound up where I am. Some of it is grown-up stuff that you would not understand. But I never spend a day without thinking about you.

Since I won't be there for your 11th birthday, I hope you have a great day. I hope you wish big dreams and they all come true. I hope you smile as much as you can all day and every day following.

I have so many great memories of our time together. Remember "Cowboy Camp" where we dressed up like cowboys and went to 7-11 to buy snacks and the guy at the counter asked, "What are you supposed to be?" - "We're cowboys."

And movie night - inflating the air mattress in front of the TV, popping corn and cuddling up. What a great time.

I used to just love spinning quarters on the table tops at Starbucks with you. We could do nothing for hours and have the best time.

And remember the balloons at Dairy Queen? We both nearly choked to death making those funny squeaking sounds.

Chasing you around at the park was a lot of fun. And that movie we went to at the park. I loved that.

We didn't have to spend a lot of money. We just had to be together. Remember all the games we played with the free toys at McDonald's and Burger King? I think the lobster flinging the ketchup cups was the funniest.

I really miss you curled up in my lap, watching Sponge Bob. And playing all those whacky games on the computer.

We had some great times. And we will again, someday.

I wish I could give you a date. I wish this long separation could be over tomorrow. I wish I could pick you up from school today and go out for pizza and arcade games. Or go down to Gameworks and race the horses or play pinball or the fire hose game. It doesn't matter what we'd do. I'd just want to be with you.

You have been and always will be my favorite person in the world, my best friend, the person I have the greatest dreams for and would do anything for. But things got in the way. No matter what, no one makes me happier than you. I love that we can still talk and you are so honest with me. I'm here to help, even if I am 2,300 miles away.

Call me if you need help with math or anything else. And we need to try and Skype more often. I miss seeing your face. I wish I could give you a big kiss.

I love you more than anyone or anything I've ever loved in my life and that will never change. Never.

Happy Birthday to you, my sweetie pie. Happy Birthday to my favorite person in the world - now and forever.

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Occupy Wall Street ( #OWS ) - What Is The Objective?

OWS protests spill into Times Square.

A month ago in Lower Manhattan a protest began that has done nothing but grow, not just in New York City, but globally. People are creating camps across the country and around the world with a label "Occupy _______" (Insert name of city). What started out as a very peaceful protest is pitting police and citizens against each other. Numerous arrests have been made wherever the "Occupy" banners fly. After reading the website for Occupy Wall Street, I had to ask, "What is the objective?"

I spent quite a bit of time on the OccupyWallStreet website and was trying to sift through the messages, announcement, calls to action, meeting locations and everything else that is part of a growing movement.

In an article that was produced by Reuters and reposted on the website dated October 17, 2011, a quote in the opening paragraph, which was not attributed to anyone specific said,

"...we kicked off a protest against bank bailouts, corporate greed, and the unchecked power of Wall Street in Washington."

But on October 9, 2011, from a transcript of a speech given at one of the Liberty Square protests in New York this quote appears,

"Remember: the problem is not corruption or greed. The problem is the system that pushes you to give up."

Since the two quotes on the same page contradict each other, I discerned that people have had enough of corporate greed, and lack of action by the government during the George W. Bush administration. A large majority of Americans, 67%, support the message of the protests; and 81% agree that they have the right to protest as long as it is peaceful.

OccupyWallStree (OWS) has published a seven point Good Neighbor Policy, which states that they have zero tolerance for violence, profanity, destruction of property, not using public sanitation, they will limit drumming to 2 hours a day and will have community relations personnel on hand at all times.

I agree, Wall Street went way over the line during the years and month leading up to the housing meltdown. The Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson, let some very bad deals go down on Wall St. and he was party to most of them. But Wall St. is all about greed and fear, it always has been and always will. Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) said it in the 1987 film Wall Street, "Greed is good."

But through all the shouting and the marching, I'm still trying to figure out what is the objective? To raise awareness? Not a day goes by that I'm not hit with a message raising awareness for breast cancer, but they have objectives - testing, early diagnosis, donations. What does OWS and all the other "O's" want?

This comment came from the October 9, 2011 transcript,

"We don’t want higher standards of living. We want better standards of living."

Isn't that saying the same thing?

If they said they wanted an investigation or a hearing or full-disclosure, then I'd have something to sink my teeth into. But, right now, this whole movement - sans objective - is reminiscent of the 1976 movie Network, where Peter Finch won an Oscar for yelling, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." Watch this clip. You can roll the clock ahead nearly 40 years and nothing has changed.



The line, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore," made for a great movie, but again, there was no objective, plan for action or a model of the better world put forth. And today, we are seeing this scenario play out all of the world. People are mad as hell. But what do they want?

When Occupy Wall Street (OWS) can state an objective, then we might have something we can all be mad about and do something about.

Related link:
OccupyWallStreet Website

Related articles:
Why The Psychological Recession Never Ended, Part 1
Why The Obama Recession Will Continue, Part 2

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Empire Avenue. The Social Stock Market. A Fun Way To Connect.

On my profile page, all of my social accounts are listed and linked.

Recently, I took a long look at the social sites I'm going to spend time on and which ones are best for me. Everyone has different goals online, so you have to review each site and determine if it is a platform that advances your goals. After my review, I thought I had the group of sites that would best serve me, then a friend introduced me to Empire Avenue, The Social Stock Market - a fun way to connect.

The typical social site offers you an opportunity to share content, pictures, updates, and gradually make friends or connections. A drawback to a lot of social sites is that if you have other connections on the Internet, they are pretty much invisible on most social sites. If you're on LinkedIN, people would not necessarily know that you have a Twitter account or a Flickr account. Same goes for Twitter, Facebook, Blogged and a number of the other more popular sites. Empire Avenue breaks the mold and puts all of your connections front and center, where everyone can see them.

Empire Avenue has a hook, you are a commodity on their stock market, and you have a share price. The more you do with your social networks and the more people interact with the sites where you have a profile, the higher your price goes or the more money goes into your account. Laws of supply and demand also factor in to your stock price. If a lot of people are buying your shares, your price goes up.

A beginner creates a stock ticker symbol for themselves and starts with a share price of around 8 or 9 eaves - their term for dollars. You are allowed to purchase up to 200 shares of anyone else in the system or buy shares in a friend who is not yet connected and invite them to join. It's FREE to be part of Empire Avenue, and I have yet to find a premium - surprise - in the fine print.

What immediately caught my attention was when people go to buy your shares, if you have a Facebook Fan Page, it is right there in the order confirmation box and people can easily LIKE your page. Before I started on Empire Avenue, I had less than 100 people who had LIKE'd my page. That number almost doubled in a week.

I'm picking up new Facebook friends, Twitter followers and strengthening connections I've made on LinkedIN. And I'm not spending a lot of time on Empire Avenue. Most days, I don't spend much more than 15 minutes on the site. I buy shares in people who have bought me, dump a few losers, check my messages and that's it.

Another plus with Empire Avenue, the majority of the people are Internet savvy, own a business or have a high level corporate position. Next to no riffraff. You meet quality, influential people and have a little fun. My stock price went up to 71 in 8 days. I'm active on the Internet, plus when people see all of the connections I have, they know I'm a good buy and will bring them a nice return.

As you progress in the game, your ability to buy more shares increases and the amount of shares people can buy of you increases. Plus, you get little awards for various accomplishments - Posting 50 comments on Facebook, having 100 views on your Flickr account, sending out 100 tweets on Twitter and so on.

Empire Avenue combines beneficial networking and a game that is not a burden like Mafia Wars or Farmville - which both try to drive you mad until you finally fork over cash to get that turbo charged cow or whatever you need to advance to the next level.

I'd highly recommend to anyone who has a presence on the Internet and wants to expand that presence to sign up for Empire Avenue, The Social Stock Market - a fun way to connect.

Related link:
Empire Avenue - Buy my stock, my symbol is: ROGERBLAZIC

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TYPO in VEGAS - an ALL MY DONUTS film

It was just about perfect in Las Vegas, until...

When you dive into the entertainment business, there are certain milestones each entertainer has in their minds. It could be their first booking, their first PAID booking, working at a certain club or in a certain city. And when that opportunity comes along, you want everything to be perfect. My latest ALL MY DONUTS film tells a true story in TYPO in VEGAS.

I was a road warrior comic. I had worked all of the crappiest places on the planet and then started to work nicer and nicer venues. Through a bizarre series of events, I wound up in Las Vegas. How can you beat that? VEGAS, baby!!!!

Well, just about everything went well. But one big problem came up... enjoy TYPO in VEGAS... and the compilation at the end. Guaranteed laughs.





Yes, my big moment in the spotlight and I was a TYPO in VEGAS. Good fodder for another ALL MY DONUTS film.

Did the last Elvis need explaining? If so, leave a comment.

Related videos:
Chuck Buys A Thing
Up Close And Personal
Selecting A New Profile Picture
DIMWIT Movie Trailer
BLOWN AWAY
STATS MAN Does Toastmasters

See the entire ALL MY DONUTS series.

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Facebook Has Made The Poke An Annoying Joke

Facebook found a way to make the poke annoying.

Since the beginning of Facebook, the philosophical question of, "To poke or not to poke?" has been asked. Some people love it. Some people hate it. In a September 29th MASHABLE article, Pete Cashmore called for the end of the poke. I wouldn't go that far, but Facebook doesn't seem to know what to do with the poke and, honestly, Facebook has made the poke an annoying joke.

The poke has always been a way to say "Hey" to someone. Just a reminder that you're thinking of them. However, my experience has been that the poke becomes a game of poke-tennis. You get poked, you return the poke and within seconds the poke comes back, so you poke back. This can get quite maddening if you have a rapid response philosophy about poking.

I got tired of the constant volleying and chose to wait until I've accumulated 100 pokes, then take five minutes to return them all. To me, it's a good time management practice.

Even when I wait several days to accumulate the 100 pokes, as soon as I return them, they are blasting back within seconds. I make light of it and generate a few laughs about the maniac POKE, POKE, POKE responses.

Facebook isn't sure what it wants to do with the POKE. In it's new layout, the poke is hidden under a drop down menu in the upper right of a person's profile. So, you get the impression that the poke is slowly phasing out, right? NO! Now in your notifications, every time you get a POKE, you get a notice. This is way more annoying than the way it was.

It was perfectly fine to look at your home page and see that you had X number of pokes. But for them to show up in the notification, especially if you get a lot of pokes, it is really a pain in the  - wherever you get poked.

Unlike, Cashmore, I'm not for killing the poke. But I think Facebook is making a big mistake by making it an item of urgency by sticking it in the notifications. Facebook needs to let us POKE each other in private. Keep it subtle, low key, somewhat mysterious.

The poke has never been one of my favorite features on Facebook, but I've learned to live with it and have some fun with it. Now, Facebook has mad the poke an annoying joke and I might be voting to kill the poke after all.

Related articles:
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I Have Too Many Beautiful Women On Facebook As Friends
Stupid Things People Do On Facebook And Twitter

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Whale Does Stand-up Comedy. Trashes Evolution.

Blake Blubber smashes evolution.

At comedy clubs, you see all kinds of acts. There are men and women who stand straight and still at the microphone and just tell jokes or stories. There are acts with guitars, and there are acts with props. But this is the first time we've ever seen a case where a Whale Does Stand-up Comedy and then trashes evolution.

Without further adieu, let's take you to a well-known comedy club in a city not far from you.

Seated just left of the stage and waiting for our umbrella drinks we hear...

[Over the PA system: OK, ladies and gentlemen. Coming to the stage is one of the biggest acts in the business. He's performed all over the seven seas and is a whaling survivor, let's give a big Funny Bone welcome to Blake Blubber....]

Cheers.... applause

Hey folks, great to be here. I just swam in from Chilé and boy are my flutes tired.

Chuckles

You're looking at me like I just got off the boat... Whoah... that was my great-great-grandfather's trick... Moby Dick.

Giggles, smirks

You wanna know why I hate airline food?

"Why?"

You gotta wait for a plane to crash before you can eat.

Groans

Hey folks, these are the jokes. ...

In my introduction, they mentioned that I am a whaling survivor. Yes... I had a big problem with having something long and hard shoved into my ass. I'd probably think differently if I had spent time in prison.

I bet Shamu did time. Yeah, I bet he did.

Nervous laughter

If I gotta start explaining these jokes, it's gonna be a long night.

Laughs

Now that I've got your attention, I have to get something off my chest. ... A stingray... HA!

I fell on the poor bastard last night.

Big laugh and a smattering of applause.

Let's dive into what I came to rant about. What's the difference between a liberal and an evolutionist?

NOTHING. Neither one is right.

Laughs, a few boos

I was at the natural history museum the other day, looking at a plaster replica of my uncle.

Laughs

Here, to help you get a better picture of my uncle I'll do a quick impression of him... Ooooooooweeeeeooo Eeeeeeeowwwwweeee.

Giggles, chuckles

I'm telling you it sounds just like him. That is a whale of an impression of my uncle.

Groans

Ha, ha Get it... whale of an impression.... Man, you folks are dense.

Anyway... it says at the natural history museum that a couple million years ago my ancestors evolved into land creatures and became bears. Oh really? What a pile of baleen that is. You ever seen a bear with a blowhole? Where the hell did it go?

Laughs

Land creatures? You got to be kidding me. Do the bears shit in the woods?

NO... they do it at LAMBEAU FIELD.

Big laughs and applause

It's great to be here in Green Bay. Go Packers.

Howls, cheers.

Why the hell would we want to leave the sea and live on land? We didn't have a choice? Our DNA forced us to head to the land? Oh, yes, Mr. Darwin, we'll do whatever BS you can cook up.

Laughs

Oh, wait, it gets better. After another million years or so, we whale-bears decided that the land was not where we belonged and we evolved to go back to the sea. And I thought I was the one with the blowhole.

Laughs

And how did we get our blowholes back? A hyena kicked our asses all the way up to the middle of our backs?

Lots of laughs. People doubling over.

And where did our fur go? Super Cuts?

Laughs

And let's talk about ears? LOOK AT ME! DO YOU SEE ANY FURY EARS? Well, I don't have any ears or a freakin' nose either. Damn. DNA is just like Pixar. Put a dick on a duck, if you wish.

Laughs, smattering of applause

No ears, no nose - then, suddenly - over a couple million years, we needed them... add a little fur and we're right there shittin' on Lambeau Field.

Roaring laughter

God, I love Green Bay.

Applause, cheers

So, according to the highly evolved free thinkers, us whale-bears had to lose our noses and ears, ditch the fur, claws and sharp teeth, get our asses moved to the middle of our backs and learn how to breath through 'em, give up salmon and start sucking down tons of krill, grow some baleen over our mouths, grow flutes out of asses, lose our arms and legs and put on more weight than Oprah in her seventh season... damn... this DNA sounds more like DN - AA.

I've seen crab fisherman walk a straighter line after a taping of Deadliest Catch.

Laughter and applause

So, now we are the whale-bear-whales. Is evolution that fucked up? Can't make up its mind? Land? Sea? Land? Sea? Land? Sea? Thank God the evolutionists didn't turn us into birds at some point like they did the reptiles.

Yeah, right. Here comes some dumbass lizard climbing a tree, "Look at me, look at me, I can fly...." SPLAT... NOW I understand survival of the fittest. But why the hell did lizards want to fly in the first place? Airline miles?

Laughs

Evolutionists determined that we lived on land because we have a couple bones near the back of our body. They call these VES-TI-GEE-AL limbs. Big ass word for a dumbass conclusion. What are these evolutionists doing, smoking weed and playing connect the dots?

Laughs

And then they mock people who believe in a God by saying, "What's God spelled backwards? Huh, huh,,,, dog... you get it?" Yeah, turn around and let me put a flute in your ass and then we'll wait a couple million years and I can bite your head off and stuff it in a tree where I keep my honey-flavored krill.

Cheers

You don't have to believe in a God, but don't think someone is a moron because they do. "You can't prove it. You're an idiot." Well Darwin, why don't you take another bong hit and play that connect that dots game again. You're making the Warren Report look brilliant.

Confused laughs

You're all looking at me like a Frisbee just whizzed over the top of your heads.

See, there was this bullet that acted a lot like DNA. It had a mind of its own. It defied physics and science... oh.. never mind.

Chuckles... [Old people applaud]

All I know is, nature is so complex and ordered, it can't all be from sheer chance. Science has NEVER produced one single positive mutation in a lab. NOT ONE. Yet we're supposed to believe that everything around us came from a trillion quadrillion mutations that all fell into place just perfectly. And they laugh when I talk about a God. ... Oh that's right. It's a dog... ha, ha, ha...

You know what you get when you make God go backwards? Nothing.

Applause

Well, my time is just about up. If there is anything you learned today, it would beeeeeee....

Do the bears shit in the woods?

NOOOOO!

Where do they shit?

LAMBEAU FIELD!!!!

God, you people are smart. Go Packers!!! Thank you, Good Night !!!!!!

APPLAUSE, CHEERS, WHOOT, WHOOT

*************

And there you have it, the first case of a whale doing stand-up comedy, and he trashes evolution.

*************

Blake Blubber is a creation of Roger Blazic the 

Keyboard Comic

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