|I'm an Internet Whore. The picture was just for fun.|
I hope you get this, because about 7 out of 10 just can't get it through their heads. Most of the problem is that they don't have enough information to open their mouth and say something that makes sense.
Here's the conversation I have about 20 times a day since my computer died.
"How's it going?"
"Not good. My computer died."
"You know they have them at the library."
"Yes, but I blog and had been writing and marketing my blog 20 hours a day and the library has a 2 hour time limit per day. I'm about 18 hours short."
"You can still go to the library."
"Well, what's the problem?"
"After I get caught up on Facebook, Twitter and one of my email accounts, I have about 30 minutes to write a post. And that's not enough time, unless all I'm giving is the time and the weather."
"It's a place to meet people and share things."
"OK... still don't get it. I've heard of that Twitter thing. What's that all about?"
"It's a cool way to send short messages. You can use it to market a blog like I do."
"What's a blog?"
"They were called Weblogs when they first started. Think of a site that holds stories, like a newspaper."
"I don't get the paper."
"Anyway, my computer died and I'm screwed."
"They have them at the library."
"I think you mentioned that."
"Why don't you try craigslist?"
"I'd buy a lamp or a bike off of craigslist, but never a computer. It would take me a couple hours to check out all the software and to see if the damn thing stayed on for two hours before I'd buy it. Forget craigslist."
"Well, why don't you just go to the library?"
"They only let me go on for 2 hours."
"Oh, it has to be longer than that."
"I've been there every day and asked everyone I could if I could get more than 2 hours. You can only get 2 hours."
"You know Goodwill sells computers for $200."
"I need a Mac. I mean, I need an Apple computer."
"Check Goodwill and then go to the library after that."
"I doubt if I can get a used Apple computer that will do what I need it to do."
"I'm sure it would."
"No. I need certain programs. I want a camera on my computer so I can see my 10 year-old daughter in Las Vegas and I want to use the camera to teach blogging classes and marketing classes online."
"They have computer classes at the library."
"I don't need them."
"Have you tried a pawn shop?"
"Yes, piles of PC's for $300."
"Well, there ya go. $300 and you're back in business."
"Well, isn't that what you had."
"No, I had an Apple iBookG4."
"Oh, an Apple. That's one of those fancy ones. They're expensive aren't they?"
"Not really. When you figure that you have to spend a lot of money on virus protection on a PC, buy extra software to do all the stuff that comes standard with an Apple and you don't have to waste time defragging your hard drive and downloading endless patches to fix this and that and hook to a printer... An Apple is a bargain."
"Do they have those at the library?"
"But you can still go there?"
"Yup. Burned up my 2 hours this morning."
"Why don't you take your computer to Microcenter, they fix computers."
"My computer is six years old. Apple considers it a Vintage Machine, which mean it's older than five years and there are no parts available. Apple doesn't have the parts; Microcenter doesn't have the parts; and the little computer shops don't have the parts."
"Have you tried going to another library?"
"No, I don't know where one is."
"I'm telling ya, there are people on those library computers all the time."
"I need more than 2 hours a day on a computer to get done what I was used to doing. I'm broke, I live on food stamps and charity from my brother and sister for gas and toilet paper."
"Yeah, I'm on food stamps too. Do you get disability?"
"No, it was denied. But that's the case the first time around. I'm under appeal."
"Yup. The state is a bitch."
"I really don't want to be on the government's tit. I'm trying to build a business on the Internet through my blog."
"Yeah, you mentioned that blog. Can't you do the blog at the library?"
"Not enough time. Plus, there are programs I use that I can't download onto the library's computer. It's killing my marketing and my page views."
"Is that with your blog?"
"Yeah, I started on my blog on March 7th. In 90 days, I went from zero to over 60,000 page views. I'm good at search engine marketing."
"What's a search engine?"
"You heard of Google."
"Oh, that thing. I hear you can use that to look up all kinds of stuff."
"Yes... so you do know a lot about the Internet and computers? [Wink]"
"Oh, I don't bother with them. My son is an IT programmer. Maybe he can help you with your computer."
"Oh, he's a whiz. He's got computers all over his house. I'm sure he can help you. Here's his number."
"So what are you going to do about your computer?"
"I have a donation button on my blog. I've collected over $125 so far. My goal is $1,200."
"Holy shit. TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS? Why so damn much?"
"The computer is $999, tax, 3% PayPal fee and the cost of transferring my old hard drive contents to the new computer."
"You can use the computers at the library. They're free."
"We've already covered the library thing. What I NEED on the computer is a camera, so I can do webinars and classes and some consulting. My old Mac doesn't have a camera. But the most important use of the camera is to see my daughter. She gets so excited when we get to Skype a couple times a month at my sister's house. She hasn't seen me in person since December 13, 2009."
"Why the fuck would you leave Vegas to come here?"
"I got sick. Bad things happened. I wound up broke. I needed medical attention and help. My sister and brother came through for me and helped me."
"Why don't you get the money from her?"
"They've given me too much already. Plus, my sister and brother think that my time on the computer is just goofing off until I can get a real job."
"Yeah, why don't you get a job?"
"I have two outfits... Jeans and t-shirt, shorts and t-shirt. That's my A-Game for an interview. But it doesn't matter. I can't get an interview."
"Why is that?"
"Well, for about 18 of the last 20 years, I was the boss. No one wants to hire the boss. And the advertising industry where I had a good reputation won't hire me because I don't have a degree in marketing, advertising or communications."
"Ain't that some shit."
"Here's the funny part. There are sites I go on where communications and advertising executives and managers hang out. I post stuff about marketing on there. I have people that are drilling me with questions, basically asking me for better ways to do THEIR job. And I can't get a fucking interview. Amazing."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Keep begging on the Internet with my tin cup out. If enough people gave just a buck, this crap would be over and I'd be rockin' and rollin' again. Like ther Rolling Stones sang, I Ain't Too Proud to Beg. Ha, ha, ha."
"You really begging?"
"Yup... and I've become a whore about Internet access. I go into stores and say - Can I do a tweet on your computer?" I also stop people with smartphones and ask them if I can do ONE tweet. If they have a business, I do two tweets. I do one for me and one promoting their business with the hashtag #Tweetwalking."
"What's a tweet?"
"I has to do with that Twitter thing."
"Have you tried craisglist?"
"You know, my laxatives just kicked in and I really have to go."
"Try the library. You can shit there and use the computers."
And that's a day in the life of The King of Internet Access Whores.
NOTE: I wrote this post at an Internet Cafe where people gamble away their rent on "Sweepstakes". The lady let me use the computer at no charge. They usually charge $6.00 an hour to use them. It's a gift. I'm grateful.
Best of My Funny Blog Posts