Share posts with your friends !!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Facebook To Release Ten More Enhancements This Weekend

Facebook News Feed gets unfriended.
Mark Zuckerberg announced ten new enhancements to Facebook that will come out this weekend. After the incredibly huge screw up of changing the News Feed to an incompatible and useless feature, Facebook feels that more enhancements will calm the rising tide of anger and resentment; not to mention the exodus to LinkedIN. 

Regardless of the backlash, "The News Feed will stay," said Zuckerberg, cowering under his desk. "I just wanna get chicks. You saw the movie. Give me a break. Please, stop it. Stop it."

Facebook will move forward with the following enhancements.

* * * * * FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE * * * * *



1) Button enhancements: Love, Like, Sorta Like, Not So, Who Fucking Cares

2) Random Friend Request: Each day you will get five new friends from a foreign country. No language conversion will be available until Spring 2013, but you can POKE the heck out of them.

3) UNI-BIRTHDAY: Everyone will have their birthday on the same day. Saves time. You click the new Happy Birthday button and they are automatically enrolled in three apps that will jam their computer and produce mountains of SPAM.

4) No Relationship Status: FB feels that we're all in this together. You can no longer have a relationship. It's like a public restroom without stall walls. Get used to the stench and the people next to you.

5) All Profile Pictures Will Revert To The Blue Default: This will save an enormous amount of time and space on our servers. So many people have fake pictures anyway, this will cut through the crap and make us all more uniform. Inclusion. Inclusion - the message of the Civil Rights movement.

6) All Photo Albums Will Shuffle - Whatever pictures you have stored on FB will automatically shuffle with other people's albums. Each day, you will have completely new photo albums.

7) All YouTube Videos Will Auto-Play: As soon as a YouTube video is favorited or liked, and it appears in the News Feed, it will begin playing. This will reduce mouse usage and extend the life of your mouse.

8) Poke Will Be Disabled, Except for Women and Foreigners Who Have Yet To Get The Language Conversion Download: You will only be allowed to poke women. Men will not be able to poke each other or women cannot poke back at the men. We feel that this is morally correct and hope to have a constitutional amendment to support this decision.

9) Auto-Black Out: If you use cuss words in a status update with Facebook or FB in the same update, your screen will go black and move to a bad neighborhood.

10) CNN, Twitter, Fox, CBS, PBS Streaming: Along with the News Feed, a mandatory feed of the listed networks will be included. We want to upgrade the relevance of our content.

If you don't like it and complain, see #9.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Tell me exactly what you think...

GET $20 of FREE Stock TODAY!