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Monday, September 12, 2011

Eric Is Done With The Browns - Needs A New Team - an ALL MY DONUTS story

Eric. Done with the Browns.
When you have a team that hasn't won a championship since 1964 and is one of four teams to never appear in a Super Bowl, you'd think it would be easy to let them go. Not in Cleveland. Fans still line up and games sell out for the Cleveland Browns, even though they have been mostly dismal since they returned to Cleveland in 1999. During the season opener against the Cincinnati Bengals, the Browns did something really stupid. Eric is done with the Browns and needs a new time - an ALL MY DONUTS story.

Eric is one of the managers at the Denny's where I do a lot of my writing and internet activity - they have FREE WiFi 24/7. Eric is extremely well read, a brainiac sort, if you will. He's a veteran and had a highly classified combat zone position. I can't talk about it, otherwise, I'll have to stick an IED in your shorts.

Up until 1:46 to go in the Browns opener at Browns Stadium he was a fan.

I guess what happened was, the Browns were down 20-17. Their defense was confused and still in a huddle when the Bengals snapped the ball and some guy (you can tell I missed it) ran 41 yards for a touchdown to ice the game. After that, Eric was done. "I will never watch another Cleveland Browns game again, unless they are playing my new team. But, I need a new team." He can pull this kind of crap because he wasn't born here. Natives bleed orange and brown.

He decided he couldn't go with the Steelers. That is sacrilege in this part of the state. Ravens, out - they're just the old Cleveland Browns in purple. Bengals - suck. So we have to try other teams.

I told him to go with the Packers. "No. I don't want to look like I'm going with an obvious frontrunner."

How about the 49'ers? "Hate San Francisco. I'd go with Oakland before I go with San Francisco, a beautiful city, but I hate it. And I can't go with Oakland. (No explanation)."

Carolina Panthers. Cam Newton looked fantastic, even though they lost, "Nope. Hate Cam Newton."

Do you want just any team, even if they suck? "No. I want a team with character."

Rethink that Panthers offer.

How about the Jets? "Are you kidding? I grew up in Boston. No NY teams."

Then go with the Patriots. "Sorry. Never liked the Patriots."

At this point, I'm lost. Eric needs a team and he's got roadside bombs for every suggestion. I'm telling you, he's slick. He can make a hand grenade out of a nuclear missile and a pizza.

Other staff members tried to offer suggestions. "Nope. Not them. Forget them. Never. Won't happen. You're not serious?" This is getting frustrating. How about if we leave you to walk around in your cargo shorts and think about it? Besides, you're on vacation and you shouldn't even be here.

Finally, Eric announces - JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. "I have relatives in Florida. Jacksonville is a good blue collar town. Good work ethic. I like the Jaguars. Solid. Not pretentious. Hard-nosed. That's my team."

I was going to tell him to take the Houston Texans and live with them. Or the Tennessee Titans and just give up all hope for the rest of the year. But, he's firm on Jacksonville.

Since Eric is done with the Browns and he needs a new team - are the Jaguars the right choice? What are your suggestions for Eric's new team? And you can't just give a name. You have to write at least one sentence on WHY. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

an ALL MY DONUTS story

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