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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Republicans Consolidate Candidates Into A Hydra For 2012

The GOP Hydra - Super Candidate
So far, the Republican Party has failed to move Americans with their candidates for the 2012 election. Every candidate has strengths and weaknesses. However, each has enough weaknesses that could keep them out of the White House in 2012. The Republican National Committee (RNC) came up with a radical plan to surgically combine all of the candidates. For 2012 the Republicans will consolidate their candidates into a hydra - forming a Super Candidate.

After a careful review of all of the candidates and what they have to say, more people were yawning than getting excited about going to the polls. Michele Bachmann has some good ideas and won the straw draw in Iowa, seeming to connect with voters. Mitt Romney just can't seem to connect with people. But he is a businessman and that could be good, having that kind of experience in the White House. Rick Perry is meaner and rougher than George W. Bush, did poorly in school and has that Texas accent. He's already sticking his foot in his mouth, but he has 10 years experience as governor and has the highest job creation rate in the country - even though Texas ranks 47th in wages. Ron Paul has all those crazy Libertarian ideas, but he'd never get elected, so he has to be part of the hydra team.

"Surgically combining our candidates into a single hydra Super Candidate is the way to go," said an RNC spokesman. "When one is about to say something stupid, another can be right there to pick up the ball. Any gaps in experience or knowledge are filled in by the others. This Super Candidate is revolutionary and should change the direction of elections in the future. We're just glad we thought of it first."

Ron Paul said, "Obama is dead. He only has one head and it's usually full of air. He's more concerned with his golf game, flying on Air Force One and hitting the presidential party circuit. With five or six heads, we have him beat, heads down."

"Think of the power we'd have negotiating with foreign powers," said Rick Perry. "We'd scare the freakin' crap out of them. We'd also have the balls to take on OPEC and all those oil manipulators in the Middle East."

"We might even be able to freak out the Chinese and get a better deal on our debt," commented Bachmann. "Two heads are better than one. Well, try five. We wouldn't have to argue at debates, we'd just let the person with the best answer speak. And if the audience doesn't like it, we'll blow fire in their faces."

What about food? How will you eat? "We can gobble up White House pages. They're useless anyway, with email and text messaging. Attrition through mastication."

The RNC is very excited about this new approach, forming the Super Candidate. It should fill in all the holes in their candidates, singularly. "It seems like the best move," stated a GOP spokesman.

So, the decision has been made. Republicans consolidate candidates into a hydra for 2012. 

Related articles:
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George W. Bush and Republicans Just Loved Playing War
Republicans Can't Beat Barack Obama in 2012 With Current Choices
Why The Psychological Recession Never Ended, Part 1
Why The Obama Recession Will Continue, Part 2 

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