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Sunday, August 14, 2011

Painless Suicide - A Complete Guide To Suicide

You don't want to die. You want the pain to stop.
Welcome. You're sitting in the exact same seat I've sat in a couple hundred times - surfing the Internet for an efficient, painless way to put an end to your pain. I know you're not feeling well right now, but you're in luck. I've done thousands of hours of research for you on suicide, painless suicide, putting out a hit on myself, even faking an accidental death. Yeah, I wanted out, real bad. I've got good news for you and bad news. I'll get to the good news in a little while. First, the bad news. There is no such thing as painless suicide. Since all you have is death on your mind, hang with me for a little while and I'll explain everything with a complete guide to suicide.

I've met a lot of people in my life, a lot. In that group were hundreds that had taken that long walk down the dark tunnel and wanted to do anything to make the pain stop. There is a statement that most of them have said. I know I've said it. I've actually screamed it. "I WISH I COULD GO TO BED AND NEVER WAKE UP."

Why is that so popular? I think deep down inside no one wants to do the deed themselves. They want an external power to come in and whisk them away to peace in another place. I don't know of anyone that successfully wished themselves to death.

Why do we look for ways to commit painless suicide? Because we don't want it to hurt. We've had enough pain.

Like I said, I've done a lot of research on ways to commit suicide. I'll give you a quick rundown:
  • Guns - Very messy. And there are plenty of people who do not execute a successful kill shot. Then they have to lay around in agony, possibly bleed to death or wind up a vegetable or with some permanent nerve injury. If they are successful, their family has to come and identify the body and see that horrible exit wound.
  • Pills - It's hard to get the right lethal pills. Taking mass quantities of anything can kill you, but most failed suicides are from taking pills. I had a friend that stockpiled medication for months and took 200 pills in one night. She got up to get a drink of water, passed out, gashed her head open and was discovered by a friend who had a funny hunch about her. She's still alive, living in Florida. Plus, the human body has a survival mechanism that will try to reject anything that is bad. Most people who try pills don't die because they vomit so much, the pills never work their way into their system.
  • Slashing - Painful and slow. Doesn't always work either. I met a woman when I was in the psychiatric hospital who had cut the entire length of the inside of her forearm. She wound up with a huge scar. That was her third attempt to kill herself. She decided to give up and get on with her life. 
  • Carbon Monoxide - With today's catalytic converters, this is really hard to do. If it doesn't work, you wind up with burning lungs and inflamed eyes. It may take a while for your system to get the toxins out, but you won't be dead. 
  • Natural Gas - This is a bad idea. A thermostat, cell phone or TV remote could ignite the gas and cause a massive explosion. You won't die peacefully, you'll burn to death. Plus, you will cause extreme damage to your home or apartment and possibly injure or kill other people. 
  • Bleach - Very bad. I had a friend in the psyche hospital that tried that. It made her really sick, roasted her esophagus and screwed up her stomach.
  • Hanging - This can work if you can construct an execution style hanging, where the body drops several feet and breaks the neck. However, most people can't pull that off, so they die a very painful, slow death. It can take up to five minutes for you to hang yourself to death. 
  • Drowning - People who have nearly drowned talk about the panic of feeling your lungs fill with water and the excruciating chest pressure. 
  • Electrocution - Most people wind up with severe burns and nerve damage. It's not pleasant. 
  • Smothering - Same as hanging, but without the ligature marks around your neck. Hard to do. Most people panic and pull the bags off of their head. 
  • Jumping - Jumping out of a building creates a huge mess at the bottom. Jumping into a river is like hitting concrete, depending on how high the bridge is. If the impact doesn't kill you, then you have to face the drowning horror. 
  • Huffing - Breathing toxic chemicals may knock you out, but you'll wake up. I used to work in a chemical plant and I stood over a 5,000 gallon tank of Toulene for hours without a mask. I was real high, but I didn't die. A little bottle from the hardware store won't do much but burn your nostrils and lungs. 
  • Decapitation - I'm not going to explain how you do this, but if it doesn't work, you'll be a mess the rest of your life. 
  • Jumping in front of something - People survive incredible car crashes all the time. You might die, but you might just get maimed or lose a limb. Add brain injury to that and it's not fun. 
There are other ways to commit suicide, but they are really painful and gruesome. Killing yourself without pain is possible. However, I started by saying there is no such thing as painless suicide. Whether you believe it or not, someone loves you. That's the good news I was talking about. If you die, be it by suicide, accidental death, disease or natural causes, there will be people at your funeral. And if you die by suicide, all of them will ask, "Why?" - "What could we have done?"

Another thing said at suicide funerals, "We had no idea." People who commit suicide are good at hiding their feelings. You may be doing it right now. You've probably been withdrawing from people. You're spending a lot of time alone. You don't go out anymore. You spend hours and hours in your house or your room. You don't want to be around people. You're fixated on the pain in your life. You don't want to die. You want the pain to stop. So, death starts to seem like the only option. I've been there - more than once.

Let me tell you what happened to me. In 1996, I went to Las Vegas as a comedian. I used to perform on The Strip. I had my name up in lights. Then, I got out of that business, married, had a child and had a great advertising business in Las Vegas. By 2004, our family net worth was at or near $1 Million. Today, I have nothing. Nothing. All the money went away, my wife left, my house was foreclosed, I had a nervous breakdown in 2006 and was diagnosed as being bi-polar and having ADD/ADHD. At one point, a former counselor said to me, "Most people I know that have had what happened to you killed themselves." Gee, thanks.

It got worse. In late 2009, I was working a crappy job while the foreclosure was in process. I had the IRS after me. And I had no money. I had to sell everything to keep the lights on. Then, I developed a severe case of anxiety and couldn't talk, walk or function. I had to be shipped by my family from fabulous Las Vegas to a vacant house in Cleveland, Ohio owned by a friend who is a hoarder. I live in a La-Z-Boy chair in the middle of a mess. I eat in the chair, I sleep in the chair, I watch the 7 channels on my TV in that chair.

In 2010, I was at an appointment with a psychiatrist and he asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. I said, "Yes, all the time." He asked me the magic question, "Do you have a plan?" Being a former comic, I said, "It would be stupid to think about suicide and not have a plan." Whip... out comes a Pink Slip. In every state, if you have suicidal thoughts and you say you have a plan, they have to force you to go to a psychiatric facility for a minimum of 72 hours. It will be longer than 72 hours, I can guarantee you that.

You can think about suicide all you want, but if you have a plan, you get sent away. And if you refuse, the police come and take you away.

I went to one doctor, a general practitioner, and told him I needed help with depression. He told me to go to an emergency room and tell them I wanted to kill myself and I'd get help that way. What an idiot.

Most of the people in the psyche hospital were there for failed suicide or suicidal thoughts. A few were just nuts and one or two were violent offenders. At the psyche hospital, they'll set you up on medications, feed you three times a day, give you snacks, and have you talk to therapists and social workers. For some people, it's a start in a new direction.

I was in there for three weeks. I really didn't want to kill myself before I went in, but I sure did when I got out. I thought, "How low can I go?" For five months, I sat in my chair. Then, one day, I started writing on my laptop. I love to write. On March 7th, 2011, I started working on this blog, which had been idle for five months. This blog and Recovery International have turned my life around. Plus, I realized that someone does love me - my 10 year-old daughter in Las Vegas. And my sister. And Jim and Sal and Pete and Kay and Karina and a bunch of other people that I couldn't see in the darkness.

Right now, you're sitting in darkness. I learned that if you are going to get to the light, your first steps will still be in darkness. Things don't change overnight. But the first thing you need to do is to stop focusing on you and your problems. If you were here, I'd take you to the deli at Dave's Supermarket and buy you a sandwich with my food stamp card. I have nothing. Nothing but this computer - and people that love me. You have both of those things too - a computer and people who love you. You just can't see it now.

Through all of my years, I've learned that our purpose in life is to serve others. Service can be done by a profession - doctor, lawyer, engineer, nurse, real estate agent, entertainer - or you can just go out and help someone. Volunteer. Give an old lady a ride. Read a story to a child. Help clean your grandmother's home. Pick up trash.

You need to get your eyeballs off of painless suicide, the warped mirror, the pain and turn your gaze to others. I know what it feels like to be isolated and alone. My favorite B.B. King song line was, "Nobody loves me but my mother, and she may be jivin' too." Then my mother died - nobody loved me. But I was wrong. And I'm telling you, you're wrong.

If you lost all of your friends, you can make new ones. If you lost all of your money, you can make more. If you were outed and you weren't emotionally ready for it, now you can start living your life, honestly. Embrace it. If you hurt someone, they can forgive you - or maybe you just have to accept it and move on. If you lost your home, you can adjust to less. I live in a chair, and I'm at peace with that. I spend all of my time out, away from the chair at coffee shops and restaurants with FREE WiFi. I'm at Denny's right now. They're open 24 hours. And the staff loves me. I made new friends. I'm practically a legend at Dunkin' Donuts.

In the beginning of my recovery, I couldn't live one day at a time. I had to work on just getting through the next hour. I'm doing so much better. However, Friday, I got hit with some really bad news. I'm down. I'm in a lot of pain. But I'm not thinking about suicide. I decided to come to my blog and write something that may help someone, that may save a life - namely, YOURS.

If I haven't cooled your jets on checking out, do one of the following immediately:

  • Call 9-1-1
  • Visit the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 
  • Don't Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) in, February 2012 I had a personal crisis and it was not life threatening, but I called the hotline, just to see what would happen. They put me on hold and then the lady who answered the phone hung up on me for using foul language. (Not what you would expect from a "prevention" line.)

If you call 9-1-1 you may be sent to a psychiatric facility for observation for three days. Good chance to chill out and figure out if...

Someone loves you.

If you kill yourself, your pain will only transfer to others. There is no painless suicide.

Your goal, right now, is to try to find ways to ease the pain, get off the path down the dark tunnel, leave your room, get out of your house, open a door for yourself and then open a door for someone you don't know, turn your eyes to the world - it's a beautiful place.

And you know what else... You have something that is unique and different that no one else has. Everyone has it - a special something - skill, talent, idea - that sets them apart from everyone else. You have that. You just can't see it. No two people are alike. There is something you truly love that you should be pursuing. It could be music, sports, math, reading, art, whatever. I love to write. It has saved me. Look deep inside of yourself and write down what you truly love. And make of list of people that would show up at your funeral. They love you.

In closing... I always loved the blues. People say, "But the blues are so damn depressing." Actually, if you understand the blues, the songs talk about a lot of pain, but at the end of every song there is always hope... always hope. And there is no such thing as painless suicide. You've read the complete guide to suicide - it's not pretty. But someone loves you and that is worth a tomorrow.

See you tomorrow... and the next day.

Peace

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348 comments:

  1. Wow. Written with honesty and humor and ... your comments comforted and maybe even saved a friend of mine last night. Thank you and God bless you.

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    1. Can't find the 'post comment' link so sorry 'Anonymous' but I'm replying on here...

      Thankyou so much for this article, I type 'painless suicide' on Google and this was the first link. I realise that there's no painless death. I have thought about killing myself on and off for ten years or so. It's not something I'm proud of. Your website has made me bawl my eyes out. There is no painless death. As shit as things get, it could be worse, you could be dead, right?x

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    2. This article is kind of stupid. You describe suicide as being messy but never really prove your point about being painless. Jumping from a building, a shotgun to the face are described as messy and a hassle but you fail miserably to prove a point.

      The body's anatomy is not all that difficult and a physically painless suicide is possible. Also, for people who are really serious about suicide the potential pain of suicide simply isn't a factor because it can't compare to the pain of life. 5 minutes of suffocating or drowning sounds great to someone who has been stuck in misery for decades. I should know.

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    3. My life is perfect. I am loved. My parents are the kind, caring type that support me and my every decision. I am smart enough to enrolled in on of the best university in my country. I am beautiful, or so people said to me repeatedly. I live a financially middle class life. I have never had terrible grief nor encounter unbearable tragedy.

      My life is blessing after blessing. If I am to be the judge, I'll sccore my luck as 8/10. I am surrounded by good people, or as far as I know, never been gravely hurt by anyone evil. I have everything that every girl need to be happy.

      Then, if everything in my life are so perfect, then it must be me that's flawed. I am broken, damaged.

      I think I am not capable of happiness. Sure, I could smile and some comedy could make me laugh. But I am always in the raining part of the earth, the dark side of the day. When there's sun and light, there's rain and darkness, and thats where I can be found. The pain do not hurt me intensely once or twice, but a living constant force, drowning me.

      Some people need grief to think of suicide. Some people faced terrible tragedy or loss that rang the call of death to a deafening level. For me, the calling of life simply never loud enough. Always, the melody of death is what I hear all the time.

      I know that some people who commit suicide or attempted it mostly have lived with the tought of suicide for a long time, and the thoughts mostly driven by pain. I have also lived with it for years now, but the pain keep getting worse and worse and it consume me. Soon, I dont think there'll be anything left of me.

      I dont remember the first time I am called, but I think I was around 11-12 years old when I first think of suicide. It was a weak call, always was an absurd forbidden sinful thought to have for the innocent young me. But the pain was there already. A small seed that has been growing all this year, into this giant grotesqueness that was me.

      I am 21 now. I never went as far as seriously answering the death call, because I know I am smart enough to do it correcctly if I mean it. Suicide is still the ugly sin to be thought of, and will always be that to me. But the ringing of death's calling is getting more and more intense that I am tempted to cross the boundary.

      My anchor was my family. Theyre the reason I see suicide as something disgusting in the first place. Now, when my pain have beaten my digust, their love is the chain that tied me from breaking loose. Because I know, if I do such shameful act, theyre the ones wholl cry instead of me.

      But the pain is growing. It is now not only hurting me, but also the people who love me most. I am a wreck, a ruin of a human. I think I have died years ago, and now living a shell life. I am a walking dead, no longer living but still walking and spreading havoc, hurting the living ones.

      Mom, dad, if only i have died years ago, when i was young and still only a little child of few memories, would it be better? I think, maybe, by now you would have forgotten me. Youll live a life with only one surviving child, the one that will not disappoint you. Then, i woldnt have hurt you like this. I wouldnt stab you with disappointment. I wouldnt be an empty hope.

      The pain is growing. It pulls me with the deafeing vortex of death's bell. Please dont let it pull my loved ones along. Death is a sad thing, but I think for me, someone who only sees life as something repulsive, I am better dead than living a life that hurt everybody around me.

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    4. i was so low i typed in painless suicide and i got you. thank god i did, sobbing my heart out. suffered from depression for years and this the most honest thing i read. thankyou, cant promise be the happiest person in the world but made me stop and think and probably saved my life x

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    5. Typo: She got up to get a drink of water, passed up,

      I like the blues too. I respectfully disagree about hanging. Having witnessed a loved one hanging, I think it's the way to go.

      People always seem to hang themselves in privacy.

      For me, personally. I'm going to shimmy up a metal light pole in the middle of a busy intersection at 7AM. Walk across the top bar between the lights. Tie a rope to the pole. Stand up. Put my arms out, and lean forward.

      People set themselves on fire to make a point.

      If I was going to the rat race at 8AM and saw someone hanging from the red light.

      I might think about that for a while.

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    6. You saved my life, thank you

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    7. Yes, thank you Roger. This article is what I needed to read tonight, even if I didn't realize it at first. I hope you are well.

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    8. Hi, ...I have gone through to major life altering sudden changes in 13 days. Career loss, having to put my best friend, 16 yr old Arthur, my dog, to sleep in my home. That was Tuesday the day I gout out of the mental health unit. Im on meds that seem to help subside the suicide thoughts, but today, they are in like an intrusive salesperson. I see my Psych today, idk anymore, truly. I was almost successful in December but sister called olice cuz she couldnt reach me - a close friend had accidentally overdosed Dec 19...so, just weary, overwhelmed, in physical and emotional pain more than ever...Im recovering from a critical car wreck too damnit....gggrrr....I thank you for letting me vent...Juleigh.

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    9. Same as above, anonymous. There is no help that I would accept. No one to talk to who can understand. I've tried that. I'm tired of working, I'm tired of getting up in the morning. I know that people love love me, that's not the problem. I am simply too tired to fight anymore. I have had to battle everyone my entire life for every little scrap and I have no successes to show for it. After 44 years, I'm in a failed marriage, I've become impotent and can't talk to anyone about it, I am a dom unable to live the way I need...I have had nothing but failure from job to job...some 175 jobs in 25 years, no savings, no retirement, unable to afford my bills, can't pay for gas to work (have to carpool) severe sleep apnea (CPAP doesn't work), I was the poster boy for "just give it one more day" having lost someone close to me. But I really have no will to try anymore. Not for me, not for my kids, not for anyone. I just want to go away, disappear....just be gone.

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    10. Dead is what i need to be, not this.....all i wanted to know is how to accomplish this, without gore. For some people, this world is never going to be right........ that is me. Period.

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    11. i have no freedom in my house i hate my bf

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    12. I started to attempt suicide a few years ago by eating 140 aspirin pills but I had second thoughts (my original plan was to eat the full bottle of 300 aspirin and 500 acetaminophen pills)but I looked at my dog and realized I was the only person who he really loved and would take care of him. I tried to puke up the aspirin, but it didn't work (small amounts of black slime came up when I vomited) and it was far from a painless experience.

      I have many close friends and am also very close with my family, so I am glad you wrote this blog. I consider myself to be a talented musician and have various other hobbies (I've really got into Disc Golf lately) so it seems you've really made me realize that I have many reasons to live.

      Sorry about the grammatical errors (because you're a writer) but I'm drunk because I often try to self-medicate my depression with alcohol (which only exacerbates the problem).

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  2. Our 36 year old only son committed suicide on June 23. I am trying hard to understand. Thank you for writing this. I do hope you are okay now.

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  3. @Anon - saving lives was the point of the article.

    I wrote a humorous piece on suicide and noticed that I had searches come to my blog on how to commit suicide with phenobarbital. I wrote a similar prevention post - Guide to Committing Suicide with Phenobarbital. Around holidays, that post gets a lot of traffic. People get desperate. I just want someone to live another day.

    @maxilynt - sorry for your loss. The person that dies gets so lost then never think about the people who live.

    If you have anyone in crisis, get this article to them. I can make a difference. Maybe save a life.

    Roger

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    1. I'm just tired ofbeing sick all the time tired of the pain just wish God would take me

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    2. God bless you and your courage and honesty. I feel better.

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    3. Thank you, you saved a life today.

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  4. As i read your BLOG a lot of that is so familiar. I attempted suicide Oct 30th 2010. After I left the hospital I immediately went into a group home for mental illness. I had lots of pain in the last 5 yrs. Two of the most devestating were the lost of my partner of 12 yrs to a flesh eating bacteria and a car accident I was in that killed a 17yr old. Both has basically mentally paralized. Im finally starting to live again. I had been to therapist after therapist after therapist. Sometimes you need help getting up. Sometimes you have to find that person that is willing to you out their hand to guide you up. Your BLOG made me laugh at times. Especailly after some of the people you meet in the hospital. You look at them and see how different you are then them, and thankfl that you arent THAT bad. There is help out there. Sometimes you just have to hit rock bottomw before someone is there is help you up

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  5. A lot of people can't comprehend the journey someone takes to the edge. The ones that survive have that critical moment and realize that suicide is not the best way out. Action is.

    I've helped save several lives with this post and it's only been up a week or so. I told my story with honesty. The truth shall set you free OR get you a really long prison sentence.

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    1. Thank you. You are truly very wise, I have been very foolish. I am ashamed for even looking up how to commit suicide. I love to write too, that is how I release most of my feelings. I don't know who loves me, but you make me believe that someone does.

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  6. Roger this is a phenomenal post. WOW. I truly believe people come into my life for a reason, season or lifetime! In this moment you have come into mine for a very important reason!

    October 31, 2004 I made three attempts on my life while I was in the psychiatric hospital (which, like you was a three week stay)

    I am so grateful that I chose life and loved through the pain. Now, today when I slip into a depression I have the tools, resources, support and hope to get through. And always say to myself "This too shall pass."

    Thank you for your bravery, honesty and bringing an acceptable level of humor to such a serious issue!

    With great respect and gratitude
    Lee

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  7. Hi Roger,

    I stumbled on your blog as I looked for painless ways to commit suicide. I attempted suicide today by taking a smorgasbord of whatever I could find in the medicine cabinet, pretty much in front of my man. He heard me gag and he ran into the kitchen and shoved his fingers down my throat and made me vomit everything up.
    The past few years have been hell. I have a son with a volatile alcoholic ex. The man I am currently with, we had been living together happily for a year, when he then began hitting the booze and became an alcoholic himself. For the safety of my son, I kicked him out. At the time I had started a career that was able to support myself and my son more than graciously. Once I moved into a new home with my boy, my supervisors decided to drop a bomb on me and tell me they felt I wasn't qualified enough to stay in the company. This is the fourth job I have lost in a year.
    I feel as though I am useless, and never good enough to do anything, no matter how much devotion or motivation I put into anything. My best is never good enough. I am now on the last couple hundred dollars and have no clue what the fuck I am going to do to. I feel like I am a failure to myself, to my son, my family, and even the man I loved is pretty much lost to the bottle. I fucking hate life. Within the last couple months I have lost my home, my career, my relationship, and my dignity. I'm not so sure what the fuck to do anymore.

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  8. Anon,

    Something good happened, you lived. Think of your son. My daughter is what keeps me alive. She's 11, but she lives 2,300 miles from me and my X is trying to take all of my rights away. I have no money to fight.

    I have been unemployed for a long time, but I just got an opportunity. I don't know if it will pay off.

    Life can really suck, but checking out is not the answer. As bad as things are for me - broke, living on food stamps, separated from my daughter and about to lose any say in her, I still want to live another day. I want to see what happens. I want to try something and see it pan out. I want to plant a seed and be around to see it grow.

    I wrote this post for you. Don't do it. Find that seed that you want to be around to see grow. You have your son.

    We can endure more than we think we can. It takes courage to press on. Find that courage. It's worth it.

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  9. My pain is physical, I have had ten surgerys, my migraines are so bad I can't leave the house. The ten surgerys have left me with chronic pain. It gets worse everyday. Docs wont help because I am too young for pain meds. The er does nothing. What do I do? Book lover.

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  10. Book Lover... It's hard for me to tell you what to do. I've had severe migraines in the past. Paralyzing. Couldn't do anything but scream in pain. Then, one day, they went away.

    I have chronic pain, too. Oddly, the worst pain is in my hands. Doing this blog is painful for me. But I love it.

    I don't understand why you can't get pain medication.

    Since you can't... and you're a book lover... start making pain management a regular on your reading list. There may be things you can do with relaxation, aquatics, heat/cold treatments.

    You have to have faith there will be a better day. I know my own situation seems hopeless, but I press on. Tomorrow? I wonder why? But I go on.

    Hook up with a friend or email me at getinmyear@gmail.com

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  11. Thank you so much! From the bottom of my broken heart thank you!

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  12. Thank you. Thank you for writing this. As I am writing this comment I noticed that the previous comment is exactly identical. Your post has touched so many.

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  13. I also love my aughetr but this pain never seems to end, i am tired of running for money. I want to die peacefully, i think i have saved enough for my small family.
    I heard that Hooking up a helium tank to a mask that you wear. Lay down and breath normally. You fall asleep and never wake up. Utterly painless.
    but i am not able to find the helium tank in doha neither this type of mask.

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    1. You can get a gas mask at any military surplus store, my brother used to smoke weed this way before he ended up killing himself with an overdose. As for the helium, I can't help you with that part but it don't soumd likit woulwork to me.

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  14. Can't tell if I'm suicidal, feeling sorry for myself, or just crying out for attention.
    Either way, I'm glad I found this blog, because while I'm just now browsing through it,I am laughing through the tears. I can't believe anyone else has had the same exact feelings.
    And if I were there I'd take you up on that sandwich offer.

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  15. Anonymous with the helium. Yeah, I read about that too. The problem is you need to get enough helium to do it, and the average person cannot buy a tank of helium. And they're heavy.

    If you do kill yourself with helium, you'll go into the afterlife sounding like an elf, and that is NO WAY to spend eternity.

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  16. Anonymous - Who can't tell if you're suicidal. Yes, we do get into those downward spirals where all seems lost and we want to get out. Sometimes it is just a pity party.

    If you're not dead, then subscribe to this blog and keep coming back. This isn't the last time suicide will be addressed here. And there are so many other issues I deal with here. You'll have a reason to live, just by hanging around here.

    Glad you made it one more day.

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  17. Why is it that every time someone tells me things will get better, I just want to punch them in the face? Could it be that it's been drilled into my head for over 30 years and despite my efforts to believe it and "take action", I'm still spiraling downward? Every single day I feel I have less and less control of my life, my future, and my overall happiness. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I even have the capacity to feel joy. And if I did, would I recognize it? It's been so long...

    James

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    1. James,

      I literally feel the exact same way. When I read your words, I heard my inner voice saying that over the last twenty plus years. I don't have a life, I have an existence...and a lonely, miserable one at that.

      Susan

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    2. James,

      Your words express exactly how I feel too. i know I have a few people that care about me too and they tell me that things will get better...but it doesn't. I just feel like a drone, empty, going through day after day, numb to everything. There is no joy in anything for me, anymore. When will it end?

      Kristian

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    3. I haven't been happy in a really long time. People keep disappointing me and I feel so alone. My husband is verbally abusive and he has taken my self esteem to zero. I never know if he is gong to snap and kill me. I have tried to leave and he threatens me and tell me I am worthless and nobody would ever want me. I have to escape or I am going to die inside!

      Delete
    4. Anon,

      I know what it is like to live with an emotionally and verbally abusive spouse. It is utter torture and you eel like you can't explain your pain to anyone. I too have felt suicidal and wanted to end it all. Wht kept me here is the knowledge that my husband did not create me, and he can't destroy me. Period. I was a wonerful person before he came along, and I am still here, underneath all of the pain and shame he has piled on me. You must escape this place of misery, but if you can't do it physically (yet) find a place of peace in your mind. Read more, go to a diner and chat with the waiter/waitress, bring a book an get a god cup of coffee...randomly visit a friend. These activities will give you enough strength to get through the next day...and the next. You will see that there is indeed life outside of your husband and his evil ways. If you want to talk further, reply to the post. I will prvde my email address.

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    5. Thank you Susan for using one of my old sayings. I have said for years and years "a life spent alone is not a life but an existance" and I have been alone too many years thyat I care to really count. I say it's been 13 but has really been much longer. Olivia Newton-John's song Don't Stop Believein used to help me bit not so much anymore, last year my ex-wife was dieing of breast cancer so I tryed to contact her so I could give my biggest wish to her. To even just talk to Olivia for even just a few min but I never got a reply at all. She passed on aug 12th 2011.

      Delete
  18. James, I know exactly how you feel. I've had a really rough road. But I find some motivation to plod along.

    I stopped praying and just focus on work. I feel dead inside, but I know I'm working toward making things better. Results?

    Do you feel numb?

    I told my psychologist today ,"You can kick me in the balls from sunrise to sunset and at the end of the day, I'll say - What else you got?"

    On the good side, no one can hurt me. I've lost everything. Lost all my money. Lost my home. Last week I lost custody of my daughter... and got slammed with a pile of bills from the court I can't afford to pay. But, I still have a computer that works and people who are desperate. The blog gave me a purpose - to help others. That's my mantra - get it off YOU and look at someone else, help them.

    I know how bad it sucks. I know how fucking furious you can be with a situation that never seems to end. There aren't enough people or gods to yell at when it gets really bad. But, I press on.

    Someone cares about me. And someone cares about you. Know that. There are guys on death row, and someone cares about them.

    Help someone. Comment on a post that someone else left and tell them your story. You can do it anonymously here. I'm the only one out in the open. It's safe.

    Good luck. Hope to see you again.

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  19. I have a mysterious neurological condition that Dr's, holistic practitioners, lay people, etc, can't figure out. It prevents me from sleeping. I am lucky to get 1 to 2 hours a night. That is if I am lucky. I know all about depression, but if you can't sleep, you can't do anything. I am already dead. I don't give a shit about the externals: no job, car, been homeless, food stamps, etc. I would cut off my dick if it would help me sleep. I have had countless jobs and relationships fail because of this. I have tried everything imaginable. It's only getting worse. I used to survive on will power alone but as I get older that isn't possible anymore. The only reason I haven't put myself out of my misery are other peoples' feelings and how my suicide would affect them. If you had a dog or cat that no veterinarian could help and they were suffering like me, you would put them to sleep. I have seen most of the world and done some pretty amazing shit. I have been reduced to pretty much a miserable state of pain and exhaustion. This condition is fucking torment. I can barely read anymore because of severe exhaustion. People say suicide is selfish. I think for things like major depression it is very selfish. But what about for a condition like mine? Sleep is as important as water and food. Just writing this post is excruciatingly exhausting. I want and need sleep but my body won't allow it.

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  20. This is the guy with the sleep problem again. I forgot to add that I have no insurance or $$. As I said in my previous post, the one and only reason I haven't gone through with suicide is how it will affect the people around me. This has been going on for 6 plus years. I am thinking about checking into the loony bin because perhaps the people there may see this problem and maybe I might get some real medical help. I doubt it. Knowing our fucked up, greed driven health care system in the cuntry (the letter O left out on purpose) they will prob just pump me full of psych meds, send me on my merry way, then send me a bill for tens of thousands. The shitty thing is that when I used to be able to sleep I wasn't a depressed person. What the fuck should I do? Btw, I am glad you got your second wind for your will to live. It seems like people don't want you to commit suicide b/c of how it will make THEM feel!

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  21. All I want is a simple guide to lethal household chemicals with which to quickly end my life. Searching on google yielded this site. Thanks for the saccharine "life is wonderful" garbage.

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  22. Yeah... Life is Wonderful... I don't believe it every day, either. Some days I'm ready to end it all. But I never will. I'd rather just burn out, like a candle.

    Sorry, I don't advise people how to kill themselves. I try to stop them and I'm glad you found this on Google, that was the whole idea.

    If you have more to say while you're still alive, come back.

    Everyone has a purpose. You haven't found yours or just can't see it behind the pain and anger.

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  23. Sleep Disorder Guy...

    My first question is don't you get so exhausted you just pass out? That is what I do. I have ADD and it is no uncommon for me to be awake for 24 to 50 hours, then I sit down for 10 minutes and pass out in the chair. (I haven't sleep in a bed in almost a year.)

    My "Insomnia" was mainly due to an overactive mind. I wrote about a relaxation technique to help you sleep that my psychologist gave me. It worked a bit for me, but with ADD, I couldn't stay focused on the happy place... I'd start thinking about projects and would just have to get up and go somewhere, where I could get FREE WiFi and work on something.

    Going to the looney bin is actually not a bad idea. And it's FREE, except for the ambulance ride, if you go from a doctor's office.

    I don't know where you live, but if you go in to any emergency room and tell them that you want to kill yourself, they will have you sent to a psychiatric facility for 72 hours of observation.

    The 72 hour part is bullshit. The state hospitals don't get paid unless they have bodies in beds. So, they'll figure out how to keep you there for at least a week or so.

    You'll be provided with a psychiatrist, a social worker, FREE MEDS, activities, clean linen, three meals, snacks, TV, and other people who are a lot more fucked up than you.

    I know a woman who tried to drink bleach and she was just terrified of the outside world and was chronically depressed, she was there for months, with no sign of leaving.

    But to get free state care, go to the emergency room and tell them that you want to kill yourself and, this is key, tell them YOU HAVE A PLAN... and don't tell them what it is.

    I wound up in the psyche hospital because my Dr. asked, "Do you have suicidal thoughts?" You can have those all the time, but say you have a plan and ZIP... you're off to "Lost Marble City" - It might do you good to go.

    I was in 3 weeks before they released me.

    The only bill I got was for the ambulance that shipped me from my psychiatrist's office to the general hospital. From their, they had a group called "Mobile Crisis" come in and evaluate me, then I was shipped to the psyche facility.

    If you live in a crappy area, have someone drive you to a major metro area and go into a large hospital. Tell them you walked there from wherever you lived. The more insane you sound, the better chance you have of getting sent for free care.

    They'll keep you there until you sleep. And you won't have to worry about bills at home. You'll be fed and you'll meet a lot of interesting people worth writing about.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for this, I think you just saved my life. I am doubtful that I would be missed, in fact, I was just thinking that I could be gone for months before any-one realized that I was gone. Sad, but probably my own fault. Thanks again, I shall reconsider my options, Jessie

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  24. I found this story while Googling around because I had a vague memory of an assisted suicide group (probably EXIT) that had a list of easy to find chemicals to aid in suicide, instead I found sites like this, full of feel-good lies meant to distract people from the bleakness and utter futility of life.

    But I don't need to search for suicide methods any more. I think I'm just going to opt for a shotgun. Maybe blow my head off in the break room of my dead end job, at least I can leave my asshole co-workers something to clean up when I've left.

    Also, I'd highly advise everyone against going to a "psychiatric hospital." They're nothing but a waste of time.

    I had the misfortune of wasting a month of my life and a sizable sum of health insurance in one of those places after my first attempt. I really fail to see how being held against my will in some piss-stinking beige hell with a bunch of junkies and retards with nothing to do for the whole time other than "group therapy," which amounts to an hour of "how does that make you feel" with a bunch of mental defectives. Also, I would feed the "food" they served to a stray dog and they wouldn't even let me have a book to read other than the bible. It's all just a big scam to give false hope to sick people while milking them for all they're worth.

    The only reason I managed to get out of that shithole was because I lied through my teeth to convince the mail-order-diploma holding quacks that propped the place up that I was all better.

    The only reason you should be in a nut house is if you want to be even more depressed and waste some money along the way.

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  25. I can agree, the psyche hospital isn't the best place. However, the food was passable and there wasn't much to do, except watch the really crazy people. However, for some, it is the only thing that can help them.

    It's too bad that you have so much pent up anger. I can feel it in your comment. I've been there. I'm still extremely cynical. But, I feel I serve someone with this blog and the other writing I do. That is the only hope for me.

    I'm sorry that you view this post as a "feel-good" bullshit site. I'm not fabricating anything, I just realized what the truth was with regard to suicide.

    I look it this way... wherever we go once we leave here, you're there forever. The time we have here is extremely short in comparison.

    There was a time where I practiced my suicide plan, daily. But, now I want one more chance to play in the game. One more swing of the bat. Who knows what will happen if I ever get that chance. For now, I fight through daily pain and do what I can to ignore it.

    I hope you spend some serious time thinking about this and what it will do to others. That's where I halted my personal death march.

    Yes, I've been through extreme bitterness with the world and the place I've wound up in. Couldn't yell FUCK YOU loud enough.

    Someone does care. Find them.

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    1. I have chronic pancreatitis. It did not come from alcohol abuse or smoking as I have never done either. It will kill me in a slow and miserable way. In the meantime, I and my health insurer will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to prolong my miserable, painful existence. As far as the feel-good bullshit is concerned, I agree with Anonymous of 11-28-2011. I was searching for a painless suicide method and ended up here. If I am ever put in a stinking shit hole mental facility, someone, other than me, is going to get hurt. Psychiatric treatment is horse shit. If they truly want to help me, they can hook me up to a tank of CO. I don’t have the balls to off myself just yet but as the pain increases, my balls get bigger. I agree that someone loves me and will miss me but I can’t stand the pain and will soon lose everything but the pain. As the disease progresses, I will become unable to work which will cause me to lose everything such as my paycheck, medical insurance and prescription plan, house, car, etc… Living in a shelter in severe pain is a shitty way to live. Death has to be better than that. As far as God is concerned, if there really is such a being, why would he make me suffer like this if he is such an all-forgiving, loving being? Does he hate me for some reason? I have come to the conclusion that the church is a building filled with bullshit. I was raised Catholic. All of the time I wasted in church and Catholic school will never come back. Life sucks really bad. Death couldn’t possibly be worse…

      Thanks for listening…

      Delete
  26. Thank you so much... I need to read stuff like this. If I could, I would like to talk with you at Dunkins over some of this... Thanks.
    James

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  27. Hi there,

    I found this blog after a search for painless suicide. Truth is, I've had a plan for nearly 10 years. I lost my teenage son to an undiagnosed medical condition in early 2002. I was in a 2 1/2 year new marriage at the time. My then husband was not supportive, and added to my grief by pressuring me about having a child with him (as I buried my little boy). That marriage ended in divorce a couple of years later, after much torment. I have several surviving children. My eldest boy, his wife and daughter live here in an apartment. The financial crisis which began in 2005 has taken it's toll. I am in a housing related industry, and heavily invested in real estate. I spent quite a lot of energy over the past year or so settling out the majority of my debt, and was able to manage saving the equity in my (much too expensive) home. I'm working too much, my dead child's birthday was yesterday, my youngest son is very ... exhausting and demanding, though he does not live with me, he does show up often, and his energy is very stressful to me. I'm trying to get through one day at a time. I've never been in a phsych hospital. My medical insurance may have just lapsed....gotta check that tomorrow. I hate the way that antidepressants made me feel, when I took them previously. I feel like I've been hit by a truck...I physically feel like shit. I hit the wall on Friday, the day before my son's birthday...was working way too much, but doing okay, till then. I feel very ... traumatized ... and I am being sucked back into the well of despair, suicidal ideation, almost a constant pull to suicide, including intrusive thoughts. I need a little time off, and some air to breathe. I feel as if I am paralyzed, as I did very early in grief. I wrote the following a long time ago, the difference now, is that I do not see hope. Lightning struck, and shattered my world. Though the lightning appears to be receding in the distance, the damage left in its wake will not wane. Where is my house? Where is my safety? Where is my son? Where was God? Look closely. I am there. Deep down, stuck in a crevasse. I have no tools to get out of this place. The tools I had were destroyed by the storm. I have spent the last seven years attempting to claw my way out. My fingers are raw, bleeding. I am half way to the top. I can see a faint light in the distance, but I am weary.

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  28. Dear Exhausted...

    Join the club. I'm exhausted too. I wonder and wonder what will come next. But I try to really take it one day at a time. If things get bad, I go hour by hour, trying to find something that will occupy me and get my mind off of my reality.

    Anniversaries and holidays can be extra tough, especially when you're dealing with loss. My daughter is 2,300 miles away and I have no way to get to her. Holidays suck.

    But, you have a new child that needs you. Don't ever lose site of that.

    One of the things I've tried to do is just take some time for myself. It may only be an hour or two, but I do something I like to do, watch a show, read something, listen to music, just relax. Breath. Breath. Breath.

    When the bad thoughts come back, change locations. Go for a walk. Take a ride. Buy a coffee.

    With the way times are, we have to work at it.

    For an exhausted person, that doesn't sound like something you want to do.

    Check with your doctor about your meds, too. Some are more downer than helpful.

    You can do this. There is a light and you may be a bloody mess by the time you get there. But when you do, there will be no greater feeling in the world.

    Keep up the fight.

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    1. ok, im reading these posts and asking myself is my problem all that bad? the answer is yes. very very bad. i'm facing felony charges that will result (win lose or draw) in me losing my career, home, posessions, dignity, reputation, family, community..maybe even my freedom...everything ive worked my entire life for. gone. and the charges? well...lets just say its humiliating at best. so altho checking out may not be the answer, im sure as hell not over reacting thinking about it, thats for sure.
      sometimes it seems like the only way, i cant bear the thought of whats ahead. the shame, the loss, the embarrasment...i have 2 daughters,and 4 grandchildren. i used to have three but i lost my middle daughter to suicide 3 1/2 yrs ago. i know whats its like to lose someone that way. they way i see it tho is this. thier pain at my death will pass, my pain just gets worse and worse and never ends...wtf.

      Delete
  29. James... where are you? Dunkin has been hit or miss for me. Glad the article helped you.

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  30. My boyfriend comitted suicide...now I want to he was all I had left... Im a foster child nvr heard of my parents but I was strong and lived each day with determination to be above them I became vunerable when I met the love of my life... Love.. True love softened my hardend heart...now hes gone and im left feeling abondend once again in my life.

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  31. Stupid words, cant a mother fucker be that bad that suicide would be a good idea? For everybody? Clean funeral, move on. So sad.....then get used to it. At least they dont have to worry anymore.

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  32. Dear "Stupid words..." I'm not quite sure where you are headed. This life is short. The afterlife is a lot longer. Find the ways to work through whatever you have going. Wish you the best.

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  33. To the girl whose boyfriend committed suicide, that is so horrible. I can't imagine. But I know how the love thing goes. I thought I found my "soul mate" (I hate that term) We had the same birthday, yada-yada-yada. I moved to Las Vegas married her, had a daughter and she left me. Too much anger that she wouldn't let go. Then, I got sick, wound up in Cleveland, away from my daughter and I just lost custody of her because I couldn't defend myself - no money.

    When you love, you give so much. And it is unbelievably painful when it ends, especially the way yours did.

    There are other people that will love you. I'm assuming you're not in my age bracket. You have a lot of life and love ahead.

    I know when love turns sour, we all build walla around us. It is harder to love. But it is possible. Suicide is never the answer. Look how you feel. If he knew that pain, he'd never have committed suicide.

    See faith, seek new friendships, don't isolate yourself.

    I live a completely solitary life, however, I live connected to hundreds of people on the Internet. So, technically, I'm not alone.

    Find a way to connect, be it online, through a group, a club, a bowling league (yeah, I said bowling league - there are people there.)

    I wish you the best and come back any time. Connect on facebook or twitter... You don't have to say that you left this comment. Just say HI. That's how it starts.

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  34. Hey... where'd my freakin' Santa hat go. I just realized it was gone. Damn holidays.

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  35. Ross... where do you live?

    If you're near Cleveland, I'll be glad to meet you at Dunkin' some time.

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  36. Dear Roger -- In my research on finding ways to end my life, I found comfort and humor in your blog. In 2006, I knew that my husband of 20 years was having an affair, though he continuously denied it. In the midst of all that turmoil, I suddenly suffered a brain aneurysm. Since he was constantly telling me that I was crazy, when I woke up in the hospital tied down to the bed with tubes in just about every part of me, my first thought was that he had me committed. I was in a coma for 18 days and I thank God that my mom was there to explain to me what happened. When I was finally released from the hospital, my fears were confirmed that he was indeed having an affair. So not only did I have to try to recover from the aneurysm, I also had to go through a divorce at the same time. The aneurysm triggered severe depression and I've tried to commit suicide so many times I lost count. Because of that, I lost custody of my two sons, but not my daughter, who was of the age that she had a choice (and we've always been very close). I recently had to have a shunt put in to drain the water from my brain that was causing me to have seizures. I've been denied Social Security Disability and am trying to live on less than $1400/month alimony and I'm going to have to claim bankruptcy. I can't even shower every day because I can't afford the toiletries for such a luxury. I can't access my half of his pension until 2014 and I'm so despondent most of the time that I don't care if I live or die. With the holidays at hand, I have no money to buy gifts for my kids and it hurts like hell. I've had to pawn my wedding rings just to buy groceries. And what's worse is that I still love the SOB. But I'm still here, for another day. So thank you for your blog, Roger!

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  37. Kim,

    What an amazing story. But I'm so glad you made a choice to live.

    I understand what's it's like to be broke. My daughter lives in Las Vegas and I live in Cleveland. She's 11. A month ago, she called to try to sell me something for her school fundraiser. I didn't have a dime. I felt like crap. But what could I do?

    I understand the toiletries issue. I've found bizarre alternatives for toilet paper at times.

    You write well. Why don't you try blogging?

    Just a thought. It can create income over time.

    What do you love and what would you want to tell others about. That is how I started this blog. I have a number now.

    I'm lauching Global Blog School in January. It's a place to learn everything you need.

    Anyway, I'm so glad you're here for another day. That's how us survivors do it. A day. Then another. A day. Then, one more.

    Sometimes you just have to break it down by the hour. I've done that. "Survive until lunch." Food always gives me a reason to live. LOL.

    Be good. Come back often. Be entertained. Be informed and LIVE.

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  38. Hi Roger! Thank you for your reply! I'm very interested in your plans for the Global Blog School! Please keep us posted! I'm excited that my daughter will be coming home from Michigan State University tomorrow for Christmas! What a joy it's going to be to have her home for close to a month! :)

    Have a blessed day,

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  39. So glad to hear you're excited about your daughter coming home.

    You have a blessed day. I just have days... that never end.

    Be good. Be safe. Stay alive. The world needs you.

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  40. I've been living with chronic pain for eight years, had spine surgery three times, facet injections, etc, to no avail. I'll spare you the dreary details but I'm gonna be blunt here and say that despite the mild humor of your post, your puppies and kittens outlook on life is meaningless to people who are in agony every minute of every day. There are those of us who have Reached Our Limit and cannot find medical help for pain relief. Life is not always worth living and to call this page a "guide" to suicide is deceitful. P.S. People who are considering suicide DO think about those they'll leave behind, but some of us realize that we're not contributing to their happiness by sticking around. Quite the contrary. Happy holidays to you.

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  41. Holding comments for approval. It figures.

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  42. I'm assuming Anon was responsible for the last two entries. I've had burning pain - neuropathy - in my feet for 15 years. It hurts to walk. I love hiking. But there are times I've been frozen in a store and just can't take another step. About two months ago, I lost the use of three of my fingers - carpal tunnel, I'm guessing - they ache day and night.

    I've also been through migraines, with no help.

    Pain is misery. When you can't make it stop, it is awful.

    The people around you do not fully understand your pain. Even IF they do, they will miss you.

    My mother was a vegetable for 10 years due to Alzheimer's Disease. However, she served a purpose. I have no idea what, if any, pain she endured, but she served a purpose. It's hard to explain.

    And yes, the guide to suicide is a bit slick, but I did give lots of examples.

    My goal is to save lives. People who commit suicide live a life of lies. They hide. They don't share their thoughts. They hoard pills. If a mile bit of deceit saves their life, it's worth it.

    As far as comment moderation. This blog gets tons of traffic. I post almost all comments. The only ones that have not been posted are by spammers who are selling cable TV and other crap.

    You can cuss, swear, rant, bitch, tear me apart and it will get posted. Sell shit, forget it.

    I wish you the best in you quest for pain relief.

    I know what chronic pain is. I just block mine out as best I can and go on.

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  43. This is amazing! It's my birthday today but I'm so fed up with life and I've been so down lately I've been looking at startegies to make it end as quickly and painlessly as possible, which was whn I found you. Your blog put things into prespective and made me think about things from all angles. Reading other people's stories has really helped and comforted at a time when I saw no other way out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to you and to other people for sharing their stories. I feel more positive now than I have in a long time x

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  44. Hi Roger. Thank you for taking the time to share the challenges you have faced with us. My problem is chronic pain. It seems nothing I can do alleviates the pain. I just want to take something and go to sleep but I can't do that -- I have a wonderful wife and two sons who depend on me. Unfortunately, I am almost at the end of the road. Every step hurts and every breath hurts.

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  45. I googled painless suicide and got your blog. The irony is everything you wrote applied to me at the time I was reading it. Blinds are closed no light on..sitting watching hours of mindless TV..Well I have had a rough year..lost my son to a tragic accident 9/12/2010. In my desire to live and make him proud I opened a business in his honor and now I'm in the mist of losing it. It like having him die all over again, and I cannot endure the pain. The shame of letting so many people down is too much to bare. I know that people will not understand and probably blame themselves for not seeing the signs. I would like to write a letter and attempt to explain it to everyone.

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  46. I'm 15, I'm turning 16 in about two months. I know I have lots of friends that care about me and would be so devastated if I killed myself.

    I like to cut my self. Except I'm getting bad. I stoped so I wouldn't have cuts for Christmas. Otherwise I'm starting to do it deeper and deeper, more and more. It's not helpin me anymore. When my friends see y new cuts they just yell at me and make me feel even worse about myself sp I do it more.

    I've been trieng to tell my parents that I'm gay for the past two years. They're extremely homophobic and they are controlling my life. When I started coming out at school I got alot more friend....... I should say that's when I got all my friends. I feel like they only hang out with me because I am gay. And I hate thinking like that.

    I lie at school Bout they way I feel. I told the consoler at my school thAt I only felt like this for a week and I'm all better now. She found a not I drew that had things that said thing like " I wish I was dead." I was stupid enough to forget it was in my pocket and it fell out. I'm really good at acting like there is nothing wrong with me and I'm not said.

    I found this site searching for suicide ways. I read through all the comments and everything. It helped me, but I really don't know if I want to go on living life anymore. I thank you though for being so inspirational.

    Love,
    Luke

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  47. Hi, I'm a (good, conscientious) physician at a tip-top medical institution who had some personal trouble that had nothing to do with my profession or hurting anyone, but led to legal trouble and now I have very much professionally to lose, not to mention the $300,000 in student debt I may now not be able to even begin to pay back. Due to this I've recently felt hollow except when transiently full of regret, and wanted the pain to stop, though as was written in the blog not technically by suicide, but rather just being somehow asleep (or dead) in order to 'anesthetize' myself.

    I found I could distract myself from these demon regrets by engaging in other intellectual interests while simultaneously being fueled to do so by 'filling up' with something else (i.e. support). I got support when I started opening up to family and friends (I'm a bit of a loner and don't have many close friends at all so it wasn't easy). I recognize too that without opening up it's not just present family and friends who suffer along with us due to the miscommunication, but (and especially important for those of us lacking a stable present support structure) our FUTURE family and friends who haven't yet had the joy to meet us who 'suffer', and who without us opening up may never know the good attributes which would otherwise perennialize your life's value via their fond memories. Not to mention how great it can be to meet a nice stranger yourself.

    This blog posting is inspiring and on point. If anyone who read the blog is still suicidal (and reading my comment here), check out a man named Buckminster "Bucky" Fuller, who at age 32 made a last-second suicide-aversive decision to commit whatever talent and effort he had toward serving all humanity en masse, to document in a human lifetime experiment what one financially bankrupt person with dependent wife and one surviving daughter could do to help as many people live longer and better as possible. He did it mostly by engineering (reasoning that designing better housing and other forms of life-support would help the most people best), and made many other large impacts on the world once he began actively living exclusively for others (i.e. everyone). I found this blog, Bucky, and the drive to open up to others instrumental in beating my urge to 'sleep'. May they wake you up as well.
    :o)

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  48. Hi, I figured by the blog title this page would not really be about "how to", but decided to read it anyway. I am where a lot of people are: despondent, chronic pain (despite lots of meds), can't work, no car, house bound, NO income, denied Disability and waiting second time around, lost home, family, friends. I have two grown daughters who have basically been making sure I have food. My oldest lives in same town I do, but I can tell she is getting fed up with me. She will soon be moving out of the country to go to grad school. I'll be left with no one to help me. My other daughter lives about two houwaysway. They are the only reasons I am still here. I did the psych ward two years ago and it didn't help. With no medical coverage and no money I can't get a psychiatrist. I have an old boyfriend who's a counselor and have wanted to talk about my stuff, buy he is married with kids and yet he just wants to have sex. My family offered to help when I was laid off and then when I went to hospital they took my car (that I was paying for—and if I'd had it could have made enough to keep paying for it) and packed up all my stuff and put it outside. So far, everyone important in my life has betrayed me and I don't trust anyone. I don't want attention by killing myself or attempting to. I just want it to be over. I can't do the things I used to enjoy (I was very active in sports, bands and music and my artwork before I had a car crash). No I can only lay down and watch tv, hoping I don't get kicked out of the 6x8 room I have rented since August, but have been unable to pay rent since October. I am only a burden on my kids. Sometimes they aren't that nice to me. I do have a service dog who can at times keep me company, but he is dying and I don't think I can bear those final moments. I have told no one any plan details because it makes them uncomfortable, yet it is all I can think about. If I had a lot less pain, could sleep at night and had the money and good enough health to see parts of the world I have been dying to see (excuse the pun) I think I would be okay. Not being able to do the things I love makes living so meaningless. And yeah, I don't have a computer, it's broken. I'm only on here using an old iPhone that has no SIM card. So, no, I don't want to blog. I've tried it and I can't cope with the pressure.

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  49. What happens when you lose a feeling you knew well.
    I work on computer graphics and indie video games, and I used to write a lot of novels that will most likely never see the light of day.

    The point is that ever since a couple years ago I've lost literally all will to do those two things as life has been getting harder and harder to live.
    You say there is someone there who loves you, and that's true...I still have my mom, but all of my friends have left as all of our interests changed.

    My old best friend left my company for my ex(as a friend), and that killed any contact outside of my apartment. Actually, it's killed any thought of making friends. If someone you can go through life with will just leave you as if you are nothing...then what's the point? Especially since he always looked up to me before. How quickly people stop caring for people is beyond me.

    This is going to go all over the place, but my dad committed suicide on my 16th birthday. He carved my name in a tree stump before he did it, which I still have today. The only girl I've ever truly felt anything for was separated from me 12 years ago when we were still kids. By the time I was old enough to hunt her down I found out she overdosed on something.

    That wasn't even what tipped me over the edge though. The real problem is how much life overall has just worn on me. I still have a lot of life to live, but it's been a downward spiral ever since I hit the double digits in age.

    I actually wouldn't mind if it was a painless suicide or not; I'd just prefer not having to cut into my stomach with a kitchen knife and bleed out over the course of hours, maybe days. What I really want is a reason not to go through with it. I love helping others, and with all of my help of others I've always left myself on the sidelines and didn't really care about me.

    Before this gets too long, let me just say that for the time being while I still have some money leftover to survive; I plan on working out and becoming physically fit for the future, if there is any. I'm hoping this will help me feel less dead. I guess I'm done making fantasy stories, but the one thing I don't want to lose if I have to stay alive is my creative mind. If there is a God, I hope he lets me keep my creativity even if I can't use it in a way that shows the world.

    If you read this; I thank you. No one reads anything I write these days.

    - RS

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  50. my brothers best friend used to live with my family. a few weeks after my 18th birthday he started to sexualy abuse me. As time went on he stared to physicaly and mentaly abuse me as well. he was kicked out in when my mom found out. i pressed charges and got a OP. ever sence i've been thinking of suicide. i think it was fate that lead me to your web site. you are the tiny sliver of light in my darkness. so thank you. i see the light . your an angel!

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  51. I find it conveniant you just happened to have a friend with a vacant house for you to just use? I'm far worse off and one check away from being totally homeless and have zero friends... as a result zero free houses to stay in... in all the above you wrote I see NO reason, at least compared to me, for you to even BE suicidal. I could be wrong but I doubt it. You seem to even have internet and electric and maybe even a car which alone puts you above most of the world population. Appreciate at least all that shit! Though I never had a million dollars then lost it, I sure wouldn't be suicidal just cause of that. Or a wife leaving, that's called freedom. Amazing to me what some people will kill themselves over, get back to me when you have real problems. As for 'pain' caused by someone killing themselves... IE family in pain over it... if the family truly loved this person they would back them up, even in this FINAL of final decisions. "why did they do it?" CAUSE THEY WANTED TO "is there something I could have done?" since you are asking then I doubt you could have done shit... Suicide causes no pain, those that can't deal with it cause their own.

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  52. Roger,very nice blog, I like your serious humor. I also know what chronic pain is, & take Percocet to help block it. Over the years, pain has taken it's toll, to where I'm depressed & preoccupied with suicide. I have loving family & friends, & openly speak of my suicidal thoughts, even with my doctor, who will place me in hospice upon request. My family & friends understand, & aren't shy about supplying me with end of life liturgy. I'm not terminal, just in so much pain I'm tired of living. Rather than hospice, I entered your site seeking something painless to shoot into my picc-line. Unfortunately, I didn't find an answer, but I read your entire blog & it put a smile on my face instead of tears. Thanks for that bit of happiness.

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  53. Roger,
    If my plan fails and I end up in some psycho hospital will it cost money? I don't have any money so I will just make things worse. Can I refuse the hospital? I have researched and have a good exit plan. BTW, there are people with no one who loves them and would not know they left the earth.

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  54. I have a chronic disease that can not be cured. Chronic prostatitis, no bacteria has ever been found and antibiotics do not help. I have been told by countless urologists as well as my family doctor that nothing can be done for me and that I will just have to live my life out with the chronic prostatitis.

    I have severe low back pain, burning urination, erection difficulty, no feeling in ejaculation, testicle pain and severe anal pain. I can not even sit on a chair or a couch. The pain is so severe, it feels like someone is ripping my a$$h*le apart from the inside.

    Most of my days are spent crying from the huge amount of pain. I cried to my family doctor and told him I was in so much pain that I'm going to have to commit suicide to get out of it. Just like in the above article they tried to have me locked up for saying I want to commit suicide.

    I just want the pain to stop. And nothing will stop it. I have ran through doctors, urologists , physical therapists, every pain medication you can imagine and none of it helped at all.

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  55. I suffer chronic pain. I have severe prolapse that have been operated on so many times. My world is pain and foggy medications that only dull it a little. I agree with anon above. It is disingenuous to offer this page as a method then to say that it's not worth trying. I'm only 33 and have nothing but this for the rest of my life.

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  56. I was reading this because I'm afraid that I'm hitting rock bottom again-- and I was actually looking for a way of painless suicide. And I read the caption on the eye... And realized something.

    I don't want to die.
    I just want the pain to stop.

    And I continued reading. And when you said that you had begun to write this blog on March 7, 2011.

    That's the day I tried to kill myself.

    I sat here for about 10 minutes, staring at "March 7th 2011." In all honesty, it shocked me.

    I began to think that maybe... Just maybe... If I had waited just a few more days, that I wouldn't have gone through the worst day of my life. Yet, I wouldn't be better. I would have probably succeeded by another attempt later on.

    Long story short?
    I wouldn't be here.

    Thank you for posting this. I realize that it's not easy to share your story. But honestly...

    Thank you.

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  57. You know, thank you for this blog. I have been searching the internet and feeling sorry for myself for the past three months, ruining all of the relationships that I have. But reading your story and your focus on what you still have is helping me to say -- at least for today - forget it. Let me focus on what I can do now.

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  58. Thanks.. it helped...
    "Someone loves you. If you kill yourself, your pain will only transfer to others. There is no painless suicide."....

    will keep this in mind...

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  59. roger, goddamn i dont even know where to start.... well im a 21 y/o male. around the age of 9-10 i was told i have crohns desies... bassically its where i have a huge amount of pain and nausea everyday all day long.... nothing takes away the pain but dilaudid(a step down from heroin) which btw i started using about 5 years ago because one of my "friends" told me that it would help with my pain....welll it does, but now i am hooked on shooting up my pain pills and heroin when i can afford it. its my balll and chain and i just cant get off the pain pills.... both my parents are ferious at me and call me every name in the book and their favorite one is JUNKIE, and to top it off i have a mentally challenged brother that calls me junkie too...do u have any clue how that makes me feel....i dont use the drugs just to get high...i use it to kill my pain. im sooo depressed that i have tried to kill myself a shit load of times and everytime i come to succed the bastards call 911 and revive me...WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! what do i do? i cant hold a job down because im constantly in extreem pain, i barly got my highschool diploma and ive tried college numeous times and just cant make it in and sit there because of the pain...and if i take enough meds to take away the pain im soo out of it that i have no idea wtf is going on....i just want to run to detroit and grip up a bag of heroin and shoot up in a back ally so no one finds me till its too late...everyone says they love me but why do they keep putting me down....my mother is a good lady but she actually laughed at me while talking to my old man about how bad my addiction is, and on top of everything else they a petitioning the courts to kick my as out of the house....i have no money, no friends, no where to go,,,and the doctors now say that i dont have crohns desise and they have no clue what i have..they think i am just making it all up...i just want to fucking scream and punch them in the face.....so if i dont have crohns, what the fuck do i have....take a look at some pictures online of what crohns looks like...i have pictures of the same thing but they are from inside of me.....so i just dont get it....ive been all over to specialists, U of M ive even gone so far as to drive 10 hours away to cleveland clinic and they cant even tell me what the hell i have. liike i said i just want to overdose and be done with it all...but i dont even have the money to do that... i have the bullets but no gun...lol aghhhhhhhhhhh fuck my life.

    ~JJ~

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  60. you say there is someone out there that loves everyone but how can tnat be when my own parents dont even want me living in their home and my mother scarred alll of my friends away...so i have no one and no where to go...ive tried re-hab and got off of everything for 5-6 months but the pain never went away so i just went back to the doctor and im rite back to shooting up...last year around this time i sold to an undercover cop some weed and some xannex so now i am a known fellon and im on probation for 2 years and have to drug test twice a week, luckly they are ok with my medical weed card and my script for my dilaudid...but honestly im just fighting an up hill battle...i cant ho9ld anyjob down because every boss i have thinks that i am a lazy peice of shit becxause i have to take multiple sit-down breaks because i have poor circulation in my legs and they start hurting after a couple of hours of standing...i just dont know what to do. i feel like whats the point of going on living...my mother tho says that she would b devistaed if i were to killl myself and thats probably true but wtf i get into fights daily with my mom and dad....and it is soo bad that me and my old man get into fist fights....i try my damndest to respect them but i get nothing in return....im 21 bout to b 22 and they wont even trust me with a car because they think that i will go to detroit and buy heroin....but they dont realize that i can take a bike ride 5-10 minutes away from my home and get it....i have to be driven around like im fucking 13 again....and trhis has been like this for a good 3-4 years....my life fucking sucks....like i said they have already filed the papers to leagally kick me out of the house, what do i do where do i go, and how do i go about doing it???????????

    ~JJ~

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    1. I am 21 as well and am dealing with similar problems. Allbeit you are under more stress than me, I can completely understand where you are coming from. It is hard to be treated like a child when you are not. But at the end of the day they are trying to protect you even if it is annoying and makes you furious. I don't really have any sound advice for you, all i can say is that I feel your pain and you are not alone. I don't know what to do with myself at the moment to be completely honest, but I think it is good to know that you are not alone. People have gone through worst than us, and have gotten better. I try to think about that when I'm at my lowest. At least we have hope

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  61. Roger, you just saved me, at least for now.

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  62. roger its JJ again.....please please please i need you to reply....i really need some advice or i feel like i am going to go into a gun shop load up a 30-odd 6 and blow my brains out in the next 2-3 days. please help me =( =( =(

    ~JJ~

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    1. This is the first time I have ever responded to anyone. Just wait a little longer I guess. I want to die right now. But I'm afraid of missing something cool.

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  63. roger can you please help me out....i am concidering killing myself if my parents kick me out...in fact i deffinatly will kill myself...... please respond

    ~JJ~

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    1. DONT KILL YOUR SELF. if you do. imagine what you will miss! you will miss ur parents even if they kicked you out. and your friends. loved ones. everything u loved. will be GONE forever. enjoy the life,who knows. that its not enjoyable SOON. so go and enjoy. even without cash. u can go to park. chill . and get new friends. dont kill your self!!!! i promise. everyone of your friends. and your parents. will miss you

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  64. Thank you.

    I don't have the balls to kill myself. Even if I did, the problems I have is nothing compared to those of many others and , thus, can't possibly justify suicide.

    Wallowing in self-pity, I imagined suicide, and your blog laughed me out of the comedy I had created for myself.

    Thanks again.

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  65. Hiya, I know i'm just am eighteen year old. But you could say life isn't spectacular for me. It seems as though I am incapable of being happy. My dream was always in the movie business, but after concentrating on what makes me happy, I found that humorous writing is what i'm best at. Unfortunately, my humor isn't appreciated in the small backwards town of louisburg, ks. I'm now being called daily with death thats and have lost everyone close to me. Family is in the shitter. Girls despise me and I let my friends go so that they wouldnt be in danger. I have no one and nothing. This is my reward for bringing idiology to the hick turn of louisburg. In case your wondering what I did, I basically was outspoken about freedom of having other religions besides christianity, acceptance of blacks and gays, and pointed out the major flaws of our community. Suicide is looking mighty friendly at the moment.

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  66. Thank you for your honesty. I hope I can make it out of this darkness, b/c I hurt so bad I don't care what carnage is left behind. When friends turn their back on you for bs reasons, then I have nothing left.

    Thanks again for the post

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  67. what if suicide is your answer to shame?
    I've read almost every comment and your blog and it seems like every person who bothered to respond was here for the wrong reasons. Life seems to have truly wronged these people.
    (And from me, to you the responders, holy moly guys and girls, i'm sorry that life dealt you those cards)
    But what if you're here cause you're drunk and googled Painless suicide?
    And what if that drunken google search was the result of a realization that everything wrong that has happened to you was your own fault?
    I've destroyed so many things and I don't feel sorry. I feel shame. Shame is the acknowledgement that you are/have acted foolish. Sorrow is ambiguous. Shame is the emotion that will bring you to this point.
    when you feel shame you know who caused it.
    I feel shame.

    Please change your heading so it doesn't pop up underneath the crisis line. Some of us don't live in states with same day access to firearms.

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  68. I tired of this "don't kill yourself" bullshit. You think we never heard this before? I want the info, the numbers and the ways, not same lines all over and over again. Aside of that, you lying. There are painless way to commit suicide and that's obvious.

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  69. Hey i know the way. Potassium cyanide. Death from it is quick and painless and it can't cripple you, just kill. Were you afraid to write that? Can you only prove your point by telling lies?

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  70. Roger,
    I am a 31 year old woman, who on the surface has a great life. Good job, married, nice home and planning for babies this year. I'm so unhappy it is incredible. I've tried counseling, etc... but nothing seems to be working. My husband is good at times, complete asshole at others and doesn't want me to leave the job I've hated for years (because I make good money). My parent have died (still suffering from those bereavement issues) and my siblings who I adore live 3+ hrs away. I haven't met great friends in this new area and I feel like I don't have anyone to be honest to....who I can really express my feelings to or who would want to hear.

    All that being said, I'm glad I found this post. It has made me rethink what I would be doing to those I love. Maybe the answer is something less permanent, like divorce and moving.

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  71. Thank you so much for this post.

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  72. I want to thank you for writing this blog. I have struggled with things as well. I hope I can find the courage to look past my own problems and live for my 3 daughters. Thank you.

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  73. Doesn't anyone have anything original to say about suicide? Standard stuff, darkness, hope, help somebody...blah, blah, blah. The problem with helping people is that clearly those who are out there "helping" aren't very good at what they are doing. If they were, the world would be a far better place.

    Good warning about the psych hold... sounds horrific.

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  74. Dear Anon - I know what you mean. I had an incident yesterday, where I called the Suicide Hotline, just to see how it would play out. The lady that answered was a complete jerk. If I had really been in crisis, I'd have been dead.

    I didn't get her name. I should have. She's probably killing more people than I'm saving.

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    1. I looked through the comments and saw you dissapeared from Dec 24th til Feb 21st and I was worried that the holidays had gotten to you and you didn't make it through.

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  75. Anissa Que - Yeah, dates are funny. I remember so many of them. Some of the worst are too painful to remember or my mind blocks them out.

    I'm going to be here to serve you. That is my mission.

    And with www.OE3.me - life will be better for all of us. The broken people finally get to go to the front of the line.

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  76. To the person who wrote:

    "Roger,
    If my plan fails and I end up in some psycho hospital will it cost money? I don't have any money so I will just make things worse. Can I refuse the hospital? "

    I should not cost anything, if the facility is run by the state or county. If you are sent to a private facility, then you'll be getting a big bill.

    The cost that you will incur is usually ambulance - transportation or holding - you were sent to an emergency room before being sent to the psyche house.

    As I am writing, I am waiting in Exam Room 1 At Euclid Hospital A Cleveland Clinic Hospital. I am awaiting transport to North Coast Behavioral Institute.

    Where I stayed before, was a building built during the Civil War. The paint was all asbestos and the hell hole was closed down in July of 2011.

    I did something the other day, that caused the cops to come and take me to the hospital. Don't worry, part of this is a research project.

    So, I'm going back to the nut house, partially on my own accord. I knew what I did and I did it to expose the malpractice of the psychiatric community. I'm going to file a very large lawsuit, soon.

    So, don't worry. Go, get help. See if you like the help and then move on.

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  77. I have to apologize to the many people who posted their hearts here over the holidays, and I did not get to moderate the comments and post your thoughts.

    I've been through a very challenging, yet rewarding period of my life. A best and worst scenario. And I'm finally leaning more toward the BEST side of things.

    There were so many comments, I just had to mass approve them. So, I didn't read every single one. I will and I will respond.

    Thanks for sharing your heart and soul with us. You, too, have saved lives.

    I've been telling my doctors, "I have saved more lives with this post than you or 50 of your doc buddies do in their entire careers. That's powerful. And I have to realize how powerful a gift the Almighty has given me and not abuse it.

    I hope I can continue to be a servant to those of you in need. I know some very important people saved me from the depths. Then, they even went away and I had to learn to do it all on my own.

    You CAN survive. You just have to have one shred of hope that you can. I'll help you do the rest, when www.OE3.me comes out on March 23, 2012. Hope for all.

    Peace and another tomorrow.

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  78. You keep telling people that someone in their lives loves them. My question is, Who cares? I sure don't care if there may be a few people who love me. So what if they do? It is one thing to leave behind someone who is dependant on you, like a child, but if all you have are a few family members or friends(or people you thought were your friends) to leave behind. So what? They'll never understand the anguish you go through on a daily basis. How could they understand why someone would want to kill themselves when they can't comprehend the pain and negativity someone goes through on a daily basis? If, as you say, someone will grieve or be hurt over what you did, guess what? They'll get over it. I, however, can not get over the feeling of loneliness and despair. Many years of therapy and drugs have not done anything to alleviate these feelings. I don't enjoy life. I live day by day with no hope or dreams. This is not living. So why bother?

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  79. I wont bore everyone with all the details of why I dont want to live to see another day but I havent for 15 years (really longer but truly have had no desire since jan 97) ive got up each day because of my mother who is a good lady and cant bare the thought of her getting the news but I also am sick of pretending to be happy. Im not looking for permission from a stranger but seriously how long do I have to struggle and live for someone elses sake? I, like others on the comment listk really was looking for the most painless way to die whitney houston style taking a bath. People die every day and every story I read I think that lucky motherfucker. The worst part is I sometimes wish my mom would die just so I could kill myself guilt free but shes had a hard life and worked hard to set up a retirement for herself and just retired so in reality I want her to live 40 years of enjoying her well deserved time off. I just hope and pray I dont have to live 40 more yiears

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    1. Amen, I am with you man. That's what I ask myself every fucking day. How long do I have to live for everybody else. And they know I want to die. I don't want to die but I think its gonna happen this year. I could write a book about why. But first I would like to speak to Roger.Ya gotta appeciate what he is trying to do.

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  80. Like many others, I googled painless suicide and came across your blog.

    With the humour & stark reality of suicide and the ways it can be done gave me a smile not a tear, but would you actually want to after reading this - you made me smile and look at what I truly have to live for.

    Yes I may be depressed, actually, well depressed, but I am good at hiding it, however I have 3, wonderful children that would be devastated loosing mummy. A husband that supports me and above all loves me and the people I can help and do help, I hope in life.

    I am great at hiding how down I really am. For instance, I have just turned around a local company in 6 days from a petition to wind up to a full trading entity, sacked and instructed new accountants and had the bank change his business manager to a senior commercial manager where I proved that the company had not been supported. This man, his company and his family have a chance in a lifetime now.

    We have rescue & rehabilitation horses, and we give back, save and rebuild these magnificent animals trust and then when ready they go to sanctuaries - I guess that is special to and wouldn't happen if I wasn't here.

    Just sometimes I dont want to get up, face the world, I just crumble, but then I find a strength in doing for others.

    I have a professional career too,quite successful and can earn £800 p/day, deep down I feel a failure so bad sometimes. I want my kids to learn a world of love and live what they learn.

    If I wasnt here, that would be a pain they would carry for their lifetime and no mummy would want any burden close to that for their kids. Sometimes its just hard to cope. A little further, a little stronger each day.

    If you can touch one person in this lifetime & heal them enough, sometimes by a gesture, a smile, a welcoming response or helping them in any way you can, then you have done something magical. Reach out. You have done this by this blog, Roger.

    It did occur to me, that you have a talent, not just for humour with honesty blended with blunt reality...turn this talent into a book - you have the traffic to this site and another, you are reaching so many, you could now reach for yourself still helping others, perhaps that dont use internet. You could even turn your financial situation around with your passion to help others and the next step to fighting to see your daughter and the finances to do this.

    I now fully believe that If you can believe it, dream it, you can do it - there is always a way.

    I hope that others might take heart from you and live another day.

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  81. honestly the perfect words to say to you, Thank you.

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  82. I'm only 19 years old but I feel like everything just doesn't work out for me. I've been struggling with fits of depression that seem to just come and go. I was stupid, i fucked up in school and ended up having to go to a shitty county college by my house. My parents are nice, they are good peopoe they've never abused me or anything, but i still feel like they dont care. I feel distant from everyone and I qm almost completely alone.

    I shunned all of my friends and at this moment in time i have no one. I was expelled from my college because i fucked up. I had no motivation and i failed my classes. It was fucking stupid of me. Everything is my fault and i know i cant put the blame on anyone else. I've never been connected with anyone emotionally. I've never had a girlfriend or lover, i've never had someone who truly enjoyed me being there. I just feel like im floating right now, drifting, and as time goes on i drift further and further, until i'm completely lost. I just need someway to get by. My passion is film, but i find no matter how hard i try i cant succeed. I've been makin short films and i never get any attention or anyhing. I just dont want to be lost anymore.

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  83. The Earth is so tiny in our galaxy - like a grain of sand on a beach. And there are multiple galxies from what we can see which makes us even smaller than that. All we can do is try to help and heal each other. The sun dont shine forever, but as long as its here then we might as well shine together -eminem. I believe the world is poisoned by greed and I'll never see the day where we can all live in peace. Plus we are under controll by the government. We truly are not free and are forced to work for money to survive. Think about it, look at history, and see that the world is a miserable place because of greed and controll over peoples human rights. I have suicidal thoughts because I have no hope for this world and and no hope for the people suffering in it. I am suffering because i see death as the only way out, what could possibly be my purpose in life if life itself isnt worth living.We are probably being tested or punished by some higher being. Hopefully there is a better place than this shit after death. -hopless

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  84. Obviously I came here looking for a painless suicide, which of course is not possible. I already knew that, I just hoped someone had discovered some new trick.

    This is not my first time down this road, though this time is different. You see the first time I truly did believe that world would be better off without me. I believed that no one truly cared about me, that I was not loved by anyone. I now know that is not true. I have many people in my life that love me.

    The problem is in me. Something about me drives people away. Namely, my husband of just under two years. I found out today that he wants to have an affair...possibly even divorce me. He does not know that I know this. He will be angry with me for snooping in his email, so I will not tell him I know until I am telling him goodbye.

    You are right, I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop. Unfortunately I have done everything you have suggested and the pain never stops, the pain never goes away.

    There is only one person who could stop me. There is only one person who could keep me here. I realize this makes me a completely horrible parent (and person), but to deny the truth at this point would be stupid. That one person does not care that I am broken. That one person does not care that I am sitting half a world away from him deciding between which of my plans will be the most efficient.

    I am weak. Very, very weak. My one moment of strength and courage will be my last.

    Fortunately no one will ask why. They will know. They know now, but they just don't realize it.

    I am glad you have been able to reach and help so many people. It is a great thing that the Gods have given you a way to help others. It is even greater that so many have heard you.

    But there are times when some people can no longer be reached. There are times when the fear of killing yourself is less than the pain.

    I'm not seeking help, just an outlet because the one person I wish could desperately hear me is the one person who doesn't.

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  85. I'm afraid of transferring my pain to those who would feel the loss of me. I don't want an autopsy. I don't want to be on the news. I don't want it to hurt. I don't want people talking behind my back, speculating. I don't want my people to have to deal with my affairs and belongings because I know it would be very sad and painful burden. I understand that just because I don't feel loved doesn't mean I'm not.

    I want to leave a note that explains all of this but it seems so incredibly selfish. Most of all I want to be forgiven.

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    1. I understand because i feel the exact same way. You just have to focus on something good in your life and walk away from some of the things that make it worse to bear this life. One thing I think about also how so many people has it worse then me, I have a friend dying of cancer, she wants to live so bad and wants to be here for her two kids and family but the cancer won't let her. Think positive and selfless :-)

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  86. Problem is... No one will show up at my funeral. My mother is abusive and evil. I lost the person I cared the most over. I am loosing everything that matters to me one by one. I am so alone, and I can't do it anymore.

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  87. I have felt alone and isolated most of my life. At 40, I asked my physician for something for depression. He gave me pills and told me I needed to "find someone", like "a companion". If it were only that easy. My job gets me out of the house and helping others but at 5pm its back home to being alone. I am very thankful for this blog. It is the first I've ever read. I truly do not want it to be the last. Still, the pain is there.

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  88. another useless article... what an asshole write shit like this? Anyway - Hanging and Jumping are very fast and effective way to die.

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  89. I tried the 30 xanax, and then put a plastic bag over my head. Even painted the toes and put the toe tag on. No one checked, and I still woke up. Sucks when your family has been your #1 priority, and when it is all said and done, they wouldn't give a shit when you are gone. This is too hard, and full of too much sad. kathy cossairt.

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  90. "I used to work in a chemical plant and I stood over a 5,000 gallon tank of Toulene"

    Is it any wonder you've contemplated suicide?

    What long term effects do industrial solvent exposure have on one's psyche? Suicidal ideation is one of them.

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  91. Thank you for everything. This really convinced me. Reasons against suicide never felt truly compelling from people who aren't in the same place as me.

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  92. The world is not a beautiful place, it's a terrible, cruel, and disgusting place. You will see this if you open any newspaper. I'm sick of the whole "someone loves you" shit. Well maybe there are people who DON'T have someone who loves them, and even if they do, how is that going to help them? Maybe your problems weren't that bad in the first place and that is why you can go on living. Some of us, on the other hand, don't have such luck.

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  93. Thank you Roger for reaching out to me in the dark.. You are clearly a loving person. Which is all that really is asked of anyone. And which I needed.

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  94. I found this page wile looking around for good methods. and i feel i have a perfectly valid reason for killing myself. first off i want to make it clear that im not religious and never was, i was raised in a family where everyone had to believe in logic and not to believe something unless it has been proven using large amounts of research as welli have to be smarter then everyone else which is one of the reasons i wish to die, i have ADHD which make me unable to learn to the fullest extent and i am completely addicted to the internet as if it was a drug.

    Im as of now not very intelligent, everyone in my family thinks im a loser and will never amount to anything and i agree with them. i cannot focus on anything i do not find interesting, without intelligence, faith or any reason to be of use to anyone suicide begins to seem more and more of a good idea.

    You mentioned people missing me or grieving for me, as of now my mother and father hate me, my brother doesn't like me, my friends never have and never will care about what i do and i dont have anyone else who would remotely be interested in me for i have always preferred to be alone.

    if you think you can somehow convince me to stop how i am thinking as of now then i sincerely ask you to try... but as of now i see no reason to continue living.

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  95. What do you do when you can no longer find anything you care about to peruse? I wish I has things I wanted to do....but nothing interests me...I am getting very bored.....and sad that I just can't be happy. Now what? Is it time to go?

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  96. Here I am reading this blog feeling like the ugliest woman on earth and what do I see on the sidelines, pictures of half-naked women. Thanks a lot. There is no hope for us uglies because we are never good enough for anyone. Even if my boyfriend should feel lucky to have me, he still would rather have someone else. Never matter if I tried being a really nice person either. I am tired of the outside being so much more important than the insides.

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    1. Hello,I can tell you this.I value a woman for being gentle, kind and understanding.This has nothing to do with looks.The fact that you are looking so inward on yourself tells me you have all those most important qualities that good men look for. Value that.The world is tainted towards the photoshop magazine covers and made up movie stars when in reality we are all generally the same. Even the movie stars dont look so good without makeup. Also, when a man and a woman are 70 years old does looks make a difference.

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  97. Where can you buy potassium cyanide?

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  98. Great blog, Blazic.

    Trust me on this, however, they don't love you at Denny's or Dunkin Donuts. They probably like you, but they don't love you.

    Still, people are probably loved by someone somewhere--my dogs love me, I think. But have you ever read "People Of The Lie", by M. Scott Peck?

    There is no shortage of people in this world who would be better off if someone they loved were gone. Plain & simple.

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  99. Well, you deceived me. I do was searching for a suicide guide, a , well, 'serious' one. But you got me. And I guess it's a good thing after all...I won't say "hey, I'm happy now, thanks!' but i'll try at least to have another day tomorrow. Thanks.

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  100. I dont know how to tell my mom i need help. She doesnt understand, a friend of mine did it two octobers ago and all she would tell me is how selfish and stupid and unforgivable it is. What if she hates me for thinking about it

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  101. I am in the field of psychology and some people have this belief that we are emotionless and have picture perfect lives. hat isa falsehood but we do tend to have better coping mechanisms. Your blog has offered wonderful advice and I truly commend your efforts Roger. The psychology field would love to have more like you in the field; rather than the "frightened to think outside the box" Carl Jung or Sigs Freud. You have been an agel to many. Thank you!

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  102. Roger,

    Thanks for your postings. These thoughts have been pervasive through my whole life as well, beginning as a child and continuing through adulthood.

    Lately I am coming to terms with it in a way I have not understood it before, and how you spoke in the main posting I really identified with. It is very similar to how I feel now. Suicide is just a transfer of my pain to someone else because, while I would not have to feel it anymore, I will leave that impact on those I love.

    Honest love is unselfish. It is what drives you to consider someone else no matter what the cost to you. To make your decision based on whats best for those you love, no matter the consequence to yourself. Selfless acts.

    Choosing to take your life is always choosing yourself over the ones you love, and any thoughts we have to the contrary are delusional.

    If you choose death, you choose yourself over everyone else .

    I know that sounds so far from the truth while suffering through those thoughts because I have been there, but ultimately thats where it lays.

    As for your last post about telling the doctors they are useless, you do not really know their intentions. Many truly have an intention to help, even though how they attempt it can be misguided. Some unfortunately may not really care.

    Just remember as you said in your post, love others. Love even those who do not love you back. Live life in a manner that even if an enemy would raise a hand in harm towards you, love him anyways. That is the only real means to achieve happiness. That is the only way to a personal heaven.

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  103. There have been so many comments on this post, I can't keep up with personal replies to every comment. I'm just glad to see that people are being helped and that lives are continuing.

    It's not easy. I just had a major life event and I'm going to be sidetracked for a while, but I made it. It won't be easy, but I have to take things one step at a time.

    I read in the Bible: Tribulations lead to perseverance, which leads to character, which leads to hope. Take the steps.

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  104. My wife attempted suicide today. I was home and got her the help she needed. Your Blog was the last thing she looked at today. I am not sure if that is good or bad, but she crushed and snorted 90 klonopin and taken several other types of pills. Now I can't talk to her at the hospital and she hates me for calling the police. I am confused. So very confused...

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  105. We have been through very similar situations. I have a Laz-buy and sleep in it also. I cancelled cable, to expensive and get news and movies on line. Divorce, children, guilt. Loss, more loss and a functioning hermit. I especially enjoy your hoarder stories. Tell me, is Fred still hanging on to the vette, old caddy , piece of shit mustang 5.0 and that stupid low rider truck "praise the lourad" and that junker Olds 98? As I said we have a lot in common. Keep up the good work and I will be following you on here.

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  106. people look at me and see fuck i dont know. Something i dont. Someone Happy go lucky and smiley. But that is just a front. i try not to show emotions. I try not to feel any thing.
    Because what i truly feel is hatred.pain and anguish. I see no lisustaght at the end of the tunnel. No future. i see the past. The black figure in my dreams. The nightly rapes by one who helped bring me into this world. The daily beatings because i would try to refuse the locking me in the my room and only providing crackers as a meal. Hearing the loud screams of my mother as he beats her in the room next to me. Thats just the begining of my life. Does not included countless relationships that end almost the same way. I ask you this how do you live a "Happy life" i truely dont understand that. I am 25 and still have dreams that wake me up with screams.

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  107. this isnt the first time, but lately iv had some pretty scary thoughts. My lfe has reached a stage where i have no one. Im single, i have friends but im not really sure if theyre acutally enjoy my company. i feel empty inside iv accomplished nothing in my life and when i think of my future all i can think of is all the terrible decisions im sure to make. iv been nothing but a burden to anyone whos tried to be close to me,now no one care enough to want to be close to me.

    the only person that might miss me for a while is my mom, but witht eh way iv been things havnt been great with her either. i imagine my world without me, and no matter what reasoning i try to think of for me being here i cant think of a justifiable one.
    im starting to get scared with my thoughts. iv been to a docotro before but i was younger and clearly it didnt help. iv spent the last while thinking. iv had a camping knife that was found by a friend a while ago, and the porspect of how fast it could be over is luring,but i still cant do it.

    a part of me is afriad of the pain, and then i guess anotehr part is afraid that ill fail just like iv failed so much else. then id have to deal witht he judgment and the people trying to console me when ill always know they dont know what its like.

    im not sure what else to do, everyweek things get bleeker...im starting to feel like im putting myself through what i dont have to

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    1. i hear you! we are so similar...

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  108. Hi Roger. I sent you a comment last week when I was mad chastising you for not having information on a painless suicide. I want to apologize for that. I was very mad and hell-bent on killing myself as I received a horrible diagnosis and now have a very poor prognosis. I am 50 years old and probably will not live to see 53. The Doctors promised that my last few years will be miserable and painful. I can look forward to pain, unemployment, narcotic addiction and poverty.
    I have since found plenty of information on how to check out of this hotel. I don't have the balls to use any of this information just yet. Probably down the road, when life gets worse than it is now, I will push the button. As for now, I will just wait out the latest storm and see what happens.
    I wish you good luck with your future. It seems as though you have some problems and demons to deal with. Take it easy on the Police and medical folks. They are just trying to help. Fighting with them and giving them a hard time will never get you where you want to go. I am sure you have found out that if you make their lives hard, they will make your life unbearable. Especially the Police. Many of those guys have no sense of humor.
    If I am still here in a few months, I will check back and say hello… Dawgy…

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  109. Just wanted to say thank you! Reading this completely calmed me down and helped take my mind off of it. Hope your doing ok.

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  110. Please help me. I've read this blog so many times on the verge of losing it. Your words are starting to lose the effect they first had and I don't know what to do. I'm 16 and I've been struggling for about five months now. I live with depression, OCD, and phobia induced anxiety. I had an anxiety attack today after a hard day of school right before five hours of work. I can't go on trying so hard for nothing. I've been living to get into the college of my dreams and I just realized that it's all for nothing. Who cares if I get in, life will still be miserable. I'm running out of things to live for. I honestly hate my family. My mother is selfish and attacks mt self-esteem daily, we do nothing but clash heads. The only thing keeping me here is my six year old cousin and I'm starting to lose her too. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. Please help me.
    -L

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  111. Thanks for the tip. Removing catalytic converter should help, right?

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  112. Roger,

    I know my issues arent as troubling as some of the others but I came to this website because I too googled "painless suicide". I am/was the senior class president at my school. Throughout my high school career I involved myself in many clubs. I loved helping and being friends with people. This past week our school police officers found a knife I was using to eat fruit in my car as well as a little pocket knife I had tucked under the seat from this past summer. I had no intention whatsoever to use these knifes to threaten or hurt anyone. I, however, was charged with two class one misdemeanors. These two charges have left me not knowing if I will be able to attend the school of my dreams next year. Ive already been accepted but if they ask me about my charges im more than likely screwed. My minimum sentence for these two charges is 18 months probation which would prevent me from even attending that school for an entire year and a half. The only thing that has been on my mind is killing myself. Its hard to live in a society where if you screw up, the court system will ruin your future. Your article has definitely helped me. I cried thinking about my mother and father at my funeral.

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  113. I loved your article. I am gonna put that down on my list of things I love haha! It definitely has saved me for the time being. Thank you!

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  114. I read this and I still want to die. I've ruined my life and the depression is catching up to me. I'm in my 20s and I should still want to live but honestly I'm just a sick person that doesn't deserve to live. The only thing that keeps me going is that I don't want to leave my wife alone but I don't know how much longer I will care. I'm a monster.

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  115. At this present moment i am suicidal. My own children don't care about me, my own family (whatever is left of them) don't care about me. They all have their own life and view me as an old burden. I have been without food at times and none has come by to see if i needed anything. I can't find a job I reside with my oldest son and they make their own plans leaving me alone without no care in the world. The only ones who would have care were my parent and they are long gone (RIP). I have no friends, where i reside a vehicle is needed I have none, therefore it's impossible for me to do anything...so i ask, what is the point of living. If your own so called loved ones don't care about you, then what is the point of living? At times i have wondered why was i born...born out of my parents lust, not thinking about what would happen or if it was my chose to be born. I have noticed life is a temporary illusion all about money, sex and greed. The more people have, the more they want and never satisfied. Always wanting more in life and yet even if they do have it all...still something is missing and still not happy. At this moment...i truly have no one who loves or cares. I have even spoken about my depression and suicidal thoughts and their reply was 1. I don't want to hear about it...i have my own family to worry about. 2. If you do then we'll just call the police. This was the reply from 1 of my son and my own brother. I have called suicide prevention lines and the work they do is just to prevent a suicide...however ask yourself...DO THEY REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU? They are just doing their job other then that there is nothing else. Yes, I do have a plan and it's none that have been posted on this blog. In all reality i am not a coward nor am worried about dying because I have lived enough. kids are all adults, so in all reality nothing to hold me back. I just don't like pain.

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  116. Helllo I just finished reading your blog it is nice that you have come to terms with "your" situation, but needles to say everyone who considers suicide does not have the same problems or feels the same way about their paticluar situation. take me for instance, I have been on my own since I was 17 I am now 52 years old, I go to work try to do the best job I can and always see the slackers get the promotion, never married no children work a dead end job for minamum wage and uglier than a troll. Most of the people I know are just aquaintences or co-workers no real friends that I hangout with. I don't think I am feeling pain just a profound sense of loneliness and failure, I have not strugled with drugs or alcohol although I have used them recreationally, curently I am hours from being homeless for a third time, with nobody to call for help the feeling is bewildering. I am tired of the struggle, of always failing and of being alone. I have contemplated suicide for a long time but have been to chicken, because of the pain involved, I mean I have dealt with pain phgysical pain, broken hand, cuts, contusions but those were not inflicted by myself and I guess thats ths real fear is to give myself pain. What I know about drugs, heroin is the most likely way I would do it, unfortunately I don't know where to get it, since it's just a shot and needles don't bother me, so I guess I do have a plan

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  117. This is perhaps the most optimistic article i've read in my entire life.

    Didn't you know ?

    It's not possible to ease pain for some people. Sometimes, there is literally nothing you can do. It comes to a point that, even if you don't commit suicide, your body will kill you because of the mental pain. You can't breathe. You don't know what DESPAIR means. You don't what it's like to feel like God is against you. If you did, you wouldn't write such a meaningless thing.

    You know?

    What you typed up there, exactly means NOTHING. It's just something away from the truth. And the truth is bad.

    Losing your mind is easier. The hard thing is not losing it and seeing it coming. Feeling the despair in your every bit. You have no idea what kind of people are out there. Some people have incredible minds and thoughts, and those minds don't kill them, just keeps hurting them real bad till they explode.

    True despair, has no solution. And if someone has it, it's the end of story.

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  118. Hi I hop it is okey if take this and translate into my language to post on my fb and yes I did find this be cors i was trying fined the way out I have bin trying thet on and of for 20 somthing yers now,I was 26 yers old wen did try the first time at thet pont did think it was normal to think of dieing every day I soon did find out it was not but still I am in this hell on and of trying to stay alive seeing this is maybe thi thing to help me this time thanks

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  119. i really liked this i have read it once and it helped me calm down about suicide and taking my own life u are right there is not a painless death but that is the only way for the pain to stop i have found anyway i mean how does one truly stop feeling pain its simple u cant but when i have physical pain it is nothing compared to pain of emotional pain ever night i cry myself to sleep but i do have a feeling that i have been feeling emotional pain for so long that it is just total fucking up my body and i do think i will be dieing soon but thanks for this

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  120. Ran into this post via Google, and I can say honestly that it was a great wake-up call. As horribly depressed as I am right now, it's worth fighting through it to be able to give joy and not pain to my wife and son. See you on the next day. I definitely will not be formulating a plan, because I don't ever want to be tempted to execute it.

    Thanks and stay well, and keep on making it to all of those next days.

    -Chris

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  121. I just wanted to say Thank you your words and stories have helped. I plan on getting help and trying to move on.

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  122. Thanks for writing this. I'm autistic and have no friends. I counted the people who would come to my funeral: 3, all immediate family. I am fedup of not being able to relate to other people. It seems the one thing that kept you going -- feeling loved and having friends -- is the main thing I lack and which creates these suicidal feelings. I am tired and just resort to self-harming for now.

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  123. Well...even after finding this site and reading all the post I still have doubts about my life getting turned around...but I will give it a shot and see what happens...

    I know I don't know you personally Roger, but I want to say thank you very much for your words.

    Russ

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  124. Two years ago I tried suicide by taking 40 Unisom pills, what a mistake. I thought I would peacefully drift off to sleep and drop dead already- but instead my body had the opposite reaction. Within 10 minutes after taking the pills my heart started pounding hard and I could not stop hyperventilating. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was pissed because I never got sleepy. I panicked and called 911. The NYPD and paramedics were very rough on me. The female FDNY paramedic was a total bitch. She kept making fun of the way I was breathing heavy, she said out loud that I "sounded like a chimp".If you are a psych patient in NYC you will get treated like shit, avoid calling 911 . Depressed? have a drink, listen to music, watch some Geaorge Carlin videos on youtube---but stay away from 911 and doctors. I wish I just rode it out. They did not pump my stomach. Avoid Saint Lukes Hospital at all costs . Psych patients have no civil rights. You can be handcuffed for hours. They can inject you WITHOUT your consent for any reason . These sadistic mother fuckers injected me Haldol- that shit will knock you out.It took 3 security gaurds to hold me down for the injection because I resisted it. I woke up with all my clothes cut off -even my 30 dollar Vanity Fair bra. I was not violent, not threatening at all. I just kept pleading for them to loosen the handcuffs, and they got tired of hearing me pleade. My hands turned purple and was left with cuts and bruises. After my 30 days in captivity in a psych unit , they released me. The FDNY EMS filed a fake ambulance report by claiming it was a private ambulance company that transported me. I even went to the FDNY headquarters to track that bitch down to file a complaint. FDNY firefighters are nice, but she was a total biatch.

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  125. what a load of crap! this world is not beautiful it is full of rapist and murders and paedophiles. sometimes the pain of your death for someone else is not as bad as the burden you are alive... i am a very unlucky guy and never have any chances or oppertunities, i have spent my whole life helping others and being shunned to the side when needing help my self, i have cyclothmymia which is a branch of bipolar. i would be dead already if it wasnt for the hate inside me telling me to burn the earth and destroy all who are not worthy, i am not religious i just cant bare to live in this world anymore. if you had seen the things i have seen and knew the things i knew you would be tieing the hangmans noose right now. farewell.

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  126. i just want everything to stop, i dont see anything thats keeping me here, ohh one or two people.. great they can split the cost... congrats on getting better

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  127. thank you. you're a good person.

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  128. I'm 26 years old, I think. Nice article. It discouraged me from using the gun idea. Suicide isn't on my mind anymore, but I'm sure it will come back. I want to end it, because I've done something horrible. My little cousin 20 years old, has been my best friend for years. Our favorite things to do is eat at Denny's LOL, eat pho, play video games, hangout with friends, and just chill. One night she slept over, and I don't know what came over me... I touched her where I shouldn't have. For a moment I forgot she was my cousin let alone my best friend. She's angry, some of our friends think I'm a monster. I couldn't agree. Two of my good friends visited me last night after finding out to punch and kick some sense into me. Sadly I wish they did more, but I'm sure the idea of prison held them back.

    So here I am, depressed, in that "seat" seeking an end. I've wrecked my cousin, my best friends mind, and dropped a bomb in the center of my group of friends. I'm ready to go.

    No one wants to die, and like you said they really just want an end to the pain.

    I think they will get out. As I type my apartment is a mess from moving. I decided I'd see some parts of the world before the thought of suicide should settle.

    You're right... there are people that love me. Most of my friends hate me now, but two still hang on regardless of what I've done.

    I think I'll go see parts of the world I've never seen before. Yeah... I know I'm running away but it sure beats death.

    Thanks for the article. It helped.

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  129. ya, where are the good methods we are looking for??:) i have my method, thought you might have a better way out of this hell..........guess not:( for those interested, i'm tying a rope around my neck with a heavy wieght on the other end and throwing myself over the side of a boat in deep water, just need a bot to borrow.......if anyone wants to try this make sure you are in deep enough water:)

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  130. actually my problm is my family....i luv a boy he is my lyf he is my everythng.....but my family is nt acceptng him...because he is not of our status...i luv him like hell...my mom says that i cant bear you a single day in my home...i just dont want to depress my parents nd my luv...so i decided to commit sucide by cuttng my nerve as soon as possible...my family will nt accept my luv nd i cant live without him...so i will leave my family and my luv too very soon :) i luv them verryyy much..i tried alot tht my parents could understand my feelings but i failed :(

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  131. Thank you. I'm trying to stop the voice & be a new person. It's so hard.

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  132. Roger, right now, I am seriously considering suicide. It is 3:15 eastern time in the morning - I have printed several pieces of information on a combination of prescription drugs and over-the-counter drugs. I have printed information on solvents and their hazards. I have spent over 2 hours just crying, feeling useless, and searching for ways to painlessly end my life.

    I am bitter, angry, and hurting deeply beyond my core being. I do not know who I really am, I do not know what I want to be, I do not have any self-confidence in myself, I feel like I am a very bad person.

    I guess I didn't realize this until a dear friend told me, point blank, that he will no longer listen to my complaints, that I need to be moving on and serving others in everything I do.

    I am very scared to do this and really do not know HOW I will do this. I have a great team of people in place - my psychotherapist, my psychiatrist, my pastor, and this dear friend who I mentioned above. They have been and continue to suggest different things, to guide me, to listen to me and how I am truly feeling.

    They continue to promise me that I will experience life in all it's fullness - that I will experience life as God intended it to be, that I will have real joy and be able to live in that joy.

    But I continue not to have any of this - continue to feel this deep-routed pain, continue to wonder, if ever, if I will be able to feel this true joy and life in all its fullness.

    I have attempted suicide several times, including one with pills, and then a trip to the ER in which they gave me this black charcoal stuff for me to drink to absorb any of the medication left in my body.

    I don't know anymore - I simply don't know. Thank you.

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  133. Sharing your thoughts when you are thinking aboutsuicide is pointless. I really feel like I can't take it anymore, I have told my family I feel this way. Thinking if I talk maybe they can help me find a reason not to do it. All I get is them telling me I am stupid and them being hateful. People think you are saying it for attention or to manipulate, when in reality I just feel like I am drowning and just want a reason not to stop trying to swim. I really don't think I can do it anymore.

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  134. My problems are not bad at all compared to so many people who have posted in response to your wonderful post. I have chronic pain after Lasik. No one knows why. Vision is fine (which I'm grateful for), but the degree to which the pain has affected my quality of life is making me wish to die. For over a year now I have just wanted the pain to end. I don't have enough balls to do it. And I know my wonderful husband would miss me. But it's not like I have a life now anyway. Pain really messes a person up. It really, really does.

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  135. Yea I'm sure you've been through everything worst possible and had a friend that attempted every kind of suicide. Why would I take advice from somebody who failed at so many suicides?

    Do you honestly think I give a shit about a single soul on this planet when I don't give a shit about my own?

    Clearly you don't know what people go through and how they feel. Your humorous attempt at such a subject will just drive me closer to suicide. I didn't fucking come here to be entertained u piece of shit.

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  136. You keep harping on pain. How about being diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and looking forward to having a fully functional brain trapped in an inert body that is unable to talk and gets nourishment via a feeding tube. There's no way you can tell me a life like that is worth living. I have a life-long friend that is in that condition and it only took three years.
    I'm not afraid of dying, I'm terrified of the road that leads to it.

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  137. Thanks. You know how I got to your blog. Bought me some time.

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  138. Fuck you. All I want is to die without pain. I hate living . If I. Wanted someone's life story that's what I would have looked up. I am sooooooo happy your ok.

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  139. Thank you for this post. However it only gives me temporary hope. My pain is so bad I just want to waste away. I will try to hang in there. I just hope I can find motivation to get thru every day.

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  140. Your blog saves me today and it inspires me to start my own blog. I used to use writing as my therapy but i moved to the US from a foreign country 11 years ago and felt like I couldn't express myself good enough writing in English, but I'm trying I'm hoping I can help someone with my blogs along the way. Thank you

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  141. thank you, i don't know if this has changed my mind or not... i've lost everything this year.. my mom, my job, my home.. i haven't attracted a woman in 2 years.. anyhow, thank you

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  142. I have to say that my suicidal thoughts permeate when I am single. When I am in a relationship, everything has a bright side. But, as I hit my mid thirties and intelligently broke off an engagement 4 months ago, that constant numbing dead feeling comes over me. Yet, my suicidal ideations have nothing to do with pills, guns, or drowning...I just wish that a situation may arise where I might be able to give my life for someone else...saving a child from an on coming car, taking a bullet for a mother, or saving a disabled from a burning building. HA!...the chances. But, the sad part is that I've always felt this way since I was in grade school to an extent. I never really saw myself with a family although I chased the women since grade school. I always felt there was something noble in self-sacrifice but it's not pretty.

    So here I am googling suicide...I'm glad I stumbled on to this site. You are doing a good thing for people.

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  143. I came here looking for a painless way to commit suicide and all I get is talk about why not to do it. Are you kidding me? Some of us really need help pulling this off as cleanly and painlessly as possible (i.e. without our brains being blown out everywhere and without waking up in a psych unit).

    Also it would be great if there were an efficient method to pull this off and make it not look like a suicide. I don't really want my family having this stigma that I offed myself, so making it look like an accident is something I am interested in as well.

    Anyone have any ideas?

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  144. If you lose your daughter what is the remedy? Make more kids? that doesn't heal the pain.

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  145. This is BS. These mental hospitals manipulate the system and put this country even more in debt. Some people want to commit suicide because their sick of people and constantly getting shit on by them. Their sick of being forced into being a part of the problems of others. Last time i checked freedom of speech was a God given right in this country. But when you go to talk to someone about how you feel like killing yourself it's mandatory that they lock you up? Life is such a joke everywhere you look so it's really no wonder, at least to me why people would want to commit suicide. I for one won't go back to one of those places, last time i was there they strapped me to a chair and fondeled my balls. And all i went to the hospital for was to get someone to talk to on a regular basis. But they saw me as a way to make $. They use patients as test subjects and force feed them pills because they get kickbacks from drug companies. If your really concerned about people wanting to kill themself take a look at your own life and others around you and change what's crooked about them cuz i assure you if it weren't for crooked people nobody would want to kill themself. This world is a joke, people just do what they want and shit on others in order to get it. What about that guy that just takes it and takes it until he can't take it anymore? Oh you want him to continue suffering in this world instead of ending it in peace. Get a fkn clue.

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  146. My life is so full of failure. I met this girl who I wanted to be my wife and I wanted us to have the best wedding. I wanted to buy her the most beautiful ring. I changed my career so that I could do that. We got married 2 years later. The day after our wedding I get a call from my job telling me I was fired. Found a new job only to be laid off. Got another job only to have my hours cut by 1/3. Finally landed a great job but my marriage was already suffering from the roller coaster of life and work. Our dreams to start a family was looking pretty bleek. Then I got into a bad accident... I was lucky I wasnt seriously hurt or dead and no one else was hurt but my company fired me for it. Now my job history looks like shit and no one will even give it a second look even though every job I had I worked my ass off to the bone. My wife and I separated because we fought all the time. I finally get my head and my heart in the right place. Full of love and hope. I come back to my wife only to find she has already left me for our landlord. What a piece of shit... I dedicated my whole life for my marriage, I been through so much shit in 3 years. I feel like I no longer have a purpose. I hate my job, it is not my passion. I'm in debt and don't know if I'll ever get out. Im alone and want to die. All the things I found pleasure in no longer are pleasurable to me nor do I have any desire. I dont give a shit about myself or my life. I cant start over, people my age have already settled down. I have not accomplished anything I can build upon. The one accomplishment I was so proud of (my marriage) is fucking over. Once I was a confident man. My self esteem now is ZERO. I really want to blow my brains out. Theres nothing more defeating than to put your heart and soul into something only to continue to fail and fail and fail... hard work pays off and things will get better. Fuck not for me. Makes me wonder what the point is to continue. Dreams are living nightmares now. I eat like shit hoping that i'll eventually die of a heart attack. Or maybe I'll take a stroll through the bad part of town, piss someone off then maybe they'll fill me full of bullets. Theres a couple of idea's for ya. Not painless though. Yeah I shouldnt bitch, I dont have a fucked up medical condition nor do I live in physical pain. Hell Id give my healthy body to someone else if I could. I just want out of the fucked up world. People are greedy inconsiderate assholes. Fucking politicians think only of their party. Corporations dont give a fuck about you, just their profit margins. People killing each other over DUMB ASS beliefs. WHAT... THE... FUUUUUUUCK! The world IS beautiful but it is filled with so many fucked up people who I must share this planet with... fuck them. Upstate Tom

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  147. But, what it you just don't want to live? What if you're tired, you've had enough, you've been there, done that, you're 69/70 yrs old. This is not fun. I never wanted to live to this age to begin with. I hate being "old". I hate it! What's good about it? Not a thing. I'm just tired of doing this day after day and I want out. I think suicide is probably out, but now I'm considering hiring someone to kill me. The only problem is how to pay them. And you can imagine the other problems with this.

    Anyway, some of us really DO want to end this. What about us?

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  148. As I sit here my thoughts are racing. I am absolutely petrified beyond words of what the future holds. I know and have heard that we should live in the here and now, but that is not working for me and I do not need quotes I need advice.

    Each and everyday I wake up and realize that I have absolutely nothing to offer this world or anybody else. I feel like all I do is make mistake after mistake. Why can't I just be happy? Why is it so hard?

    The past few years have been difficult. I've lost friends to death, have gone through a divorce, lost 2 jobs, my driving license and now my boyfriend who is also my best friend (so I thought) is starting to push me away. These are all circumstances, but what it boils down to is that I cannot picture myself happy anymore. This past fall I thought that there was a glimmer of happiness but I was wrong.

    I think about killing myself on a daily basis many times throughout the day and have two previous albeit unsuccessful attempts. I actually picture the world being a happier place without me.

    I don't know how you can be happy alone.

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  149. I liked this a lot. My wife had an affair and I am looking out a seven story window. I'm not going to jump but sure would love to end this pain. But I have kids and I still love my wife very dearly although she's an asshole.

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  150. I really just want my life back. I'm tired of everything spiralling out of control.

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  151. Totally useless information.
    Broke, Shut-in, Disabled, No friends (I've been to all their funerals), No transportation (I live in a rural no public transportation area). Oh for JOY, for JOY. I should be counting my good fortune and blessings?
    Done the Shrink thing only to be prescribed anti-depressants and then summarily cut off by changes in ownership, forcing me to go cold turkey off of them. This has happened TWICE, BOTH BY PUBLIC HEALTH CENTERS (I'm on Medicaid). The Mental Health Field is a JOKE at best and are not interested in people, only profits and paychecks. Remember TWICE?
    After over 60 years on this piece of orbiting debris, I have learned that things never get better, only worse. The best years are in your 20s then it's the slow decent. If you have sudden severe debilitating health issues (like myself), the decent suddenly gets turbocharged.
    My current methodology has been to just stop taking my heart, BP, lung meds, pain meds, oxygen, etc. and to stop struggling to make doctor appointments (4 months so far). IF I can't find a speedy solution then at least this may shorten the bullshit.
    This note is NOT actually for you but rather for others who are looking for REAL solutions, not Pollyanna rhetoric and money grubbing click-thru ads.

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  152. Funny how i first thought "this guy cant help me" and then..i continued read. So,i am taking. my medication and then i shall go to sleep. Thank you

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  153. 2011 was brutal for me

    i got laid off, my partner left me for my "friend" and her little friends bullied and harassed me constantly

    in november 2011 i crashed my car into another car and lost my car, my license and they're trying to charge me criminally

    in january 2012 because of the car accident i got a head injury and couldnt stop crying on the street, the cops were called and they ended up misunderstanding me and pushing me on the ground, fracturing my left tibia

    all this and i am 32, female, gorgeous talented etc

    all this cause my "friend" wanted my ex partner So bad (she was 35, addicted to coke and knew how to get others against me and string him in)

    so yeah. now its july and to avoid homelessness in the city i was in, i have purchased a train ticket with my welfare check and stopped off to stay with my brother and his wife for a few days, and now i am headed to BC

    going to try to work back in my career (which i hate) but i need money

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  154. I like your concept of "one step at a time". That's seems to be working for me the best right now. I'm going to tell a story, because one other thing that works for me is just getting my feelings out there - ANYWHERE - so they don't just sit inside and eat me up. Is that cool if I share my pain?

    Recently, I've just hit a low - I believe my lowest of lows. What really gets me is women and what people consider to be "love", which is something I've never experienced. I just don't get it. I am not ugly, mean, or bad at anything - I've just never been able to find a relationship or someone who cares about me in that way. And all I do (and I am truly sincere when I say this) is give myself to people. I give them everything I can. And every time I get close to someone, they just rip my heart out.

    For example, the most recent occasion was I was getting pretty close to a girl - and I unintentionally started to really like her. She even asked me to be her business partner - a business we're both passionate about (helping musicians become touring, professional musicians), her social partner, and the way she looked me in the eye made me feel good about myself. I really couldn't avoid liking her the way I did.

    Then, within the last week she shows up with a guy and he goes home with her, is staying with her, and is consequently going on a 3-week trip with her... It tore me apart. The worst part is that this is not the first time a woman that I've cared about just decided to switch gears out of the blue. The worst worst part about it is that this one was by far the worst bomb drop ever (and I've even walked into a room where a girl I've cared about is having sex with my best friend). In retrospect, she was pretty sketchy about being honest with a lot of things...it's hard to avoid that sometimes when someone makes you feel that special...

    But it tore me apart - that and a lot of other things like hitting "writer's block", having loads of unpaid hours each week at work, and having a band break-up. I've never really truly considered suicide until now. But I've never found love - never had a woman who I could at least hold once or kiss once. I haven't felt the warm touch of a woman for a long, long time. And I don't get it. I'm nice, I'm sincere, I'm not terribly bad-looking, I have confidence (well...had until this last week)...

    But your article has really helped me find ways to get out of this terrible mindset. I just gotta take it one day at a time.

    - travis

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  155. HI Roger and 2 all that are reading this blog.

    Your story Roger is my story, successful guy that ended up loosing everything with the exception that I sacrificed everything to take care of my family and ended up loosing myself and everything else.

    You are correct that going out,Cafe's Mc Donalds,Deneys...and sitting talking to others can help.

    Unfortunately many agency's that should be helping, aren't.

    Whenever I used to find myself in a dark corner, I always went back to my roots, (church) and prayers but I guess God is not listening this time,my heart is still heavy and I in this cycle of never ending corridors.

    Cj

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  156. i have read it, and it is truly a nice story..
    but i did not find what i am actually looking for...
    i really want a way out...
    since i have no terminal sickness or anything else to apply for a euthanasy shot, i need to find another way...

    i know a few people will be hurt indeed, but they'll get over it...
    i know that sounds selfish... but it's not really gonna make a difference...
    i have been thinking of making an end to my life for a long time...
    this is the first time i google for it...
    and i will keep on looking...
    it might take a long time to come up with a good way... where i inflict as less as possible emotional damage to the people around me...

    do not think i am depressed... cos i am not..
    i just dont see anymore why i should go on...
    life is not good... for me...

    i'll probably not come back to this page...

    i do hope people will follow up on your story...

    and yes, it does feel good to write it down...
    and i feel a little better...
    but the thought of suicide has not left my mind...

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  157. Hi! cant thankyou enough for this post of yours. This is my first visit to your blog and I’m touched. I never thought anybody could make me feel like this . Its like you know exactly what I’m going through as if you understand me . Its just amazing . I especially like the lines-“My favorite B.B. King song line was, ‘Nobody loves me but my mother, and she may be jivin' too.’ Then my mother died - nobody loved me.”Those lines made me cry and I’m still crying.My mother died too and I miss her a lot . She was my world and in a way she still is . Her death is the reason I don’t feel like living anymore . Just want to be with her . And yes I do have people around me who love me with their whole heart but I don’t want them I want her . Don’t tell me I’m being unreasonable I already know that but can’t help it . I really can’t talk about it with anyone . Its like as if I’m just stuck with this life of mine . I can’t commit suicide because it will kill others but sometimes I do get desperate. I know this pain will never go away but just want to wish you a good life with good health, happiness and most importantly with hope. Take care !

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