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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Only Women Drivers Do This And It Drives Me Nuts

Some women should not be on the road.
Since I started driving, I have logged an incredible amount of miles on the road. About twenty years ago, I started to notice something that happened over and over, and it was maddening. Only women drivers do this and it drives me nuts.

What I am about to say is not the result of some weekend observation. When I was a stand-up comic (1989-1997), I drove about 50,000 miles a year for seven of those years. I've also had other jobs that required me to do a lot of driving. I totaled up my odometers from all of the cars I've owned and I estimate that I've driven over 567,000 miles in my lifetime. That is the equivalent of driving around the world at the equator 22.8 times. Only truckers and other road-hardened comics can best that kind of mileage.

Part of driving survival is becoming an extremely good defensive driver, because there are a lot of fools on the road. You have to be aware of what is ahead of you, next to you and behind you.

When you drive that much, you see a lot of moronic things. There is the person with the turn signal on for twenty-two miles on the Interstate. It's clicking left, and there are no exits on the left.

You see people who missed their exit on the freeway and they determine the best solution is to back up into oncoming traffic, so they can get to the ramp.

There are the daredevils that have no idea an 80,000 pound truck cannot stop on a dime, but they cut in front of the massive car crusher at the last second to get a better place at a light or in slowing traffic. I especially love it when these jack-offs do it on icy roads.

You have to love the people that are so clueless they never spotted the giant flashing arrow to merge left that you can see from a mile down the road. They drive up to it, stop, put on their turn signal and then expect someone to let them in. And eventually, someone slams on their brakes to let dunderhead in and we all have to slam on our brakes to accommodate the air head parked in front of the massive flashing sign. This happens with construction merge signs, accidents, police cars with flashing light s on and semi-trucks that have all of their lights flashing. A boob will always drive right up behind the obstruction and then start thinking about options.

Another thing that annoys me are the people who pull along side you on the freeway and maintain the same speed as you. On a two lane freeway, that gives you no options, if something happens. You can't go to the lane the car is in, so you have to head for the guardrail or the ditch. I will break all speed limits to get away from someone like this. They obviously haven't seen multi-car pile ups like I have and they don't understand - exit strategy. 

Good defensive driving also requires that you stay aware of what is behind you. I tend to drive fast. Speed limits are friendly suggestions to me. However, no matter how fast I drive, there is always an Indy racer that is going faster. If you're not looking in your rear view mirror and gauging the speed of the oncoming bullet, Rocket Man will put your trunk in your ass and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself for not looking.

Then, in urban neighborhoods, you have to watch for people that suddenly double park and block an entire side of the street. I know they're the only people on the road and I'm completely out of line for honking.

And there are the people who think the speed limit is a goal to aspire to at some point later in their lifetime, but not now. They're taking it slow.

I got in an accident on an ice covered road because of one of these idiots. I was rounding the infamous "Deadman's Curve" in Cleveland on a snowy night. Black ice covered the road. In those conditions, you can only round the curve at about 30 to 35 miles an hour. After I got through the curve, I started to accelerate. I couldn't have been going faster than 45 or 50 when an absolute moron pulls from the on-ramp in front of me going about 20. I jerked the wheel to the left to avoid him/her and was headed for the concrete wall. I jerked the wheel to the right and flew by the guy going sideways, where I slapped into the back of another car. Moron went crawling along and missed the whole thing. Never stopped. Just kept going, clueless that he/she was a road hazard.

Where I live now, I call it "The Land Of The Imaginary School Zones." There are tons of drivers that are more than happy to just drag along going 20 in a 35 mph speed zone. I don't know what they're up to, but I have places to go. Get the F**K off the road. You can walk faster than that.

Back to the women. As I mentioned, in all of the driving I've done, I've only seen women do this and it is dangerous and it drives me absolutely crazy. When I see this move pulled, I can guarantee it is a woman, and sure enough it is.

When you're driving down a city street that has traffic lights, you should be aware of all of the cars around you in however many lanes there are. Obviously, the most important car to watch is the one directly in front of you.

Here is what happens. When you're approaching a light that has turned yellow and will turn red, all of the brake lights start coming on. In a normal situation, all of the cars will gradually stop and be about three feet to ten feet apart. That is the normal way that traffic flows in our society. But some women operate outside of the normal flow of traffic. They start slowing down and then come to an abrupt stop one to two car lengths behind the car in front of them, which forces me to slam on my brakes. I was anticipating they would drive up and stop the normal distance from the car in front of them.

Now, experience has taught me that most women prefer not to take it up the ass, but these select women are asking for it. I have no idea what they are thinking. Why would you stop 30 or 40 feet from the car in front of you? I've never seen a guy do this, unless he's on a motorcycle.

Some bikers have this annoying habit of downshifting into first gear about 100 feet from the stopped car in front of them and creeping at two miles an hour up to the car, so they don't have to come to a complete stop and put their feet down. They try to coast along, hoping the light will change and they can rev up their engine and hit second gear. These guy are asking for it, too.

But, time and time again, I'll see a car way back from the rest of the stopped cars and it is a woman. They come in all colors, shapes, ages and sizes. I can't nail it to one group, like old ladies. The grannies I might understand. But there are soccer moms in mini-vans that will do it, hot chicks in convertibles will do it, teen girls with all their girlfriends in the back seat will do it.

I'm sure some of these women have been plowed into and can't believe what just happened.

Another thing that is less common, and men sometimes do it, but women are the worst offenders for this one. They pull up to a red light and are planning on turning right. They look, and once they've determined the coast is clear, they pull forward. As the driver behind them, I start moving forward and looking for oncoming traffic. Suddenly, the person (usually a woman) who had started to make their turn, freaks out and just stops, which causes me and everyone behind me to slam their brakes to the floorboards.

My former step-daughter pulled this move the first day she was driving. The person behind her slammed into her and knocked the bumper off her dad's car. Fortunately, she was with her dad.

My former step-daughter got in a head-on collision a few months later when she was coming down a hill and the light was yellow. She started to slow down and then at the last second decided to try and make the light. The guy coming in the opposite direction with his left turn signal on noticed the light changing and spotted her slowing down, so he felt it was safe to make his left turn. Nope. My former step-daughter totaled both cars. The best part of all of that was my wife had just moved out two weeks earlier and my step-daughter was no longer on my insurance. The guy driving the truck sued them and won a huge settlement from the insurance company. Glad I'm not paying for those rates.

When driving, you have to be defensive. But you also have to realize if you are part of the flow or if you are plaque in the arteries of life - clogging everything up. If you just drive like the rest of the people, everything would be fine. But only women drivers do this stupid move and it drives me nuts.

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1 comment:

  1. I was a truck driver for over 8 yrs. The strangest thing I saw was a woman eating Lasagna in the middle of rush hour traffic on a Friday on the Captial Beltway in WASHIGTON D.C.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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