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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Donated My Brain To Science And Now I Want It Back

Not having a brain sure does make life interesting.
Last Thursday, I thought I would do something that would benefit mankind. At the time, it seemed like a good thing to do. But it has turned out to be a huge mistake. I donated my brain to science and now I want it back

The brain-ectomy, which was done in the parking lot of the Natural Science Museum, went smoothly. My brain was removed by two scientists and a janitor using a can opener, grill tongs, duct tape and jumper cables. I think the jumper cables were just for their amusement because they were connected to my nipples and the battery of a Chevy pickup.

Once I was all taped up, I headed home. Immediately I noticed changes, not having a brain. First, I got all nervous that I had forgot to Tivo Jerry Springer, so I programmed in a week's worth of recordings.

Then, I went through the paper looking to invest in a mobile home. Why live in a house when you can own your own mobile home?

I also had a sudden urge to go to bars and sleep with ugly women, in hopes of impregnating them. Without a brain, I'd be a horrible father, so I could just ditch the women and never pay child support.

After having no luck at the bar at 3 in the afternoon, I went to Blockbuster to rent Dumb and Dumber and the complete Jackass series.

When I got home, I put some microwave popcorn in the oven and set it at 350ยบ for 40 minutes.

While I was waiting for the popcorn, I went on YouTube to watch all the Fred videos I could. He's funny.

After I smelled the popcorn burning, I rushed to the kitchen to put out the fire. Oh well. But I was still hungry. So, I tried to suck yogurt out of a Yoplait container and only succeeded in getting a glob to lodge in my throat. Thank God I had that hammer to whack myself in the back with, otherwise, I would have choked to death.

I can't figure out why it hurts so much to sit back in my chair. 

Still hungry, I headed to the grocery store and picked up five cans of chili. You should see the sparks that come off of those cans when you microwave them.

To simplify my life, I tore up my library card. What could I possibly want there?

After all of my food failures, I went to Wal-Mart, looking for solutions. Besides picking up an entire camo-outfit and a super-soaker water cannon, I realized I could live on frozen food from Wal-Mart for the rest of my life. And I know that all of those items are microwavable.

When I got home with my new camo-outfit and super-soaker cannon, I got dressed, filled the cannon with water and went to see if I could sneak up on the hornet's nest in my backyard. You should have seen those suckers come tearing out of that nest when I blasted them. However, the camo outfit didn't keep me concealed and I got 32 bee stings before I jumped in a stagnant muddy puddle in my neighbors backyard.

Feeling a big swollen, I decided to fix one of the frozen dinners from Wal-Mart. Salisbury steak looked good. I put it in the microwave and set the timer for 18 minutes, then went to watch some Springer on my Tivo.

After about 10 minutes, I smelled something funny, but I thought it was from the stench of the camo outfit.

Finally, I heard the beep, beep, beep of the microwave and was ready to dig in. Maybe I should have read the directions. Everything on the tray was black and solid. It didn't work out too bad, I've been able to play hockey in my driveway with the Salisbury steaks.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for a call back on the mobile home and watching Springer.

That's when I realized I should Tivo America's Funniest Videos. You can't get enough of guys getting whacked in the nuts and cats falling off of counters.

After three days, I really started to miss my brain. I used to look up interesting things on Google and learn about what was going on in the world. I'd watch PBS and be exposed to new ideas and the plight of people all over the world. But without a brain, none of that seemed important.

When the cooking all backfired, I started living on dollar menu items at the fast food places. They can't be that bad for you. I know I'm getting enough to eat because I had to let my belt out after just a couple days.

As wonderful as this brainless life seems on the surface, I really miss my brain. I want to have intelligent conversations instead of making weird noises with my finger on my lips every time I meet someone. They think I'm nuts. I'm not crazy. I'm just brainless.

This whole experiment has gone haywire. And it's all my fault. I donated my brain to science, and now I want it back.

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1 comment:

  1. I enjoyed that piece. Clearly you did not have a brain because nobody rents from Blockbuster anymore when much more convenient online options are available such as Netflix.


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