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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Michigan Adopts Controversial Official State Map | Google Hand® Is Forthcoming

"I stay at Jackson. Next to that dry patch of skin."
(Lansing, Michigan) In a surprise move today, the Wolverine State governor, Rick Snyder, stated in a very quickly held press conference, "Michigan will adopt a new official map for the state. We will use the right palm as our official state map. You can disregard whatever AAA has, your right hand is all you need in this fine state." After the rushed announcement, he refused to take questions and left immediately. Two hours after the press conference, Google announced that Google Hand® is forthcoming and should be available soon.

What people outside of Michigan don't know is that every time someone from Michigan is asked what city they live in, they immediately raise their right hand and point to a spot on their palm and say, "I live here." Old guys in Florida do the same thing, but they usually get 90 days for showing you the Florida Keys without warning. Just hope they don't live in Pensacola, because they have to drop their pants to show you that.

The new official state map is not all that is strange in Michigan.

Since Rick Snyder (R) took over the governorship in January of 2011, he has had nothing but problems, angering residents with his dictatorial style of governing. His Tea Party mentality has him on the verge of being tossed into the Lake Michigan.

A grassroots effort to force a recall election is underway and it should not be a problem for state residents to accumulate the necessary 800,000 signatures. "We're actually going to shoot for 1.4 million signatures, just to show 'Rick The Dick' how much we hate him," said one angry voter.

"He's freakin' incompetent," said 200,000 unemployed auto-workers in unison.

According to April 2011 employment data, Michigan ranks 6th nationwide in unemployment at 10.2%. Nevada leads the nation at 12.5%, followed by California (11.9%), Rhode Island (10.9%), Florida (10.8%) and Mississippi (10.4%).

Attracting industry and jobs has been rough for Michigan. The Michigan Economic Development Center came up with the slogan, "Michigan. Getting The Upper Hand" - which many credulous residents, disgruntled by unfriendly business tax laws, have mocked by saying, "Michigan. Getting The Upper Hand Upside Yo Head, Sucka."

From 2000 to 2010, the population of Detroit has dropped 25%. On average, 65 residents have left the Motor City every day during that 10 year span.

Another startling statistic is that children under the age of 18 have decreased in the state by 250,000 or 9.7% between 2000 and 2010. It seems that children are just packing up and leaving their unemployed parents behind. "We'd rather walk to Wisconsin and live off of foraged cheese than stay in Michigan," said one five-year-old.

Governor Rick Snyder - not for long.
Governor Snyder has also been criticized about his extreme lack of experience and his competency is being questioned. Most voters wonder if he understands the gravity of the position he is in.

Shortly after taking office, Snyder was asked by reporters what was the preferred and correct moniker for people in the state: Michigander, Michiganian or Michiganite? Snyder responded, "Future residents of Indiana," and laughed. He was pummeled by Chinese made spark plugs and had to evacuate the press conference under armed guard.

Snyder also came up with a controversial residential retention campaign with the odd slogan, "Hey, Where Ya Goin'?"

For the past few years, Michigan's Tourism Board used the slogan, "Pure Michigan." Snyder changed it to, "I-90 Does Have Exits."

Snyder also proposed letting the Upper Peninsula (U.P.) secede from the state and become part of Canada, and then surrounding the remaining hand-like portion of the state with a 12-foot high fence to keep residents in. "Sooner or later we'll find these bastards jobs. In the meantime, they can work on the fence. I'm told that huge public works projects put an unnecessary strain on our state's budget, but I can't make change for a fifty, so build, baby, build. Sarah Palin gave me that idea."

Strangely, the only thing Snyder has done that has pleased voters is to adopt the right palm as the official state map. "We all understand that," said a resident that lived near the tip of the middle finger.

"Yeah, it's so damn simple. You put yer hand up and point. Everyone knows what the hell you're talking about," exclaimed a man whose right arm was missing.

"We're pretty excited about Google jumping on board. Google Hand® should be fun. Whenever we can afford to buy a computer or one of those smartphones, we'll be thrilled to use it,' stated a man wearing a University of Michigan T-shirt. "But we still hate Snyder," he added. "The only thing Snyder has going for him is Jim Tressel quitting as football coach at Ohio State. Those flat-lander Buckeye assholes have kicked our ass 9 out of the last 10 years. Tressel covering up the discount tattoos his players got was the best thing that could have happened to this state. If Snyder can get the Pistons to win three games in a row, we'd be pretty damn happy with that, too."

Residents of the Wolverine State are bearing their teeth and don't look like they've been fed in a while. Rick Snyder is fresh meat and his political career in Michigan could end soon. However, the fact that Michigan will adopt the right palm as the official state map has residents pleased. Google Hand® should be available as a free download in three to six months, said a Google spokesman.

Michigan adopts controversial official state map. Google Hand® is forthcoming. 

So, when in Michigan - talk to the hand. You'll at least know where you're going.

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