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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Blind People Love Me And My Blog. Plus, The Cure If YOU AIN'T FUNNY

Who is this sign for?
I'm the type of person who will talk to anyone. I am drawn like a young boy to porno when I see someone with a potential story. If you have a nice suit on, you're probably boring as hell. However, if you have a spike in your forehead, "We need to talk." I really like people that are blind. Why? Because blind people love me and my blog.

WAIT A MINUTE! How can a blind person like your blog? Is it available in braille? What's the catch there, Roger?

This story has its roots over 35 years ago. When I was attending college at Cleveland State University, there was a student lounge called the Shire. It offered a variety of trans fat laden menu items and BEER. Back then, trans fats were our friends. But the beer was the big draw on campus.

In Ohio, we had this thing called 3.2 beer, aka 3-2 beer. It was sold to anyone 18 and up. You had to wait until 21 to get real beer that wasn't a bladder workout. What made this beer special? Its alcohol content was 3.2%. You had to drink a case to get a buzz and you'd be peeing as you were drinking the swill - but it was BEER! At 18, that's a big deal.

I don't even know if 3-2 beer exists anymore. But students would flock to the Shire between classes to catch a cold one and start clogging their arteries at an early age. Grease, good. Yum.

One of the friends I developed by hanging out at the Shire was a blind student named Bill. We all called him "Blind Bill," and he never seemed to mind.

I used to spend hours talking to Blind Bill. Between beers and bantering with Blind Bill, I sold pot to the students that had important tests coming up. I think a few of them are janitors around Cleveland now.

But Bill would wait for me to show up every day and he loved talking with me. One day, he confessed. "Roger, the reason I love talking to you so much is that you talk in color." I asked him what he meant by that. "You paint such rich pictures with your stories and your normal conversation style. I can see everything you're talking about. You're the most interesting person I've ever talked to here or anywhere else for that matter." WOW. Kind of humbling.

That's been my trademark throughout life, I'm a raconteur that knows how to turn a phrase and either get you to pay attention or make you laugh until you pee yourself. Many years later, I wound up as a stand-up comic, touring the country and settled in Las Vegas. I worked the comedy clubs in the Entertainment Capital Of The World. I was that good. (Still am, even though I'm not performing). My stage is my blog. I can do things on the blog that I could never do on stage.

I can be flat out funny and hilarious, but I can also tackle topics I feel passionate about - mental illness, Alzheimer's Disease, abolishing the Death Penalty, feeding the poor, protecting children, safe surfing for all my friends and followers on the Internet and a host of other topics. I like to write things that are funny, but have the truth hidden as the foundation. If I can make you laugh about killing people, then I'm pretty good.

So, here we are in the present day and back to your question at the top, "How the hell are blind people enjoying your blog?"

Well, I've had a number of emails from people who have a blind friend or relative. They told me that they read my blog posts to their friend or relative. Just because they're blind doesn't mean that they lost their sense of humor or their ability to comprehend a controversial subject.

I've had testimonials, "My dad laughed so hard, you nearly killed him." Yes, the blog is mightier than the sword.

Try it. If you have a friend that is visually challenged, offer to read them a blog post. You know your friend, pick out something they might like. You don't have to pick a funny post, either. Just read to your friend or relative that cannot do it for themselves. Elderly people love it when you read to them. Love it. Love it. Love it. Why? Because we were all nurtured with stories from our parents or relatives. Children's books could be read to us a hundred times and we were still excited to wait for the ending, as if we had no idea what was next. It's in our DNA - stories. And I'm the king of stories. I have about 400 stories on a list that I am dying to write. However, every day I come up with six new ideas, write about 3 to 5 of them here and have to sleep for a couple hours before I can start writing again.

I'm proud to say that this blog serves people with all sorts of handicaps, diseases and mental illnesses. You have to read my piece on Alzheimer's Disease, if you have someone you love that is in the early stages of ALZ. You have to read my post about the frustrations of living in a wheelchair for those with mobility issues. If you or someone you know has a mental illness, you'll either get advice on how to find a path to recovery or you'll understand the true suffering that your friend or relative goes through. Yup, it's all right here. (I'll give you plenty of links at the bottom, so you can see what I'm talking about.) I also am one of the few sites on the Internet that specifically offers multiple solutions for one of the most prevalent disabilities in our society today - the comedically challenged. In other words, the YOU AIN'T FUNNY people of the world. You might be one of them and I'm speaking to you. Stick with me, I'll cure you.

Most people think they are funny and good in bed. Most are wrong on both counts. I'm excellent on both counts. I have testimonials and have been paid handsomely for my skills, and then I'm pretty funny, too.

If you're the type of person that tells jokes like this...

A guy walks into a bar.... wait, wait, wait.... it's a whorehouse.... no, no, no.... it's a cowboy.... wait... maybe it's not a cowboy.... yeah, it is a cowboy.... OK, this cowboy walks into a whorehouse and the voice behind the door says, "What, again?"

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha - "Isn't that the damnedest funniest joke you ever heard?"

"NO. It makes no damn sense."

"Then I guess it was just a guy and not a cowboy."
If you can blow a simple classic like that one, God obviously forgot to give you a Funny Bone. Some people are born without arms or legs. You are S.O.L. when it comes to funny. Sorry, you got no bone.

I have a big bone. And I'll share it with you.

Try this. Find a post on this blog that makes you pee your pants. If you think reading this stuff in your head is funny, try reading it to someone. If your wife loves you but knows you can't cook or make funny and you suck in bed, then let come to your rescue. Read the post that made you laugh the most to your spouse, girlfriend, sister - whoever knows that YOU AIN'T FUNNY. This is the equivalent of being able to select and pair the right wine with dinner at an expensive restaurant. All you have to do is uncork me on your doubters. I'll carry the load. I can MKE YOU FUNNY - just by having you read my stuff. Only I have the power to do this. So, stop reading dopey comics from the back of the newspaper to your doubters - those are the 3-2 beer of funny. I'm the hard stuff. You need an I.D. to get my 100 proof stuff.

I've read my posts to my sister, niece, friends, etc. They die laughing. And I'm just reading my stuff.

All you have to do is read it with a straight face. You can't crack up at "your own jokes" (wink). Just read the story in a fluid manner. Not a lot of inflection is needed. I know YOU AIN'T FUNNY, so don't try to get tricky. Stick to the script, straight delivery, no costumes, no funny glasses with noses attached, no laughing and see what happens. Your audience will roar. Although, you must know that not everyone has the same sense of humor. Comedy is subjective. But if you and your spouse, life partner, fiancee or hostage seem to laugh at the same things, then you're half way there.

Most of my stuff is squeaky clean. There are a few "shits" in there and a rare "F-word", but it fits and I had to use it in those circumstance. Give me a break, I used to work nightclubs where anything goes. I've used every dirty word imaginable on stage - sparingly - but through 3,000 shows and 9 years on the road they all came out.

So, your assignment is simple. Find someone to read one of my posts to. They could be family or a friend. If they're blind or visually challenged, better yet. Try it. You'll be recognized as being the one that knows where the really good stuff is on the Internet. And if you're computer challenged and you got this far, just bookmark the site and quit surfing porn, pretending to be looking for jokes and things that are funny.

I'm telling ya, this will work. Your family will be impressed by your comedic prowess. Your friends will start to think you're ready for your own sit-com. You'll even get better in bed.

Yes, a lot of people love me. More tell me so every day. But I'm so proud that blind people love me and my blog.

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