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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Why Men Hate Decorative Toilet Seat And Lid Covers.

I swear I'll pee on Santa's face.
A toilet serves one purpose - a place to put stuff your body does not want. You poop, pee or puke in toilets. They are not furniture and should not be treated that way. Here is why men hat decorative toilet seat and lid covers. 

Decorating toilets is strictly a "women" thing. When men decorate a toilet, it requires bleach and industrial disinfectants to remove the decorations.

I am one of those consistently conscientious guys. I always lift the seat if I am standing up in front of the toilet - even if I don't have to pee. All I know is, "STANDING IN FRONT OF TOILET - LIFT SEAT." My mother and ex-wives trained me well.

However, when I happen to be at the home of a home decorating fanatic with a crack problem and the toilet is adorned with fluffy animals, crocheted pictures of Ronald Reagan, covered in Amish quilting or has any other after-market parts added to the lid or the seat - you're asking for trouble.

I don't care if you put a breast cancer bumper sticker on your toilet lid, you have altered the factory specs for balance and functionality. That lid will not stay up. And it will fall when I'm peeing. Your warranty should be voided on the spot.

No toilet manufacturer in the world has add-on parts for the lid or the seat. That should be a hint.

These fluffy, stuffed, 3-D creations are put there by women who don't own a camera and can't scrapbook or are craft show junkies. The junkies have a lot of weird candles that leak all over the place and smell worse than what comes out of my body, but blended with apple and lavender. They also have a lot of handmade macrame hanging plant holders and earth shoes - junk they bought in the 70's.

It's physics and geometry. The lid and seat stay up because in the upright position they are at an angle slightly more than 90 degrees and lean against the tank - perfectly.

When you ladies add your cute handmade creations to the lid or the seat, you offset the angle. It is 85 degrees or less. According to Newton and the Law of Gravity, the lid and seat will fall.

I've tried to do the noble thing and hold it up with my hand, but then I'm leaning at a weird angle and I usually pee on my shoes. I've tried to use my foot and hold the seat up, but then I'm off balance and I wind up spraying the walls - nowhere near the toilet.

Now you know why men hate decorative toilet seat and lid covers. Deal with it.

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1 comment:

  1. It's naive to think that many women put lid covers on for purely decorative purposes. Many employ this measure to prevent men from leaving up the lid. While a woman might tell you once "don't leave the lid up", if you continue the behavior, she's likely to find alternative measures to stop you. We can be sneaky and nonconfrontational, unlike men who tend to be more aggressive and confrontational. We act aloof when you complain, but in reality, we just laugh to ourselves because it's a little form of retribution after falling in the toilet a few times.


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