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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Wal-Mart Promises More Chinese Crap And Plan To Curb Obesity

Wal-Mart Shopper from .
Economists and health advocates were disgruntled and elated, respectively, when a spokesman for the world's largest retail chain said, "Wal-Mart promises more Chinese crap and a plan to curb obesity."

For years, Wal-Mart has buffaloed the American people by making them think that their goods were all American made, or at least assembled in America. If you've shopped at Wal-Mart lately, you'll see that everything is Made In China and the only thing that is American about Wal-Mart products are the trucks they come on.

Wal-Mart has successfully locked up the low end of the spectrum in the retail category. Low prices and lots of cheap crap drives sales.

Today, Wal-Mart said through one of its male spokesmen,"People love useless crap, utensils that break, furniture that falls apart - especially at a good price. We plan to up our shipment from China and have a greater selection of gaudy ceramic shit that wouldn't fetch a nickel at a garage sale. But we can run it out the door here for $4.99."

"Can you tell us about the plan to curb obesity?"

"Oh man, this is revolutionary. Just look around. We have a ton of lard asses shopping here. They're loyal to us because we've put all of our competitors out of business and they can't shop anywhere else - plus, we have low prices."

"Get back to the obesity plan."

"Yeah, it's freakin' great. We are going to install Limbo bars at either end of all of our junk food aisles. The bars should be about 4 feet high. The way it works is, if you can't limbo under the bar, you can't buy Twinkies, chips and candy."

"That sounds a bit weird."

"I know. We haven't figured out what to do with fat midgets. They'll just walk under the bar. We may have to have a greeter at each bar that will adjust it proportional to the person's actual height."

"Don't you think you'll incite a revolt?"

"Oh, we're scared shitless about the customers forcing themselves on the poles. However, they'll be made of high-grade Chinese steel, so they should hold back even the angriest mob."

"In the meantime, you ought to check out our clearance aisle. Who doesn't need a ceramic Santa Claus with a Menorah on his head? We also have some wilted bambo plants in a pot from last season. They got a little screwed up when we left them outside during the winter, but our people are not looking for quality. They just want to say, Check out my bamboo plant. We know their needs very well."

"All of this seems just too weird."

"Where the fuck do you think you are, buddy? You're at Wal-Mart. Take a look around. We have more freaks than a circus sideshow and it's all free. If your child ingests a poison, bring him here. Once he sees our shoppers, he'll lose his lunch and all that bad poison. Then, if he can limbo, he can get some chips."

The retail giant hits the mark with one idea and takes a risk with another as Wal-Mart promises more Chinese crap and a plan to curb obesity.

Related article: Fat People Plan March But Cancel Due To Lack Of Conditioning

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1 comment:

  1. How can WalMart curb obesity when they have a McDonald's in the one here? Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.


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