|If you LIE on a job interview, you get the good jobs.|
A big lie requires preparation. You have to have a fake resume, chock full of the best lies you can think up. If you're going down the path of deceit, cut a wide swatch and hope no one catches on.
Once I had my Golden Resume prepared, I made an appointment with an employment counselor, a headhunter, a get me the CEO job kind of guy.
On the day of my interview, I put on the best suit I had and borrowed some real ties from a mannequin at Target. I forgot, though, to cut the elastic off the shoes I walked out of Wal-Mart with, so I had to walk very slowly.
I met with my headhunter, big job guru, a guy with all the connections. He was slick and sassy. His hair was slick and sassy. His suit was slick and sassy. Even his desk was slick and sassy. He spoke like a gay actor from a TV sitcom. Not just any gay actor, but a really haughty one. Uppity. The kind you'd expect to be connecting you with the really big jobs. But that didn't bother me.
"Mr. Blazic, is it?"
"Do you have a resume of, some sort?"
"Right here, sir."
"Pu-leeeeeeese, don't call me sir again. I'm not in the army. I paid a lot of money for this suit so I wouldn't look like I'm in a standard corporate uniform. If you will stop with the, SIR, I will take a moment to review your resume, which happens to be on a very poor choice of paper stock. You could make such a better impression if this was linen paper with a watermark of Lady Gaga."
"Yes, si.... ma'am.... Sorry... YES! How's that?"
"It will have to do."
"Does everything look in order?"
"My, my, Mr. Blazic. You have quite an impressive background. I see that you have five degrees from Harvard and Yale. A Doctorate in Third World Sports, a Masters in Revisionist History, another Masters in Whale Mating in Captivity for Blubber Harvesting - that is a unique one, another Doctorate in Pornography. Hmmmm. That seems odd. Don't you mean Doctorate in Psychology?"
"No, I studied pornography for 8 years. I did take 1200 hours of psyche courses along the way, though."
"1200 hours. Seems a bit much?"
"Well, if you really want to enjoy, I mean, understand pornography, you need to get your psyche up. Or, I mean, aroused. Can I start over?"
"No, that will be sufficient. Let's take a look at your work history. Hmmm. I see you have an equally impressive career path. Why don't you start with your last position and explain what you did there, your major accomplishments and why you left."
At this point, I tried to cross my legs, but the elastic on my shoes wouldn't let me lift my left foot up any higher than my mid-calf. I struggled with it for a bit and became distracted.
"Is everything alright, Mr. Blazic?"
"Yes, everything is just dandy. We can go on."
"You were about to tell me about your last position. Hmmmmm?"
"Yes...ah....Yes... Well, I was CEO of IBM for several years. I was responsible for putting the blue border on their commercials. It turned out to be brilliant. We branded "blue border" - now, anyone that uses a blue border is subconsciously communicating to the viewer, IBM. It's quite brilliant."
"Oh, yessss, I see where you're going with that. And I love that shade of blue. Go on. What else did you do at IBM?"
"We'd have big meetings with all of my staff and they'd ask me what to do. Being new to the tech industry, I really didn't know what to tell them. So I'd say at the meetings, "You're an IBM'er, you know what to do." That caught on and we came up with a lot of stuff and made that into a commercial,too. People loved being an IBM'er. Sent some kind of secret message to the creative parts of their brains. "
"You seem to have such a flair for innovations and marketing, all blended into one. What else?"
"When I got bored, I'd call all the lower level managers and say, "Watson, can you hear me?" and hang up. I did that for hours ever day."
"That's a bit odd, what came from that?"
"Have you seen Jeopardy?"
"Yes, those horribly dressed geniuses, that show?"
"You got it. Well, IBM came up with a super computer that competed on the game show and kicked everybody's butt. They named it in my honor, Watson."
"Another innovation, my God, you are amazing. Why did you leave?"
"I needed a break. After coming up with the blue borders, "I'm an IBM'er" and the Watson thing, I though my contributions were sufficient to seek a new challenge. And that's why I'm here."
"Oh, I can see how that must have drained you. Poor thing.... Well, tell me about the position you had before IBM."
"I was CEO of Crocs, you know, the ugly rubber shoe company."
"OMG, OMG, OMG, I might stop breathing. You were the one responsible for those hideous, smelly, atrocities?"
"No, I didn't invent them. I became CEO after they were already on the market. I thought if I could make a few bucks hustling ugly rubber shoes that were a hot fad in the market for a few years, I'd pack away a pretty penny and be on to something else."
"Oh, thank God. I'm so glad they weren't your idea."
"But I did put them in every mall in the world and even had kiosks."
"So, you didn't create HIV, you just spread it, hahahahahaha."
"Kinda like that."
"When did you leave? And why?"
"I could see rubber footwear was topping out. I cashed out my stock options at the top and jumped ship before the whole thing sunk to the bottom of the stock market."
"Brilliant. And did you take any shoes with you?"
"Oh, bravo, bravo. That shows excellent character traits. Your next employer will love that."
"And what did you do before the hideous shoe job?"
"I was an astronaut for NASA."
"An ASTRONAUT? How in the world did you get into the space program?"
"Well, it was all top secret. I didn't even know the missions I was on. They'd drug me and put me in a space capsule and shoot me into outer space for a couple days; then, bring me back. After that I'd spend 21 days with a team of doctors."
"So, you were allowing them to use your body for science to benefit all of mankind?"
"No. It took me 21 days to pass the kidney stone. Man, was that rough."
"Oh.... MY..... GOD.... My uncle just had a kidney stone. He cried like a baby the whole time."
"Sir, er, madam, er, YOU... Astronauts don't cry."
"REALLY? Oh, that must be so tough to keep all of those emotions inside."
"It wasn't hard. I was heavily sedated. I hallucinated a lot, but that comes with the territory."
"How long were you with NASA?"
"About 20 years, then they put me in Rehab. Rubber shoes made a lot more sense after coming out of Rehab."
"I can see exactly how all the dots are connecting here. This is just marvelous. What kind of pay are you looking for?"
"Well, since I've been around the block AND the earth, I think I'm in the Rap Mogul range."
"Ewwwwww... that might be a little steep. Do you have a second acceptable level?"
"What kind of residuals does Chachi get from Happy Days?"
"We could definitely work within that range. Honestly, I think flipping burgers at the Golden Arches would be a step up."
"Well, I don't want to undersell myself."
"When are you ready to begin?"
"I LIKE your spirit. I'll see how many corporations need a seasoned CEO and Astronaut. I'll get back to you soon,"
"Thank you for your time."
"Oh.... Thank Yooooooo. At first I thought you were a useless stiff, but my God, you have skills darling and we don't want them to go to waste. Besides, if I get you a job, I might want to take a ride on your rock-it ship, if you know what I mean."
"No. Quite frankly I'm clueless. I'm just glad I remembered everything I practiced on that resume. Thanks again. I'll wait for your call."
Now, that is how a great job interview should go. It's been a few weeks and I haven't heard from the guy, but I have faith. Obama is turning everything around and we're in three wars now instead of two, so you can already see some job growth in the military. I have faith.
So if you are unemployed and you haven't had any luck on those job interviews, Make a decision, "I have to LIE on a job interview." So LIE LARGE. ;)>
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