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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Tribe Fans Claim The Cleveland Indians Success Is A Hoax

Cleveland Indians outfielder Shin Shoo Choo
Cleveland Indians fans read the papers, hear the games on the radio and even see them on TV, but there is considerable doubt along the lakefront about the legitimacy of this year's baseball team. We found that Tribe fans claim the Cleveland Indians success is a hoax.

To get the real story, we felt we needed to hit the street and talk with fans ourselves.

Our first stop was at a bar on Kinsman Ave. We approached a man wearing a Cleveland Indians hat.

"Excuse me, sir."

"You ain't gonna take me beer, are ya?"

"No, we wanted to talk to you about the Cleveland Indians."

"Oh, for a second I thought you was the po-leese."

"No, we're not the police. But what do you think of the Indians this year."

"I'll tell ya. It ain't right what they be sayin'. Indians with the best record in all of baseball? Ain't that sum booshit. Who day think we is?"

We left the bar and headed to a pizza parlor on the west side of town. There, we spotted a man wearing a Cleveland Indians jacket.

"Excuse me, sir."

"You ain't gonna take my pizza, are ya?"

"No. Why would we take your pizza?"

"Those assholes in the city council are trying to ban trans fats and I just figured that pizza was next."

"Sorry, but you can eat your pizza. What do you think of the Tribe this year?"

"I can't believe they're putting on this conspiracy. I don't know how they got the papers and radio in on it - those two would be able to fake this pretty easy. But the TV looks kinda real. I think they got Pixar or somebody like that making up these games on TV. The Tribe sucks. We all know that. But somebody with a lot of money is trying to pull this crap over on us. We're a lot smarter than that."

Without any success, we moved to a donut shop on the east side of town. A man eating a donut and drinking coffee was wearing a Cleveland Indians T-Shirt. We decided to get his opinion.

"Sir, sir, could we ask you a few questions?"

"You're not going to take my donut, are you?"

"Why would we want your donut?"

"You know those shitheads in the city council are trying to ban trans fats. I don't need the food police in my life."

"No, sorry, go ahead and enjoy your donut."

"What did you want to ask me about?"

"This year the Cleveland Indians are having a phenomenal season. What do you think about it?"

"Well, I think it's just great. It's about time."

We were surprised to finally get a really positive reaction. "Tell us more about your thoughts on the Tribe."

"Well, they have the best record in baseball. They lead all of baseball in on-base percentage and team batting average. All these people that think their success is a hoax are nuts. I think they're just insane and they need to get on board with this team, go to the ballpark and support them. I'm so glad to see their plan worked."

"What plan was that?"

"Well, for two years, they've been secretly training aliens to play baseball in the minor leagues."


"Yeah, little green men. Then they pumped them full of steroids and built them into life-size real people. After that they used a cloning mechanism to make them look like the guys we had. This team is not a hoax. It's really happening. But it's all due to the aliens they cloned. All those other non-believers are out of their minds."

Speaking of out your mind, we went to a local psychiatric hospital and found a man wearing Chief Wahoo underwear.

"Sir, could we talk to you?"

"You're not going to take my meds, are you?"

"No, why would we want your meds?"

"They told me to never stop quitting these meds."

"Why is that?"

"Before I was on the medications, I went to a Cleveland Indians game and saw them come from behind and win. I started telling my friends that they were for real and we should all go to a game. That's when I wound up here. The doctor says if I stay on the meds, I'll realize that the Indians success is just a hoax, like everyone else thinks."

We had time enough for one more interview. We came upon a pimp on Prospect Ave. He was wearing a 40 lb. Chief Wahoo on a large gold chain around his neck. Before we could even speak, he backed up and said, "You ain't gonna take my ho's, are ya?"

"Why would we take your ho's?"

"You ain't vice?"


"Damn. You scared the shit outta me. I thought you was vice, for sure. So can I arrange a date for you gentlemen?"

"No, thanks. We wanted to talk to you about the success of the Cleveland Indians and what you think."

"It ain't makin' me no jack. People think this is all some kinda white man's hoax. People ain't comin' to the ballpark and business is down. I got plenty of ho's to go... and these are some really fine bitches. But ain't nobody around to feast on my ladies."

It seems that no one is buying the Tribe this year. Regardless of the TV, radio and newspaper reports, everyone thinks it's been faked and it's just one big practical jokes on the downtrodden fans in Cleveland. And that's why Tribe fans claim the Cleveland Indians success is a hoax.

Official Site of Cleveland Indians
Official Site of Major League Baseball

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