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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Teaching A Moron To Do Tequila Shots

Tequila can be a real killer.
This happened at a party back in the 1970's. I had a healthy Tequila habit at the time and I was proficient at slamming them back. A girl at the party wanted to learn how to pound down the harsh liquor the way I did. Within minutes, I was teaching a moron to do Tequila shots

Before I reached the age of 21, I was a heavy drinker. I drank shots of Tequila and chased them down with Highballs made of Windsor Canadian Whiskey and ginger ale.

When you drink a lot, you learn a few tricks of the trade. One of my skills was the ability to gulp a shot where it never even seemed to touch my tongue. I never used any of the sissy stuff with Tequila, the salt and lemon. I just hammered them back and moved on.

A friend of mine was having a party at his house. Since I was never carded at the state liquor store, I was assigned to buy the booze. At the time, Tequila Sauza was my Tequila of choice. It was smooth and went down pretty easy. El Toro and some of the other brands were just too nasty.

As I was downing my shots at the party, a pretty girl that I didn't know came up to me and said, "Would you teach me how to drink shots like you do. It looks fun." I thought that this could work out real well for me, especially if she had a number of shots.

She wanted to do all the foo-foo stuff. So, I showed her how to lick the crook of her left hand between the index finger and thumb, hold the shot glass with the same hand and hold a lemon wedge with the other hand.

Carefully, I went through the basic steps. I told her, "You have to bring the shot glass up to your lips. Touch it to your bottom lip. Then, with a coordinated move you would jerk your head back and toss the shot down your throat. Trust me, this will be painless."

For someone who has never had Tequila, that first shot is a memorable one. Your face will scrunch into something that looks like an over-dried prune, you'll let out a gasp and shake your head. I've seen it a zillion times. It's always kinda funny to see a Tequila virgin lose it on that first shot.

My student at the party had been drinking something else that night and I quickly surmised that she was not good at following directions. She giggled a lot, too.

We went through the instructions about twenty times. I had to drink about six shots as examples, just to keep her on track.

Finally, we reached the point of liftoff. However, she licked her fingers on her left hand and sprinkled the salt on her fingertips. She was also playing with the lemon a lot with her right hand.

I got her set up with a shot glass and we were locked and loaded (I know I was loaded). She held the shot glass in front of her mouth about an inch from her lips. Then, with a sudden move that did not include moving her head, she threw the Tequila into her eyes.

She started screaming and stuck her salt covered fingers into her eyes. More screaming. Then she dropped the lemon and tried to rub her eyes with her lemon soaked right fingers. The screams got louder. We had to grab her by the hair and use the dish sprayer on the sink to douse her face and eyes with water.

It took about ten minutes to get her calmed down. And, of course, she was really pissed off at me - even though she didn't do anything that I said.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. You're wasting your time teaching a moron to do Tequila shots.

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