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Monday, May 2, 2011

Satan Wants Osama Bin Laden To Get The Hell Out Of Hell

Osama Bin Laden not wanted in Hell.
Less than 24 hours after international terrorist Osama Bin Laden was killed by US special forces, he seems to have worn out his welcome in the netherworld. In an exclusive interview with the Prince of Darkness, Satan wants Osama Bin Laden to "Get the hell out of Hell."

Speaking with Satan, we asked him what the problem was.

"At first we thought Bin Laden would be a great addition to Hell. He's mean, ruthless and he might make be a devious player in our Thursday night card game and hot poker event. But, right from the get-go, he was a problem."

"In what way?"

"First off, he stinks like sheep shit. I said to him, Hey turbin-boy, when was the last time you changed your underpants and had a shower? He didn't answer."

"What else?"

"He didn't like the food. He's picky, picky, picky. He complained that everything was too well done. I told him, It's Hell, buddy, everything is overcooked."

"Besides the food, how did he get along with the other damned?"

"That was a another problem. In Hell, most of us keep to ourselves. We like to gnash our teeth and wail in private, only coming out for social activities. Bin Laden wanted to organize everyone against the Great Satan. I told him, America is not the Great Satan, I am! But he wouldn't give it up."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him, Look Osama buddy, give up the organizing, you're fuckin' dead. It's OVER!"

"How did he react to that?"

"He changed the subject and started complaining that his 88 virgins were being delayed and he wanted them right away."

"He's not supposed to get virgins in Hell."

"I know that. But this dumbass kept peaking around corners and started trying to hunt down his virgins. I told him, Look, Allah made that shit up just to get you dummies to kill yourselves and become martyrs to a mindless radical cause - I was behind that. There are no virgins in Hell. Lots of hookers. But they've all had their vaginas cemented shut. You have to stick with the only social activities we have here: hot potato, hot poker night, warm beer bash, hot coffee in your lap dance and a few other scorching games."

"When did he finally push you over the edge of the river Styx?"

"Hitler came to me all burned up. Bin Laden was driving him nuts about the burnt marshmallows at the campfire. And you know Hitler. He's rather unreasonable himself.

I even tried to get Jeffrey Dahmer to take a bite out of Bin Laden's anger. But Dahmer couldn't get past the smell of Bin Laden."

"What do you plan to do next?"

"I've been trying to get Allah on the phone. I've sent him emails and text messages. I want Allah to take him off our hands. Bin Laden did everything in Allah's name and I think he needs to take this festering boil out of Hell and make it a nicer place for people to suffer."

"Was Bin Laden a problem with anyone else?"

"Yeah, Orel Roberts is still trying to raise a billion dollars for some religious cause. Roberts offered to let Bin Laden work the phone lines on his pledge drive, but Bin Laden went nuts. The Muslim terrorist refused to partake in any Christian activities, even though we told him he'd get extra blackened catfish at mealtime. Nothing pleases that guy and we want him out."

"Do you have a plan B if he doesn't want to leave?"

"We were going to have Bin Laden clean the toilets here in Hell. But that job is already reserved for Angelo Mozilo the former CEO of Countrywide Home Loans, once he gets down here. We figured that Mozilo's fake tan didn't require him to spend as much time next to the fire and cleaning the restrooms would be a good job for him. He gave people shit in life and he'll be shoveling shit for the rest of eternity - seems fair."

"Any other jobs you could give to Bin Laden?"

"There's one job that would probably suit him the best. We need someone to test the hot pitchforks. A team holds him down and we ram a hot pitchfork up his ass to see if it's hot enough. Quality control is very big here in Hell."

"In the meantime, what do you plan to do?"

"We sent him on a wild goose chase and told him that the virgins hung out near the core of the furnace. He might come back with no hair, but it might also burn some sense into the asshole."

"Well, we wish you the best of luck with ejecting Osama Bin Laden from Hell."

"All I can do is keep trying to reach Allah. God stopped taking my calls thousands of years ago. You can say our relationship is a bit strained, regardless of what you read in the Enquirer."

So, Osama Bin Laden isn't even welcome in the worst place in the universe. And Satan wants Osama Bin Laden to get the hell out of Hell.

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