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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Oxymoron Of The Week: Pakistani Intelligence

Osama bin Laden's cab driver, Haccccccckk.
As more of the story surrounding the killing of Osama bin Laden unfolds, more questions are raised every day. Through the shuffle, I think we are seeing who is really on our side, which brings me to our Oxymoron of the Week: Pakistani Intelligence

For years, the illusive #1 Terrorist In The World, Osama bin Laden has kept his whereabouts secret. Everyone assumed he was eating bat droppings in a cave somewhere in eastern Afghanistan or western Pakistan. Billions of dollars have been spent on finding him. Then, through a stroke of luck, bin Laden was spotted using Google Earth and ratted out by his mailman. (As my friend, Chuck, a retired mailman says, "It's always the mailman.")

Apparently, the courier to bin Laden's compound got suspicious when he spotted on a Victoria's Secret catalog the name: O BIN LADEN or CURRENT RESIDENT. The courier said that bin Laden used the Victoria Secret catalog to pray to Allah and make requests on how he wanted his virgins dressed when his demise finally occurred. "He liked those Angel bras a lot," said the unidentified courier.

What confounds the U.S. Government is how the compound was built and occupied by Mr. Terror for five years and nobody noticed. The worst part was, it was built in Abbottabad, a stones throw from the Pakistani equivalent of West Point, which also happened to be a tourist hot spot.

Didn't anyone see bin Laden buying sun glasses or falafel to go? Do you think a helicopter might have buzzed by and caught a few shots of Mr. Terror?

And how do you build a compound worth an estimated $1 Million and not need building permits, a plumber, furniture delivery, A/C repairmen or even a few slutty Burka Babes?

First, I have to say that I've seen pictures of the $1 Million compound. It looked like a ramshackle rooming house in the old part of Vegas. Obviously, there is still a real estate bubble in Pakistan.

Looking for the truth, we managed to track down Osama bin Laden's cab driver, Asif Hussain Shah, but he goes by Haccccccckk - which sounds like someone clearing their throat. When we approached Haccccccckk, he was thrilled to speak with us.

In a bubbly, high-pitched voice he said, "Please spell my name correctly, I want my mother to be proud of me. It is H, A, followed by 7 C's and 2 K's. One A, 2 K's and seven C's - just like the planets."

"Uh... OK... Can we talk."

"Yes, I love to talk to American journalists. Can you get a shot of my cab, so that people will know to use the Google to find me. That is the way they found bin Laden, using the Google."


"Yes, a boy at our bombed out grade school used the Google to find the Google Earth, which is ever so slightly different than the earth we live on."

"Uh.... OK.... ????"

"Yes, we find Mr. bin Laden many years ago with the Google."

"And what's this story about his courier turning him in?"

"Even in Pakistan, we know that it's always the mailman. Can't trust them."

"So you were bin Laden's cabbie."

"Yes, even though his tips were smaller than a desert lizards turds. But I drove him to the gym for exercise, Bed, Bath & Beyond for clothing, and the gun store."

"And no one noticed him?"

"He wore many, many disguises."

"Such as?"

"He was sly. For two years, he carried a guitar and said he was from the American Rock, Roll band ZZ-Top."

"Interesting. What other disguises did he use?"

"After your President Obama was elected to the House of White, bin Laden loved to wear a rubber Obama mask."

"And no one thought that was strange?"

"In Pakistan, we hope to have many, many happy years as friends to the American people. We were glad to have Mr. Obama so close to our people and our hearts."

"But it was a freakin' mask."

"Yes, but many people here have saggy, rubbery faces, so he was hard to detect."

"Did bin Laden have you take him anywhere else?"

"Yes, we often went to the Abbottabad Strip Club."

"A strip club? What goes on there?"

"Large women in Burkas spend an hour seductively removing their veils. Men will throw thousands of Rupees on the stage, just to get a glimpse of a nostril."

"Stupid Americans had the Google."
"Now let's talk about your government intelligence and what they knew about bin Laden."

"They had no clue. At least that is what we are told to believe. Maybe they didn't have the Google."

"I'm quite sure they had the Google. But how does someone live for five years in a neighborhood, burning garbage in the back yard and not raise any suspicion?"

"Most of us roast goats in our yards, and if you add the right spices to garbage, you can't tell the difference. We thought he was a barbecue fanatic."

"Do you think the Pakistani government was working with the Afghan government and Al-Queda to hide bin Laden? I mean, he must have had some sort of support."

"Oh, most definitely. Musharraf and Karzai had their boots in cahoots. Yes, they most definitely kept bin Laden a secret."

"I thought that the Americans, Afghans and Pakistanis were working together to capture bin Laden."

"Oh, no, most definitely not, my friend. Karzai is playing chess. He gets cash from U.S.A. and he gets cash from Russia. He sells heroin on the black market. Karzai is quite a good businessman. He produces nothing but he gets many, many dollars for it."

"And you feel that Musharraf was in on this cover-up, too."

"Yes, most definitely, my friend. I believe he secretly has the Google and used it to spot bin Laden sunbathing more than three years ago. From there, he started sending him lunch meat and sausages. After that, guns and more Burka Babes."

"So you think that Pakistan and Afghanistan are just mocking the United States?"

"Of course, my friend. The USA does not understand our ways. We have a culture that goes back before Adam and Eve. We evolved from goats and other lowly grazing animals. We do not discuss, we fight. If you don't like my wife's Burka, I blow up your house. And corruption is a way of life here. You cannot trust anyone, especially the mailman."

"Well, Haccccccckk, thank you for spending time with us today. We have learned a great deal about the futility of getting involved with the Middle East and how our ideas of democracy and nation building will never work."

"Oh... stand clear... here comes another suicide bomber... He is mad at the movie theater for showing Jennifer Aniston's last movie. Stand back. We should be covered in popcorn in about 3 minutes."

After taking an in-depth look into our supposed allies in the Middle East we have determined that the Oxymoron of the Week is: Pakistani Intelligence. And never trust the mailman.

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