|Tweaked up Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad.|
During the Navy Seal's raid that ended the life of Osama bin Laden, computers, files, Post-it notes and other strategic information was recovered from the site. Included in the items recovered was a complete meth lab. CIA operatives knew about this for some time, but needed confirmation.
Reports show that bin Laden, after tweaking all day, would run around his compound and declare war on every race, color and creed in the known universe. He was also known to take his AK-47 and fire at insects, like ants.
Information about the surreptitious meth lab first surfaced when surveillance video of bin Laden pushing a shopping cart filled with meth supplies appeared on Al Jazeera broadcasts. A bootleg tape of bin Laden unloading the supplies at his compound, captured on a smart phone, has been airing on YouTube, too.
The most recent video shows Osama bin Laden clearly pushing a shopping cart loaded up with meth supplies out of a Pakistani Wal-Mart.
"WAIT A MINUTE! There aren't any freakin' Wal-Marts in Pakistan!"
"Oh, yes there are. They're different than the big ugly gray monstrosities that are constructed in the United States. They feature the Pakistani colors of joy and celebration - black, dark brown and steel gray.
Pakistani Wal-Marts are also much smaller than their American counterparts. The bedding, bath and clothing department are combined, since bedding and bath towels can also be used as clothing. The furniture department only carries pillows and blood-soaked beds. The shoe department only offers three types of sandals - small, medium and large. There are no bath products or dental hygiene products, so you can already see how the stores would be significantly smaller."
"That's a bunch of crap. There aren't any Wal-Marts in Pakistan. Period. Over. And out."
"I'm afraid you're wrong. The CIA has photos of the Wal-Mart."
"Well then, why don't they release them to the public?"
"People in America are already tortured by the hideous appearance of Wal-Marts in their own neighborhoods. The State Department felt it would be too gruesome to show the Pakistani Wal-Mart photos to the public. Who knows what people might do? It could cause them to shop somewhere else."
"Are your fucking drunk? This is utter nonsense."
"I'm serious. President Obama has seen the pictures and so has John Boehner. Boehner's reaction when he saw the photos forced him to go out and buy more facial tissue. He couldn't stop crying."
"OK, so just release the photos. We've seen a lot worse. We saw Saddam Hussein hang. We saw his dead sons, we've seen Marie Osmond's lip botox. Those were all pretty gruesome, but no one was hurt by them."
"Part of the issue is with the Pakistani government. They don't want their people knowing that there is a Wal-Mart in the area. Even though Wal-Mart's slogan, Save Money, Live Better works well in developed countries, the Pakistani people are so poor, they cannot afford to shop at Wal-Mart - and this could lead to widespread unrest."
"What kind of a dummy do you think I am?"
"I don't feel that you are a dummy."
"You know you're just fueling the conspiracy theorists by not releasing the photos. Next thing you know, people will be saying it was really a Target or Home Depot or a flea market. What's next, bin Laden was eating at a Jewish Deli in Abbottabad?"
"Now, I think you're being foolish."
"I'm just tired of our government jerking us around. Release the photos. Show the Wal-Mart. It's that simple. This is almost as stupid as the whole Obama birth certificate mess. The idiot could have solved this problem three years ago in less then 24-hours. But Obama likes to create mysteries and conspiracies and then bitch about them festering in the public minds and the backlash of criticism he gets for conspiracies that he created himself. Release the damn photos and this will be OVER!"
"Sorry, we can't do that. Orders have come straight from the White House. It's a done deal. No photos."
"You're a jackass."
In other news, a new concert tour featuring Elvis, Wayne Newton, James Brown and Osama bin Laden is in the plans for the near future.
Summarizing today's top story, new evidence shows that Osama bin Laden was running a meth lab in Abbottabad.
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