|Chief Burning White House. Go. Get out!|
We had a chance to speak with a member of the Native American Rights Fund who was only identified by his Native American name - Chief Burning White House.
"How do you wish to be addressed? Burning White House, Chief, Burning or House."
"Mr. House to you, pale face."
"Mr. House, this seems like a dramatic request, to redraw the borders all the way back to when the Mayflower arrived."
"Yes, those English pinheads came here, settled and then started taking our land away from us. It hasn't stopped in almost 400 years."
"Don't you mean Pilgrims?"
"No... I had it right. Pinheads. Those English were not right, coming here with their tea and their scones. Who eats scones? Scones make poop painful."
"What do you suggest we do with all the rest of the people in the country, just ask them to leave?"
"Yes, and how. They can start the March of Never-ending Tears toward the east or west coast. When they get to the beaches, they must swim away to their homelands."
"You want everyone to leave?"
"No, the Jews can stay. Mel Brooks played one of us in Blazing Saddles. Plus, once the Jews took over Hollywood, they stopped making all those horrible B-Movies with us getting killed by white men that could not shoot."
"So, you, the Native Americans and the Jews will be all that will be left in the United States?"
"Yes, the white black man in the White House had many balls to tell Israel to move their borders. We empathize with their plight and we want the same. Move the borders back to where they were before March 21, 1621. We should have sunk that boat the second we saw it coming to Plymouth Rock."
"But I thought you got along with the Pilgrims. Didn't you have the first Thanksgiving with them?"
"There are many myths about the first Thanksgiving. The food is not like what you prepare today. Have you eaten English food? It is horrible, scones being a perfect example. Plus, the English boil everything. Have you ever had a boiled turkey? It's awful, an insult to the bird and an insult to the spirit of the bird. A turkey should be shoved up the behind of every Englishman that has ever walked on our soil for bringing such horrible culinary traditions to our pristine land."
"But I thought you got along with the English settlers?"
"At first we thought we could cash in by putting them in rental properties. But we didn't understand or have any use for their currency, so that idea backfired on us. Then, they started building houses of wood. And they never stopped. They kept spreading out and taking more of our land. The Manhattan deal was the worst."
"What was so bad about that, at the time it was a fair deal, wasn't it?"
"Get serious. Our people sent my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great cousin, Chief Raging Drunk Ass down to the island to make the deal. He was so loaded, he was happy to get wampum and beads. Fool. He could have gotten that stuff at a carnival. That was the biggest real estate scam in history. Donald, man with funny hair, Trump could not top that."
"What if the government won't agree to this?"
"Then I will live up to my name, Burning White House."
"You're going to torch the White House?"
"Yes. It will burn to the ground and then we will push over the Washington Monument. After that, we build big statue of General Custer to remind the white man what will come next if he does not leave."
"Why are you so upset?"
"Look what the white man has done to us, our land and our animals. He has killed without mercy many animals into extinction. He took our lands and built large polluting cities. He cut up our grazing land with roads and mindless attractions along the way. Then, he thinks he does the Native peoples a favor by sticking us on a reservation in the middle of nowhere. We're not even close to any places we could get jobs. No wonder my people drink so much."
"But people just can't go to the seas and swim away."
"Build an Ark. Your God told your white man Noah to do so and he did. Do it again. I'm sure the technology of the thieving white man can build an Ark that will take everyone back to where they came from."
"What about the Mexicans that migrated north?"
"We still have lawns to mow and our casinos need attendants and valet parkers."
"Will you treat the Mexican people as equals?"
"Of course. Their traditional music is much better than ours. I think it will add some zip to our war dances that will begin right away if our demands are not met."
"So, you are willing to go to war over this?"
"Yes, we have a bomb."
"You have an atomic bomb?"
"No, but we can strap together 950 Islamic terrorists and send them all to the 82,650 virgins waiting for them. It will brown many shorts across the country."
"Did you do the math on that number in your head?"
"Yes. Our schools are not as bad as your public schools. We know how to count. That is why we have so many casinos."
"Well, I wish you luck with your quest to get the borders redrawn."
"Brave natives need no luck. We have the great spirit in the sky that will come to our rescue and not fake everyone out."
"What do you mean by faking everyone out?"
"We know how to make Rapture work. You will all be sucked away unless you leave now."
"Well, strong words for the U.S. from its native people. Anything else you like to say?"
"Yes, my cousin looks just like Chief Wahoo - Go Tribe!!!!!"
There you have it. Native Americans want U.S. borders redrawn to 1621 level, before the English pinheads showed up. And I hate scones, too.
Native American Rights Fund
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