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Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm Bad And I NEED Two TWITTER Accounts And Two FACEBOOK Accounts

I NEED two Twitter accounts. Cuz, I'm bad on the Internet.
I'm not your normal Internet or Social Network user. I have issues. I tend to get in trouble - a lot. Over the last three years, I've needed to rescue my own butt several times. That's because I'm bad and I NEED two Twitter accounts and two Facebook accounts.

First a little background. I'm bipolar. If you're not familiar with the condition, it does not mean I own two Polar Bears. It means that my mind goes real low - depression - and then real high - mania. This condition used to be called Manic-Depression. But bipolar sounds better, I guess.

There are times I open my browser and I'm in a low mood. Things plod along. I take all day to write a blog post. I tweet it. I post it to Facebook. I have dinner. And then I fall asleep. Those are the depressive moods.

Mania.... Oh boy... wheeee... Oh, I love mania. Mania makes me invincible. Mania gives me the ability to fly. I can walk to Phoenix from any adjacent state. And then I suck down double espressos all day and it really gets fun. A couple 2-liter bottles of Diet Coke, a candy bar and you can take your meth and shove it up your ass. I'm READY to fire up FIREFOX!!!!!!

This is not a good time for me to be on the Internet or anywhere near a computer. Part of the MANIC MODE is that I don't need sleep for 30 to 50 hours at a time. So, I'm staring at my laptop, thinking of things to do. And if I don't do something every 15 seconds, I get nervous. That's where the trouble starts.

Three years ago, I thought, "I'll try blogging." After a couple days of setting up a blog and pounding out a few posts, I thought, "Gee, this new content idea doesn't fit this blog. I'll start another." After a few more posts on each blog, I had a new direction and it didn't fit on either of my two blogs - so I started another. This process >>> NEW IDEA >>> NEW BLOG repeated itself until I had 16 blogs - all on different topics.

Then, I discovered TWITTER.... Ewwwww.... a NEW TOY. ;)

Since I had 16 blogs, I thought I needed the same number of Twitter accounts to promote the broadly diverse blogs. Yup... within about five days, I had 16 Twitter accounts - all with customized color schemes and themes, unique profiles and pictures and links to the corresponding blog. (MANIC MODE).

So, I'd do a blog post, log into it's Twitter account tweet a post; then log out of that blog and into another, write a post, log into another Twitter account, tweet - over and over - for about 12 hours straight. (MANIC MODE).

Next came my friend on Facebook. He got me started with Mafia Wars. (RESUME MANIC MODE) Life became a vicious cycle of hopping from one blog to a Twitter account, back to Mafia Wars, back to blogging until my Mafia Wars energy and health charged back up, back to MW, back to a different blog. It was sheer madness. But I wasn't even close to being done.

One day I got an idea - actually about 93 (MANIC MODE) and I decided to create an Internet scavenger hunt that involved blogs. Within two weeks I had 22 more blogs. I did stick to only 16 twitter accounts. But I started building websites to go with the blogs and the Twitter accounts.

I'd work for a day or two, sleep a couple hours, wake up in my La-Z-Boy chair with my flaming laptop burning my thighs and resume my "normal" routine. Didn't stop there.

I created a thing called the TWITTER BOMBER (MANIC MANIC MODE WITH ESPRESSO IV). I had about 100 pre-shortened URL's on a website called my Command Center. I'd shoot out three tweets from one Twitter account with the links in them, then go to the next account; three more tweets; next account, three tweets.....Rinse...Repeat - over and over and over.

Then, a friend told me about TWEETDECK. OH BOY.... this was like an electric powered bong for Internet maniacs. I could load all 16 Twitter accounts into TWEETDECK and with the push of ONE BUTTON - KA-FUCKING-BOOM, I shot a tweet to the 25,000 combined followers I had between all the Twitter accounts.

Back in the day, there was a courtesy rule with Twitter. If you followed someone, they followed you back. There were even programs that would check who was following you back. You could mass delete all the non-followers and start adding more. Today, getting 25,000 followers only happens if you've been at it forever or you're famous or you have double-D cups.

I had to have a special page on my Command Center to keep track of all the user names, passwords and email addresses. The funny part, in retrospect, is that I had absolutely NO CLUE about search engine optimization (SEO), writing search friendly content or even writing anything that anyone would care to read. But I shot that shit all over the Internet for days. As long as I was pushing buttons and seeing things fly all around, I was in euphoric, orgasmic, spastic mode.

Let's just say, the same behavior (MANIC MODE) transferred to Facebook. A huge mistake I made was linking one of my Twitter accounts to Facebook. I was hopped up on bipolar crazy and espresso and decided to see if I could write 100 jokes on Twitter in one day, keeping them within the 140 character limit. I had NO IDEA that all of these tweets were going to Facebook. I got about 20 messages the next day that all read the same, "ASSHOLE, CAN YOU SPELL SPAM?" Oooooops. I've never had FB and Twitter linked since.

Mafia Wars was my next batch of browser crack. If you've played the game, the idea is to get the most amount of Mafia members that you can. You can only use 501 in the game, but they are your BEST 501- so having a LOT of members, even into the thousands, makes your Mafia better. I only had 22 friends on Facebook when I started MW, but I clicked on "People You May Know" - only in a psychic way - all day long. I got more pink slips than a UAW member in the last four years. Facebook would regularly shut me down for several days and I'd go into withdrawal. So, I picked up my Tweet pipe and went wild there. Twitter shut me down, too.

With Mafia Wars, I figured out, "If you give people what they want, they'll give you what you want - in spades." Knowing that everyone was hungry for Mafia members, I started pimping people. That is the process of sharing a person's profile on your Facebook News Feed and saying, "Add Bill" - and then a group of people will add Bill to their Mafia. Well, well, well.... don't let an espresso crazed manic mobster play this game. I came up with "Pimp Frenzy" - and I ran it every night.

Pimp Frenzy worked like this. I'd share someone on the News Feed and write, "Bill is a burly man from Montana and HE NEEDS MORE MAFIA. So ADD BILL, COMMENT AND ADD EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS. In 30 minutes I could pimp someone and get them 150 Mafia members. As a result, I went from my 22 Facebook "Friends" to 3,500 in about four weeks. Then there was a mass suicide one day and 250 of them just disappeared. Daily, I received messages, "When you going to do Pimp Frenzy?" I'd do it about an hour or two a night and then quit. But I built hundreds of Mafia's to well over the 501 number.

On Facebook, I decided to start a group page with interesting info. My first was "Figuring Out Facebook". It had handy tips for nebies. Well, you know the pattern by now. In three weeks, I had 12 group pages. However, when Facebook canceled my account, all my groups had ME as the sole admin. I had groups and no keys to the doors.

After pleading before the high court of FB, I got reinstated. And I immediately opened a shadow FB account as a secondary admin. The problem there was that I forgot my login info. So, I cut a door into my groups, but sealed it up shortly after.

Then, I gave up on the Internet for a couple years. Before I went away, I deleted all the sites and all the Twitter accounts. I was done. I decided Day-Trading was safer. But I forgot that I was playing with real money. Trading stock options was like a freakin' computer game. (MANIC MODE) I made $80,000 in a couple months, bought a huge house (DUMBASS MODE) and from the day I moved in, I started losing money.

Fast forward through a couple nervous breakdowns, foreclosure, loss of all my money and winding up in a mental hospital - without Internet access.

I started one blog last year. The mental hospital trip put me in a severe slump (DEPRESSION MODE). Even a gallon of espresso couldn't get me out of my funk. So I gave up this blog for 5 months. Over the five months, I never even opened my laptop.

On March 7th, 2011, I started blogging again. (MANIC MODE) I posted two to five posts a day. But this time, I knew about SEO and writing content that people wanted to read. My page views went from 49 in February to 34,000 (so far this month). I've been a blogging and tweeting fool. But then I went nuts. (HA... as if any of this is normal). Twitter shut me down for abusing my hashtags (#). I sent some sick humor to #RoyalWedding and the Brits went bonkers. I wound up a blogger with no hash. Boooooo-hooooooo.

Fortunately, Blogger won't stop me from posting like a maniac. Although, I've had them put me under surveillance about six times. TIP: Never write a 9,000 word initial blog post on a new blog. The Google Gods red flags look like a parade in China. You get a warning that says you cannot blog again until they determine if your post was spam or not. Once they figured out that it was either an epileptic on crack, typing his fingers to the bone or a writing robot - attempting to make a point - they let you blog again. Ahhhh.

A month ago, I had my hash (#) confiscated. I wrote tech support and they reset my account after a couple days. Then.... well... by now, you know the story. (MANIC MODE) = (NO #) So, I just opened another Twitter account. And for the first time in three years, I went behind the green door and opened up TWEETDECK. Not quite sure if I want to start smokin' the deck anymore. But the blog is doing great. I've learned to pace myself on Facebook and no one complains. I get a ton of LOL, LMAO, ROFL, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL (A FRIEND IN MANIC MODE).

But I don't just write funny stuff. I write things about Alzheimer's Disease, which was picked up by the Alzheimer's Association. I wrote about my colonoscopy and about five medical sites are using my post as their #1 example of a patient experience with this prodding procedure. I write a lot about mental illness, too. Just wait until I roll out the drug stories from the time right before the statute of limitations runs out. In addition, I've used up all my drink tickets in this life, so there's a boatload of stories there. (BTW, I've been clean and sober for 5 years. It's the damn mental illness drugs that are freakin' me out.)

I'm way too tired to tell you how I got kicked off of YouTube, too. Another day... Another post.

What I've just described is how to END YOUR INTERNET CAREER... all you'll be left with is porn.

UPDATE: Saturday, May 28, 2011 - Speaking of ending your Internet career, I blew up an account faster than I've ever done it before. Above, I described how I need two Twitter accounts. My original account had its hashtags (#) blocked. So on May 23, 2011, I opened another account and used the name Perro Caliente (Spanish for Hot Dog.)

5-Day old Perro Caliente. Killed by TOS - an Internet IED.
Today, May 28th, I wrote a piece on Memorial Day and I was very passionate about it - too passionate - and MANIC. I crafted a tweet requesting that people retweet my link to the article. I was sending it to all the big stars that I follow. After blowing out about 50 of the same tweet, my account was suspended. I only had 70 followers. It's all zeros now - following, followers, lists, 0, 0, 0 - except for the 250 tweets I did the past week. I'm not even going to contest it. All I can do is laugh.

So, we mourn the loss of Perro Caliente. He was killed when he stepped on a TOS - an Internet IED. Oh, well.

In the meantime, I got my hashtags (#) back on RogerBlazic. Yeah.

And that is why I'm bad and I NEED two Twitter accounts and two Facebook accounts. (The nuns in Catholic School always said to have an extra pencil or two. I learned well.)

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1 comment:

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