|Barney is dead. We can all breath easier.|
The children's show star, Barney, was gunned down by CIA, FBI and local law enforcement in a Knoxville, Tennessee bar on Friday night.
This mission has roots that date back centuries. It was code named, The Purple People.
According to a leading historian The Purple People were first organized under the auspices of the Catholic Church. Centuries ago, during the season of Lent, statues and crucifixes were shrouded in purple to hide the gross opulence of the Catholic Church as it asked its followers to sacrifice during the 40 days prior to Easter.
Renegades within the church adopted the color purple for their group and they have operated out of the public eye for hundreds of years, until 1937. That year Walt Disney released Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The bad Queen wore a purple robe and many in the intelligence community felt that The Purple People were finally surfacing. However, after the film's release, The Purple People went underground again.
In the late 1960's and early 1970's, the White House contacted the Minnesota Vikings and asked if they could recruit the services of the famed "Purple People Eaters" - featuring Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen - all Pro Bowl defensive lineman.
President Nixon, in 1970, felt that this quartet of ferocious lineman could track down The Purple People. During several off-season missions, nothing was turned up and the hunt grew cold again.
A big break came in the manhunt when in 1992 an independent television show featuring a purple dinosaur, Barney, was first aired. Immediately the CIA was in shock and considered this a propaganda program targeting children from 1-8. Tapes of Barney songs were heavily analyzed by forensics experts to see if there were hidden messages. An underlying theme of joy and happiness was detected. Pharmaceutical companies lobbied to have the results suppressed because this would cut into their sales of ADD and ADHD medication.
A pharmaceutical spokesman, who would not be identified, commented, "We can't have kids being happy and cheerful. We want them running around and misbehaving, it moves our stock prices up."
|The original Wiggles. Jeff Fatt is in foreground.|
Wiggle mania swept Australia and then spilled over to the United States, where The Wiggles toured extensively - performing to screaming crowds of children and deaf parents with migraines.
A special detail of FBI agents was assigned to keep an eye on The Wiggles - specifically Fatt, because they believed he had strong ties to China.
A similar message of joy and happiness was being disseminated by the Australian foursome. However, Fatt's activities off camera and off stage raised concerns with the FBI. A covert mission to put a car bomb in his vehicle was aborted when The Big Red Car was found to have no sub-structure where the bomb could be attached.
Wiggle mania quickly fizzled and many of the original members were replaced in the group. Jeff Fatt fell off the radar and the FBI came up short, again.
Since 1992, the CIA and FBI have closely monitored Barney. Then, in 1997 in London, the Teletubbies, a BBC program, hit the airwaves. Obviously, The Purple People were trying to corrupt the hearts and minds of children worldwide, which would lead to a new generation that was fully inculcated to their sinister plot.
When the Teletubbies first appeared, they enraged the Christian right. Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubbie and feared to be an operative of The Purple People, carried a purse-like bag on the show. Religious leaders claimed that Tinky Winky was a gay character and was selling a gay lifestyle to our toddlers and young children.
|Teletubbies. Tinky Winky appears at right.|
In 2002, The National Enquirer reported that Barney had ties to the mafia and a large underground child pornography ring. Neither claim was ever substantiated.
Even with only flimsy circumstantial evidence, the CIA felt that Barney needed to be taken out.
After months of following Barney across Tennessee, last night he was spotted line dancing in a country bar in Knoxville. FBI, CIA and other law enforcement surrounded the bar and then made their move. When Barney went to the cigarette machine, law enforcement officers opened fire. He was reportedly struck 128 times before collapsing in a pile of foam rubber.
Taken captive in the raid was Professor Plum. He acted like he didn't have a clue, but CIA surveillance showed that he was well aware of the operations.
Tinky Winky is still on the lam. A search of London gay bars has yet to turn up anything. Rumors are spreading that he has gone through extensive bleaching and plastic surgery to change him from the easily recognizable purple to another color. An expert from Crayola and Michael Jackson's personal plastic surgeon were alleged to have been brought in to complete the conversion.
However, Tinky Winky has a very discernible inverted triangle on the top of his head, and he should be easy to spot.
Similar to bin Laden, Barney was going to be buried at sea. Keeping with dinosaur burial rites, his body was thrown in the La Brea Tar Pits and will remain there for three weeks, then retrieved and deposited in the Gulf of Mexico. After all the damage Bp has done in the Gulf, the oil seeping from Barney's body will be undetectable.
The government is not sure if killing Barney will bring an end to his plots. Tinky Winky could raise funds sufficient to launch another TV program. More needs to be known about The Purple People. But for now, CIA and FBI Killed Purple Dinosaur Barney On Obama's Orders.
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