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Thursday, April 21, 2011

What IS Heaven Like? Our Images Make No Sense

Heaven. Is it really like this?
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Heaven. A lifetime's worth of images fan through my brain like iTunes CD covers. Is there any truth to what The Bible says or what teachers, preachers, priests and parents have taught me? So I ask, "What IS Heaven like?" But our images make no sense

I told a friend that I'd been thinking quite a bit about Heaven. He suggested I get fitted for an asbestos suit and stock up on sunscreen, SPF 1,000.

Christianity has loaded my mind full of travel brochures depicting the hereafter. Perusing the glossy images of angels and rainbows, I began to raise a lot of questions. Maybe I should take you through my journey to the Pearly Gates as I see it.

First off, we have to deal with death. What happens right away?

I've heard of a long tunnel and a white light. So, upon dying, I'm imagining I should look for the light. But what if it's dark? "God... hello. God... hello. God... where are you?" (Maybe the Jews were right. He answers to a different name.) "Yaweh... are you there? Yaweh? Yaweh... I like Matzo Balls, please come out." This doesn't seem to be working. "Marco?...   Marco?.... " From somewhere behind me a deep loud voice replies, "POLO!"

"Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you scared the sh... ah... doody out of me."

"Roger, it is time to go through the transcripts of your life." Oh, man, this could take a while.

"What was that?" I forgot, God knows everything and He can read my mind.

After six hours of interrogation, God decided that I would not need the asbestos suit and granted me entrance into Heaven. He told me I just made it in. It was the extra credit project I did, passing out food to the homeless the day before I died, that put me over the line.

When we get to Heaven, our bodies are left behind on earth. All we have is our consciousness. So, we won't have luggage or any personal hygiene products. I guess it doesn't matter what you look like in Heaven.

I was told of huge mansions with glorious rooms where we would stay for eternity. With no bodies, why would we need rooms? Hell, I don't even have luggage. Will my room have TV or those little bottles of shampoo? Will Mexicans still do the housekeeping in Heaven? What if I don't like my view or I have noisy neighbors?

In Heaven, all is wonderful. You live in love. So no one can piss you off. You won't feel jealousy or anger. Lust will not enter your mind. Greed will not motivate you to do anything. You won't have any dissident thoughts. Honestly, Heaven is sounding more like mind control or a really good LSD trip.

In Heaven, are we reduced to God's Stepford Wives? "Yes, God. We love it here. The rooms are great. Even though the pool is not filled, we still love it. The Vegans are now eating meat because a healthy alternative was not offered. They love it too."

If you think, "That's ridiculous." Then try this thought on for size.

We are told that our deceased parents, friends and relatives are looking down on us from Heaven. Now, let's say you lose a child to a miscarriage or your best friend is killed in a car accident. You're obviously in serious grief. Can your deceased loved ones look down from Heaven, empathize and cry with you? Apparently not. In Heaven everyone is blissful and happy.

I'm a person that likes to accomplish things. Will I still have that desire in Heaven? According to the rules, only God and the Angels can come back down to earth and do good works. So, it looks like there are no chances for advancement or promotion in Heaven. I wonder if they have Affirmative Action?

I guess the best part of Heaven will be the feasts. From what I can figure out, calories don't count in Heaven. No more stressing out about my gut or worrying about hitting the gym.

Your soul may go to Heaven, but your SOUL - what makes you who you are - ceases to exist in the form that we know. You're happy all the time, no matter what. Maybe it's like a Vegas casino where they pump ether and extra oxygen into the air. You just don't care anymore. Afterlife is wonderful! :)

Hell, on the other hand, is full of pain and suffering. I'm sure there's plenty of bitching going on down there. I'd hate to work customer service in Hell. "It's too freakin' hot you dumb bastard. What you gonna do about it? I paid my damn light bill. And what's this crap you're serving down here? Just cuz we is in Hell don't mean we gotta eat like dogs."

In Hell there seems to be freedom of speech, something you can't do in Heaven because you're smiling all the time. I guess the only way you can speak in Heaven is if you learn ventriloquism. You grab Ghandi, stick your hand up his ass and start talking through your teeth, "Can I get more towels in my room?"

Maybe Hell is better suited for me. I can bitch and moan. I'm sure there will be plenty of bloggers, politicians and lawyers to keep the place hopping. Plus, all the porn stars are going to Hell.

Make a choice right now... an eternity with a Jenna Jameson or Tammy Faye Baker?

I've always made the wrong choices. I should probably fess up to the inevitable, "Can I get that asbestos suit in a double-breasted?"

Until I leave this earth, I'll be wondering, "What IS Heaven like?" I'll be dying to find out.

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Harold Camping Predicts End Of The World May 21st. Pack Light And Wear Clean White Underwear.
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What IS Heaven Like? Our Images Make No Sense
Tips On How To Survive The Summer Heat In Las Vegas
God, Where Are You? No Sightings Since Jesus Left
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