|Drag Queen Loosy Leopard.|
Unplanned pregnancy in the heterosexual community has dropped slightly, based on a study of women aged 15 to 44. The rate for unplanned pregnancy in 1981 was 54.2 unplanned pregnancies for every 1,000 women. That number dropped to 51 by the conclusion of the study in 2002. Teen unplanned pregnancy rates have dropped substantially during the 1981 to 2002 period, while it has increased for women 20 to 29 years.
Performing the study on the gay community was drag queen Loosy Leopard. We had a chance to speak with her regarding the study.
"How did you perform the study?"
"We held large parties and invited openly gay people to come. First, we had a party for the lesbians. We had lots of expensive wine and just the best damn caterer. By the end of the night the place was just one big sweaty orgy. Yet, no pregnancies came from all that wild juicy sex. We repeated these parties weekly for three years. Subjects for the study seemed to grow exponentially, once word got out."
"And what did you do for the men?"
"Pretty much the same things, but those naughty boys wanted champagne and a really big cake with a Scandinavian theme. Plus, those hussies wanted everyone to have matching designer suits. Oh... my ... God... they looked spectacular. All of those parties wound up just like the lesbian parties, in sweaty orgies. Oh, we had such a good time. We ran those parties on the weekend night that was open after planning the lesbian parties. Cuz you know, in the gay community, ladies cum first.... Hahahahahahaha."
"Didn't this seem like a large sum of money to spend on this study?"
"Honey, you have no idea what these bitches wanted. The dykes were pretty bad, too. But I wanted everyone to be happy."
"Isn't it biologically impossible for gay sex to produce children, planned or unplanned, anyway. And hasn't that been known for, like, a million years?"
"Oh, darlin', we wanted to be sure! We just needed to know. Being gay, you get so much crap. I can't believe this gay marriage thing has created suck a foofy response. I think the people opposing the queers are just not nice. Bad people. Bad people."
"But what did you hope to prove with the study?"
"We wanted to show that gay marriage would be a lower cost alternative to the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. If we don't produce unplanned pregnancies, we will have less people on the government teat. And the government has some nasty tits."
"I'm still not sure I understand."
"Sweetie pie, you are a bit dense aren't you? I wonder if you're as stiff below the belt? Hahahahaha... Anyway. This study gave us scientific proof that there will never be any shotgun weddings in the gay community. And my God, who would want to own a shotgun anyway. Plus, if gay people married and stayed monogamous, there should be a drop in the hiv."
"H. I. V. you silly pants. Sometimes you straight people are just impossible. Don't you read a newspaper or see the news. HIV has been around for a while, honey. And it kills."
"Sorry, I misunderstood you."
"You have one little twisted up mind don't you. Or are you just playing dumb to get into my pants?"
"No, I'm straight, but my wives keep leaving me."
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that. Maybe you're not packing the meat I was hoping."
"No, it had to do with my mental illness."
"Oh, baby cakes, that is just too funny. I mean L. M. A. O. on you."
"What's so funny?"
"Sugar, everyone used to think that being gay was a mental illness. In 1969 it was illegal to be homosexual, as they called it, in every state except Illinois. So in '69, you couldn't do 69 or you'd go to jail."
"I know, a lot has changed since then."
"But we still can't marry, and we'll keep fighting for our rights, even if we have to have slap fights with all those crazy religious people."
"Yeah, I don't quite understand the opposition. We're supposed to have a separation of church and state. And the only thing keeping gay marriage from happening are some Bible verses."
"I know cookie. And it sucks. Speaking of...."
"Well, lets get back to the high cost of the study."
"Baby cakes, Dom Perignon does not grow on trees. And all those Armani suits for the fags cost a fortune. Plus, we gave all the lipstick lesbians Louis Vutton bags as a lovely parting gift. We gave the bull dykes power saws."
"Ok, so now I think I get it. You feel that gay marriage would be less of a burden to society because it would have zero unplanned pregnancies and no gay person would wind up on welfare due to the pregnancy."
"Oh, Mr. Einstein you are today, smoochie boy."
"And you also feel that the divorce rate amongst gay couples would be much lower and if they remain monogamous, we'd see a drop in the spread of HIV in the gay community."
"My... God... you are acting like a gay man after his first date. I'm so proud that you got it. I could just rub your body with oil and lick it all off."
"Thanks, but I've got to get back and write my blog."
"Bye, bye, honey donuts."
"Same to you Loosy."
This study may prove beneficial for the gay community in arguing their case for gay marriage in the court of public opinion, however, it will have to be decided at the polls or in the courts for gay people to earn the same rights as their straight counterparts. For now, the study shows that the unplanned pregnancy rate in the gay community is zero.
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