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Thursday, April 28, 2011

In-Depth Look At The Bloody Royal Wedding

Kate and her bloody Royal husband to be.
Young girls all over the world and most of Britain are anxiously preparing for the real-life fairy tale of the Royal nuptials. Today, I'll take an in-depth look at the bloody Royal Wedding on Friday, April 30th.

I'll be writing with the help of my assistant writer, Bubba. He's responsible for the facts regarding this affair.

Thrilled by tales of the princess meeting her prince have young girls all over the world in hysterical excitement over the marriage of Kate and Harry. Ah... "Bubba, isn't this supposed to be William?"

"So you want a bill?"

"No I just want the correct answer."

"OK, William it is. I guess."

Britain loves the Royals. Not sure why. But they do. I guess if you have them, you love them - kinda like that old dresser your grandmother gave you. It has some dents in it and could use a good dusting, but it's been around a long time, and you just can't get rid of it.

Anyway, the wedding will happen at either 1, 2 or 3 o'clock Royal Oceanic Time (ROT). I think.

All I know is that this grand ceremony will happen when most of the people in America will be sleeping. If you work third shirt, suffer from insomnia, have sleep disorders caused by mental illness or are a teenage girl, you'll see it.

Frankly, I can't see setting an alarm for this.

The bloody Royal Wedding will take place at either a palace or an abbey, "Which is it, Bubba, a palace or an abbey?"

"It's Buckminster Alley."

"OK, thanks."

Thousands of international media representatives will descend into Buckminster Alley to view the pageantry.

The bloody glorious wedding gown, estimated to cost around 1,800 British Pounds - which is approximately $90 US Dollars - will be made by a designer with a crazy haircut. "Bubba, do we know her name?"

"Nope. Don't know. Don't care."

"Good enough."

So some bloody designer is making the bloody dress.

Sir Elton John will be decked out in plumage that will outshine the princess to be.

"Hey, Roger, don't forget about NASCAR."

Oh yeah. The bloody Royal procession will be sponsored and provided by NASCAR. To keep with English tradition, all of the cars will turn right for 22 consecutive hours around Trafalgar Square.

At the bloody reception, a buffet of traditional English over-boiled meats and vegetables will be served. Haggis by request, only.

"Hey, Roger! This just in..."

OK, Bubba has just handed me an important news release from London. One of the attractions at the bloody Royal Wedding will be 32 naked male midgets cramming into a 2009 Red and Black Mini Cooper with Z-rated tires and spinners on the wheels.

The midgets were all grateful that showers and shaving were required prior to the last several practice sessions. It seems in earlier practices that many of the midgets complained of razor burn on their naughty parts and some foul odors within the car. Clean shaves, showers and talcum powder have made recent practices go much smoother.

Now, back to the bloody wedding.

"Bubba, do we know anything else about this bloody wedding?"

"There was one a while ago, but they got divorced, and she died."

"Oh, awful news."

"Not sure if the Queen was married. Have you seen her? May have been a virgin birth with regard to her kids."

"Bubba, do we know anything else?"

"Yeah, Celebrity Fly Fishing comes on at the same time as the bloody wedding. I'm settin' my alarm for that."

And I'll be sleeping. God save the Queen. I hear she drinks and we don't want to find her in Buckminster Alley with a broken hat.

And that concludes our in-depth look at the bloody Royal Wedding on Friday, April 30th, around 1, 2 or 3 ROT.

PS - Someone brought it to my attention that the date is wrong on this post. Is ANYTHING right with this post? I hope you laughed.

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