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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Government Should Require Warning Labels On Mobile Homes

Mobile homes for the rich. We're movin' on up.
Earlier this year, the Consumer Protection Agency banned baby cribs with side rails because there were 30 deaths attributed to the cribs in the last 10 years. That’s what the CPA does, ban stuff or mandate warning labels. With the recent spate of tornados throughout the South, which has caused many deaths and injuries, the government should require warning labels on mobile homes.

If the Consumer Protection Agency was doing its job, warning labels on mobile homes should have been implemented a long time ago. On every mobile home, the following warning label should be right near the door:

In the event of a tornado, evacuate this mobile home immediately. DO NOT seek shelter under the mobile home. If you remain in this structure during a tornado, you will not be transported to OZ and meet the Wizard. You will be transported to the morgue and you will meet your Maker. 

Another warning label should be:

In the event of a flood, you can use this mobile home as a flotation device.

There are other warning labels that should be placed throughout the interior of the mobile home. Like in the living room:

If you cover your entire body in tattoos and 
fall on the factory installed paisley carpet, 
no one will be able to find you.

A warning label on the water bed in the bedroom:

Do not attempt to sleep or have sexual intercourse in this water bed wearing a spiked dog collar. It could cause a puncture to the water bed, which would result in drowning your drunken partner.

Another warning on the dresser where the owner keeps their wallet:

Living in a mobile home means that you will probably consider purchasing all of your furniture from Wal-Mart, garage sales or junkyards.

In the living room, where the 97” flat panel TV is:

Do not attempt to share television antennas with your neighbors or steal their cable connection. In the event of a lightning strike, your big ass TV will explode and kill your two-headed dog.

In the kitchen:

Cockroaches are not edible.

On the refrigerator:

If the food inside this refrigerator is more than 2 years past its expiration date, it can be used to induce vomiting or cleanse your colon - stock up on toilet paper.

On the oven door:

Roasting raccoons, squirrels, skunks, beavers or possums in this oven will void its warranty and leave a really horrible odor in your mobile home.

For the garbage disposal:

Do not try to retrieve your gold tooth from this garbage disposal while it is operating. It could result in damage to the tooth and the loss of another finger.

On the factory installed carpeting:

Blood stains are hard to remove.
Do all yer killin’ outside.

On the bathroom mirror:

Objects may appear more intelligent than they really are.

For the bathroom, on the toilet:


If this toilet has overflowed, 

On the shower:

This shower cannot be used as a substitute in the event the toilet is plugged. None of the knobs inside this shower have the ability to flush it, no matter how much you drink.

Another label for next to the front door on the inside:

Do not discharge firearms or set off fireworks inside this mobile home. Only do that inside your truck, where you can open all the windows.

And finally, right next to the front door on the outside:

This mobile home could contain dumbasses.

And now you know why the government should require warning labels on mobile homes.

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