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Friday, April 29, 2011

Fat People Plan March But Cancel Due To Lack Of Conditioning

Unidentified marchers.
A giant 200-yard march by twenty-six fat people was planned for this afternoon, but was abruptly canceled due to lack of conditioning. A sit-in is under consideration as an alternative.

Twenty-six fat people wanted their voices to be heard and planned on throwing their weight around over a rise in harassment by thinner people. A female leader of the group told us:

"We're sick of this. People make fun of us. We're being charged double fares on airlines. No movie seat will hold any of us. No one wants us to try and sit next to them on the bus. I'm tired of all the haters."

Another unidentified female member of the group said, "You should see the looks I get when I order six Big Macs at McDonald's. I don't need to be treated that way. I have feelings too."

We went back to the leader of the group and asked her why the march was so suddenly canceled.

"A group of us got together last night and looked down the street. Two hundred yards is a long way. Many of us got winded just thinking about it. But after a heated discussion, we decided that none of us was in good enough shape to complete the march within 24 hours, so we canned it."

"I heard you may be planning an alternate protest."

"That is correct. We decided we were much better suited to a giant sit-in. However, we've been having trouble finding a buffet that can accommodate us for an extended period of time. Plus, they wanted to charge us by the hour to sit and eat. We are still searching for a location that is fat friendly. This is worse than being black."

"You can't possibly compare the prejudice you receive to the civil rights movement."

"I would never want to say anything bad about a black person, and I would never sit on one, at least not intentionally, but we have it rough. I have a back problem and I can't go to the gym like everyone else. And my knees are bad."

"Well, why don't you just cut back on eating?"

"Then, I'd get hungry."

"That's a pretty common reaction to not eating."

"Oh, I can't imagine not eating when I'm hungry. And I'm hungry all the time."

"What if you planned activities away from your refrigerator? That should help."

"But if I get hungry, I get dizzy and then I'd have to go to a drive-thru window to make the headaches go away."

"I understand, but you could order less. That would be a start."

"You're just like the other haters. You don't understand the pain I go through. Six Big Macs is what it takes to make the headaches go away."

"Then, why don't you have your sit-in at McDonald's?"

"We can't. They won't let us inside after last week."

"Why is that?"

"None of us can fit in the booths, plus they accused us of stealing?"

"Stealing? Please explain."

"Well, one of my girlfriends got a chair stuck up her ass and didn't realize it. She walked out of the store and the security alarm went off."

"Oh my God. That must have been hilari... horrible."

"It was awful. It took three of those stupid teenage boys to pry the chair out. And they didn't even give us free fries for all the inconvenience."

"How rude of them."

"Yeah, they were haters too. So we go with $50 or $60 each to Taco Bell. They are much more politically correct than that stupid McDonald's."

"Yes, and Mexican food is so much more American these days."

"So, when will the sit-in happen?"

"As soon as we find a location that is open 24 hours and has food. I can't protest with a headache."

"But don't you think that some people have a right to pick on you because obesity is a choice."

"NO IT'S NOT!!!!!!"

"Well, look at the show Biggest Loser. They take obese people all the time, feed them right and get them to exercise and they all lose weight."

"That's because that bitch Jillian Michaels is a fucking Nazi. I know she worked in a concentration camp in World War 2."

"I don't think she is old enough to have worked in a concentration camp."

"Well, I know she is evil and I hate her. Plus I have a glandular disorder. A bitch like her wouldn't understand that."

"Speaking of concentration camps. Did you ever see any fat Jews hanging on the fence at Auschwitz? I mean, they were all bones and they had the same thing in common, lack of food. And no one seemed to suffer from a glandular disorder and remain fat in those conditions."

"That's because the Nazi's killed all the overweight people, first, before they ever got to the concentration camps."

"Why is that?"

"They said those with a slight weight problem filled up the boxcars too quickly and it took them longer to ship the other people to the camps. So they just shot them right there."

"I never quite saw that reported in any of the history books. But we can't waste our time any more here. Good luck with the sit-in. We'll be back if you ever find a location."

"You do that. Our cause for decency is not going away. It's getting worse. And the thought of all this makes me hungry.

So the giant fat people march was canceled due to lack of conditioning.

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