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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Every Store I Go To People Think I Work There, So I Play Tricks On Them

Throughout my life, people have stopped me and asked for information or directions. I have no idea why. Invariably, if I'm in a store, someone will ask, "Where's this or that department?" I get a lot of requests for directions to the restrooms, too. When I've worked in stores, I've had dozens of people ask me, "Are you the manager?" Or, "Are you the owner?" No, no and no. But you can pee over here. I'm fighting back... Every store I go to people think I work there, so I play tricks on them. 

If I wear a collared shirt to a store, everyone thinks I'm an employee. When they ask for directions, I usually tell them, "Go to the end of the aisle, turn left, and it will be four aisles down." This gives me enough distance between them to make a clean getaway.

When I get inquiries about the restroom, I tell them, "It's in the back of the store to the right." I have no idea where the restroom is. I hope their need wasn't urgent.

Five minutes ago, a lady at Dunkin' Donuts asked me, "When do the buses run?" I told her, "I don't know, but I can tell you that they're really big."

I've developed a few standard answers to the most asked questions:

"When does this happen?" - Soon.

"How much is that?" - Less than you think.

"How do you get to...?" - Stay on the road you're on.

"What's the national debt?" - More than you and I got, put together.

"Where can you park here? - In an empty space.

During the 1980's, I had a phone number that was previously owned by a drug dealer. Daily, I would get calls from these black voices asking, "Is Leroy dare?"

Day after day, "Is Leroy dare?"

"Is Leroy dare?"

Finally, one day I was drunk and the phone rang. Same query, "Is Leroy dare?"

I started to whimper and cried out in my best urban accent, "OH POOR LEROY. DEY SHOT 'IM LASS WEEK AND WE JUST BURIED HIS ASS YESTERDAY."

The calls stopped.

I used to get stopped all the time in Vegas, when I lived there, "Hey, where are the hot machines?" "By the doors." I don't know if that's true. It didn't really matter where they gambled. More than likely they were going to lose their money anyway.

Now, I get more practical questions. "How do you start up a blog?" (Which I plan on doing a series of articles on.) "Can you teach me how to cook?" (I may cover this topic and offer some recipes.) "Can you make my breasts larger?" "Not sure. Let me put my face between them and see how much you need to add." (OK, that was a lie. I just cup them to gauge a starting point.)

I don't mind passing out info or giving directions. However, you better be careful what state of mind I am in or what my mood is. I may send you off on a wild goose chase. I'm fighting back... Every store I go to people think I work there, so I play tricks on them. 


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2 comments:

  1. I thought I was the only one this happened too. I too started giving stock anwsers for the same questions... No wonder you and I got along so well....Enjoyed this post alot...I read it to the Family and they went into a 45 minute recap of some of the comebacks to those questions that I have had...

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  2. Yeah, Bob... You got that look, too. Very funny comment. I'm glad the whole family could enjoy it.

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