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Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Met A Jehovah's Witness | I'm Still Scared

While working on my blog at Dunkin' Donuts, a large group of very well dressed black people came in. They milled around and chatted. After about half an hour, I turned to a guy behind me and said, "Did you all come from church?" He replied, "No, we're Jehovah's Witnesses." A very pleasant conversation ensued. He pressed for contact information. All I gave him was my blog address. He gave me an email address. Will my life change because I met a Jehovah's Witness?

Don't worry, I've already removed the doors from my house and bricked them shut. I enter the house through a window now. I'm prepared.

Having formerly lived in a community with a large Mormon population, I'm used to well dressed missionaries knocking at my door. I usually invited them in and either tried to get them to join Amway or tried to get them to my Christian church. They always gave up in frustration and left. But I sure had a damn good time.

A surefire way to get them to run is to answer the door naked.

This might not work so well if you're a woman. I'd suggest getting an inflatable sex doll and telling them that the doll is your lesbian lover.

I've often wondered if door-to-door proselytizing works. I knew a Mormon who did his two year mission in Central America. In two years, they had two people that were interested.

My brother's Christian pastor moved his whole family to predominantly Muslim Kosovo. Same results, a couple people interested in two years. It seemed like a tremendous risk and burden to haul a wife and three kids to a war-torn country and come away with practically nothing.

When I was in advertising, I learned that commercials don't make people jump off the couch and do something.

Just because I see a Victoria's Secret commercial doesn't mean I'm running out and buying a new bra. OK... that might be a bad example. But you get the idea.

Missionary work is like a door-to-door commercial. Maybe we should have a remote that can switch the missionary to something else. Don't like the Jehovah's Witness, ZAP, Sportscenter. Once you get the score updates, you can close the door.

Jehovah's Witnesses commit to missionary work their whole lives. Mormons require a two year mission. I'd rather see them join the Army for two years. They'd be helping their country, they'd get education and medical benefits and they can really help change the world.

You can't stop any of these people. You just have to figure out how to deal with them.

I wonder if my life will change because I met a Jehovah's Witness

Until the next one shows up at my window (remember, my doors are bricked up), I'll be sitting in my living room in my Zulu Chief's outfit, waiting to scare them off.

Peace.

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3 comments:

  1. Absolutely intriguing writing. I shall wait with much anticipation for further samples of your keen sense of humor and intelligent wit,NOT.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Did you just read the comment above? IT didn't like me. Oh Well...

    I post ALL comments. Since I started this blog, I've written 272 posts as of today. Roughly, that's 272,000 words. This is the 2nd BAD comment I've had. So IT was a minority.

    But let this be a lesson to you. If you put yourself out there... as I do... every day I sit at my computer, you WILL GET CRITICS.

    If 75% of the people hate you, it's time to rework the game plan.

    We had a saying in the comedy business, "You ain't getting anywhere until people start to hate you."

    That's right. When people start to form strong opinions in one direction, they're just as strong in the other direction, usually - unless you have that 75% negative problem.

    I have posted critical comments on lots of sites, with my own face and name. IT didn't have a name.

    So, never let an Anonymous coward steal your thunder. Press on. The more you put out, the more the odds are something will come back burnt. Oh Well...

    You run the show, not the critics.

    Press on... the cowards will be ducking the other way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. When they come to my door I politely tell them I just spoke to God and he says not to let you in.

    The Cranky Old Man

    ReplyDelete

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